torn b/t heart and mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
torn b/t heart and mind
3
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:50am
after breaking up with my ex for a month, he called me up and told me how much he's missed me and wants me back in his life. he said he missed the way i smile, the way i smell, missed holding me. he's sorry that he never let it show how much he cared while we were broken up - he tried to hide it but he was miserable the entire time. he tried to see how it's like being single but he realizes that he wants me. he even said while we were together he knew it'd take him forever for him to find someone else who's half of what i am. he said he's made a mistake and if im going to go with someone else, it's his loss, but in the end he hopes i take him back... though it's my choice.

we've been together for 10 months. we've had our ups and downs, more ups and downs, but in the end the downs were getting too often... i had to let it go. i love this guy. we are each other's first loves. i've sort of already let him back into my life... i told him i was afraid of getting hurt again, so instead of getting back right away, we could try. instead we ended up kissing on both days that we hung out. im happy. my heart loves him. my mind, on the other hand, is telling me the problems could happen all over again so maybe i'm just trying to recapture a surreal past. also someone new is showing interest in me... im afraid i might be using him as a rebound if i took up on his offer for prom though.

although dispite the logical side of me, i know i'd regret it one day if i never gave my ex another chance when i truly love him. so i think im gonna give us one more shot... 3rd strike then he's out. its gonna be hard but he's pretty sincere this time. he's also someone who i might be going to prom with.

if you were in my situation, would you follow your heart or your mind/head? i need advices. i wanna stay in love with ex/bf again... whatever you call him... but i don't know who to go to prom with. him or the new guy? ex and i talked about it... i haven't given the new guy an answer yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:42am
Nope Nope Nope!...enough time hasnt passed. What he is experiencing is the feeling of loneliness, and fear of never finding anyone else. Sure he cares about you, like anyone would that has invested time and feelings into a relationship. But that true passion, lust and desire, that "in love" feeling, i dont think he has anymore for you.

If that were me...i would tell him to go away and if its meant to be, then we will come together at a later date...perhaps years from now. Enough time hasnt passed that both of you have grown and matured..lesson's learned. He's coming back for all the wrong reasons. He hasnt learned anything..except he doesnt like being alone....and distance allows us to see things differently. We forget how things were in the past, and its replaced with feelings of guilt, and loneliness...fear of never finding love again.

He wants you for all the wrong reasons girl! Sure he cares about you, sure he loves you...but if you really want him back..then send him packing for good! Allow the two of you to grow and mature...give him time to see if indeed the grass is greener on the other side...allow you time to date other men and see what's out there for YOU. They say you dont know what your missing until it arrives..how very true!

I'm sorry to say that in a few weeks time...this is just going to go back to the way things were and he again, will leave again. Dont allow yourself to give up so much control. Take back control of this situation. If he truly loves you, then no one will ever replace you. You will always be the one that "got away"...he will long for you for years, perhaps the rest of his life. But allow him to grow and mature and you too. But not enough time has passed, and nothing will change. You are just going up the same road again and i guarantee you, you will have the same results. Wise up!

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:58am
thanks. you've got excellent points. one side of me is telling me do what you told me. but my heart is telling me something different. what if this is the last time we could ever have a chance to put us back together? what if it's a now-or-never situation? the expression "follow your heart" was told to me by many friends of mine. i know what my heart wants. i just don't know if this is realistic or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:12pm
there is no such thing as now or never in relationships - if it is the right person the time is always now - you will come back to each other when you both are ready. Feelings of love are not facts that require action. There is also the need to do what is in your long term best interests - emotional maturity and knowing when to hang on and when to walk away is part of that.

If its not right it will end regardless of what you do. Hanging on to a relationship that doesn't bring you complete joy and happiness because you 'might never get another chance' is an immature approach that will keep you from finding real love. If its worth having at all, its worth waiting for.

Toni