His ex is interfering...should i stay?
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His ex is interfering...should i stay?
| Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:29pm |
Oy vey-
Hi all-have been with a guy for 4 months now-i'm 24-he's 23-so both fairly young. Everything has been wonderful for the most part up until the last week. About a week ago he professed his love to me, telling me he thinks i could be the one, and that he's been dying to tell me for so long, that it was love at first sight, etc. I feel the same. The thing is, he recently ended a long term relationship fairly soon before meeting me--the relationship had run it's course-they were each other's firsts, and it just wasn't working anymore. They agreed to be friends and were talking often-which helped them work out the end and get closure. She lives pretty far away so they hadn't seen each other since the breakup. ANYHOW-we took things day by day and i was careful not to rush into things-knowing where he was coming from and all. We were clearly falling for each other though and thigns couldn't be better. SO-last weekend-his ex came home (they are from the same hometown) to visit her family for easter-and they got together to talk. BY the way-i have been very cool, secure and understanding about this all along. He assured me he didn't want to be with her-that he was in love with me and has told her all of this. Well-here's the deal-she's confused. She broke up with him, but is confused. She is with a new guy that she's thinking about moving in with but is confused. WHAT THE??? You know why she's confused? Because she wants what she can't have and is jealous that her ex is in love with someone new and it's not her. Apparently she mistreated him throughout a lot of the relationship, treating him as if he couldnt' make a good decision for herself and without her he would fall apart (my ex did the same thing to me). She's manipulative, insecure and jealous according to him-and to my judgment from what i've heard. My problem is NOT that i think he's going to go back to her---he's been adamant about that-that they shared a lot of good times and he'll always care for her-but that they are not meant to be. I am secure that he recognizes how great WE are, and how great I am. He appreciates my security too a lot. What i am fretting about is her interfering with us. She called him yesterday because she's "concerned that he's rushing into things with me-that he's not psychologically right to be in a new relationship and be in love"...i just wanted to puke when he told me this. Yet she's thinking about moving in with her new boyfriend, it's okay for HER to be rushing? I told him maybe it's too early to be friends with eachother-that you need to have some space first before you can transition into a friendship-and he seemed to agree. I just am upset that she still gets under his skin like this--that he can't see that her intentions are ill and that she's not over him and is super jealous and is trying to keep her foot in the door. I wish she would just respect him and me. Okay at the end of the day though i knwo this is about him and his reaction-that i need to talk to him about it-i can moan all day about her but that's not what matters. I guess i just feel like he's been acting different ever since he saw her--still sweet and stuff-but like something is on his mind-he seems distracted. I have enough goign on in my own life (my parents are going thru a really messy divorce right now) that i can't deal with being his emotional crutch too. I need to look out for myself and protect myself but i can't help but wonder if i'm just overreacting and maybe i just need to ride this out--that i need to remind myself that he's with me and could be with her if he wanted to be-that he loves me-and that he wouldnt' be telling me all this stuff about his ex if he had anything to hide. It all just gives me a headache though. I'm ready to give myself to him, be fully in the present with him---but I dont' know if he's capable of giving me the same....should i talk to him about this or just maybe not call him for a few days and let him come to me?
Hi all-have been with a guy for 4 months now-i'm 24-he's 23-so both fairly young. Everything has been wonderful for the most part up until the last week. About a week ago he professed his love to me, telling me he thinks i could be the one, and that he's been dying to tell me for so long, that it was love at first sight, etc. I feel the same. The thing is, he recently ended a long term relationship fairly soon before meeting me--the relationship had run it's course-they were each other's firsts, and it just wasn't working anymore. They agreed to be friends and were talking often-which helped them work out the end and get closure. She lives pretty far away so they hadn't seen each other since the breakup. ANYHOW-we took things day by day and i was careful not to rush into things-knowing where he was coming from and all. We were clearly falling for each other though and thigns couldn't be better. SO-last weekend-his ex came home (they are from the same hometown) to visit her family for easter-and they got together to talk. BY the way-i have been very cool, secure and understanding about this all along. He assured me he didn't want to be with her-that he was in love with me and has told her all of this. Well-here's the deal-she's confused. She broke up with him, but is confused. She is with a new guy that she's thinking about moving in with but is confused. WHAT THE??? You know why she's confused? Because she wants what she can't have and is jealous that her ex is in love with someone new and it's not her. Apparently she mistreated him throughout a lot of the relationship, treating him as if he couldnt' make a good decision for herself and without her he would fall apart (my ex did the same thing to me). She's manipulative, insecure and jealous according to him-and to my judgment from what i've heard. My problem is NOT that i think he's going to go back to her---he's been adamant about that-that they shared a lot of good times and he'll always care for her-but that they are not meant to be. I am secure that he recognizes how great WE are, and how great I am. He appreciates my security too a lot. What i am fretting about is her interfering with us. She called him yesterday because she's "concerned that he's rushing into things with me-that he's not psychologically right to be in a new relationship and be in love"...i just wanted to puke when he told me this. Yet she's thinking about moving in with her new boyfriend, it's okay for HER to be rushing? I told him maybe it's too early to be friends with eachother-that you need to have some space first before you can transition into a friendship-and he seemed to agree. I just am upset that she still gets under his skin like this--that he can't see that her intentions are ill and that she's not over him and is super jealous and is trying to keep her foot in the door. I wish she would just respect him and me. Okay at the end of the day though i knwo this is about him and his reaction-that i need to talk to him about it-i can moan all day about her but that's not what matters. I guess i just feel like he's been acting different ever since he saw her--still sweet and stuff-but like something is on his mind-he seems distracted. I have enough goign on in my own life (my parents are going thru a really messy divorce right now) that i can't deal with being his emotional crutch too. I need to look out for myself and protect myself but i can't help but wonder if i'm just overreacting and maybe i just need to ride this out--that i need to remind myself that he's with me and could be with her if he wanted to be-that he loves me-and that he wouldnt' be telling me all this stuff about his ex if he had anything to hide. It all just gives me a headache though. I'm ready to give myself to him, be fully in the present with him---but I dont' know if he's capable of giving me the same....should i talk to him about this or just maybe not call him for a few days and let him come to me?
THanks for letting me vent!

I actually had to call him to ask him something about his tax form (i said i'd mail his and i's out today-last minute haha!)-and he sensed something was wrong (because he is very sensitive and intuitive) and i told him i was feeling confused and still upset about his conversation with his ex the prior day. He said "oh that was just two old friends bickering-she left two voicemails last night to apologize-she acts that way with all her friends-is very outspoken and meddles". He also said that maybe he shouldn't tell me so much about their friendship-that maybe it's hurting me and i just said, well i think she's interfering with us-coming in between us-and he said, if she was interfering, then that would mean that she was influencing the way i feel about you and she's not-i know what i want and i'm doing what i want now-if she keeps doing this though-having an opinion about me and you-then i will stop talkign to her. I told him i had some fears about communicating issues-that in my last relationship i kept silent a lot cuz my ex used to berate me and abuse me (mentally and emotioanlly) if i so much as dared have any sort of complaints/issues. That my past conditioned me to be afraid to communicate stuff. BF said you can never communicate too much...and that he is glad i was honest with him and communicated that i was upset. He kept saying i have nothing to worry about-and that it doesn't matter what she does or says-it's not going to influence him-so don't worry. So i have to trust him and not worry--and if i still feel that their friendship seems inappropriate or interfering-then i will cross that bridge when i come to it.
Thanks again for your non-judgemental helpful post--a lot of times i post on these boards only to be bit back!!