what to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
what to do??
2
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:58am
Hi I'm new here and I was hoping someone could help me out.

I'm 25 years old and in a great relationship. But I am afraid I acted a little bit on impulse and didn´t stop to think, or to give it some time. Believe it or not, I haven´t had sex with my boyfriend (also 25 years old) for about a month. It´s true that he has been under a lot of pressure (he had to present a very important final exam for his masters degree), but a week had passed after he excelled on the test and still nothing was happening!! So I decided to talk to him about it last night.

He got incredibly upset and hurt. He said that I, having taken some psychology courses, should know what it does to a man (to his "manhood" aka. ego) to tell him that he´s not doing "his job". He really did feel hurt, but so did I. I felt abandonned. Not desired. After much talk (the no-sex-thing is not only this month, usually we go with out having sex for 2 weeks).

The thing is, I know I did make him feel like he had a problem, and that he wasn´t a good enough boyfriend. But he is. He amazing. In all the other aspects. I know that maybe I should of given it some time. But what can I do now? I don´t want him to feel the "pressure" of having sex. Because now, it feels like this issue that is juts hanging over our heads.

Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: neglected45
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 9:04am
It´s me again...I feel like I need to let you know a little bit of our background, and what exactly happened the day we talked...



To make a looong story short, I met my boyfriend when we where 12. At 13 we started dating, Of course it only lasted a couple if weeks. But he has always been my best-friend.Then I started going tout with other guys, as he went out with other girls (we where kids!) at 17 we got back together and lasted 4 years. The reason why we broke up was that for the past year no only where we in a long distance relationship (I visited and so did he) but I found out that when we were in high school he had cheated on me. Now I understandi and think: "of course! we where both kids and in a serios relationship!" So in return I cheated and we broke up. Four years passes and he always stayed in touch. He had tried to get back together with me several times and I had always acted mean to him, knowing exactly how to hurt him. In those four years apart my relationships with guys went nowhere. Unable to be with anyone more than a cuple of months. Yet, he hooked up with a girl and lasted 1 1/2 years.

If I tell you the story of HOW we got together I could end up writting a book. It was amazing. And I knew that he was, and always will be, the man of my dreams.

We always talk about everything and once he toold me, that as weird as it may sound, he always picked his g-friends thinking if I would approve of them.

The thing is that I idealized our relationship (when we were kids) and I know that so did he. Sure we where in our late teens/early 20's but it ment so much.

We have now been back together for 10 months and we are talking about marriage.

Ok, and this is what happened last night:

He came over that evening and he was telling me about this phone conversation that he had with his friend (a woman, who we both have know for a looong time) and all of the sudden he says: "what´s up with the face? It seems that you get mad everytime I talk about Carolyn" and ok, maybe I WAS thinking that if he could just shut up and kiss me everything would be ok.

And one thing led to another and we started arguing, adn I told him that maybe the tension was building up because I didnt understand WHY he was being physical with me. That I just want him to hug me right now, and how I always feel like I'm the one making the first move (wich I'm sure it´s not 100% sure, but I said it anyway). And then he told me how he hates it when I tell him what to do, that he feels that he´s not doing anything right (because when we where talking baout Carolyn I said: things aren´t going to well for us now, are they? and that´s how we began arguing....a mix of things) That he feels perfectly fine with us. And I said, "If that´s the case, then why haven´t we made love in a month!" and he said: "i didn´t realize it was that long, I'm not keeping track"

and I said "well neither am I, and I know that you've been with the examn on your mind, and right there is 3 weeks, and this past week that, that's 4. A month"

And I didnd´t really say much else. Really. Apart from my feeling negleted, hurt, and wondering if he was atraccted to me.

And he got upset and that's when he told me that because I know psychology, I should know that that is the worts place to get a man. (sex)

So I blurted out, "do you want to know what I know about psychology? I know that the more I oush, the more you pull away, I'm sorry I know that I should even say this, or that I sould know how to react but I'm hurt to. Just like your saying you're hurt about your manhood, I'm hurt 'cause, I, the woman, is talking to YOU about why we're not having sex!

I could also tell you that maybe it's because your afraid to get intimate with me again because you've idiolaized this rlationship, because you've idolazed me. But you know what? so have I. You are the man I've messured all my dates with. And I'm sory to let you down, but I am not perfect, but neither are you. But what I do know, is that we're perfect for eachother and I hope that that is enoigh".

After that he gave me a hug, a peck and we told eachither that we loved eachother. We held on for quite sometime and that´s it.

P.S. After we got back together (10 months ago) we where so nervous about KISSING eachother that we didn´t kiss, till 2 days afterwards.

SORRY FOR IT BEING THIS LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: neglected45
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:33pm
bump to top - hoping someone has some advice for her.


Carrie