Very upset and no one to talk to
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| Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:51pm |
I'm a light sleeper so am unable to cuddle to sleep. It just keeps me awake. He's a heavy sleeper and falls asleep at the drop of a hat at night. It takes me quite a while to wind down and sleep. He'll fall asleep early and wake up just as I'm finally getting into a deep sleep and then wakes me up because he wants to cuddle, which really means he'll cuddle for a minute or two and then fondle to try to get me turned on. If I give in it means I get 4 hours of sleep on average. If I don't he resents me.
Our most current fight was Monday. Everything has been going along fine and then the roller coaster hit on Monday night (well, really Tues at 1:00am). He got mad because when he woke me up I just wanted to sleep. Now he won't talk about it as he says we've been talking about it for years and it doesn't do anything. He won't touch me or kiss me goodbye in the mornings like he always has. He is just civil in conversations, not friendly.
Do I just give up on this? My friends don't want to hear about it as they're tired of the roller coaster and say I should just give up on the marriage. Everything else is great with us. Just sex and the results from lack of it seems to be a problem.
I don't know where to turn. Please help!

i don't think this is about sex - its about both of your communications problems and inability to "compromise". if THIS is the only issue you have - then there are many possible ways to compromise -but you both need to understand what compromise is. it means that BOTH of you are willing to give in a little - so that BOTH of you will get PART of what you want. for example - i am not suggesting that you give up on your sleep EVERY NIGHT, but perhaps once a week. and possibly - in return for cuddling with your husband one or two nights - you 'get' one or two nights sleeping in a different room where you will have quiet and be able to sleep thru the night (this is just a suggestion, mind you).
what you might want to consider is to make an appointment with a marital counslor who can help BOTH OF YOU work thru these issues.
He's always been selfish but in most other aspects of the relationship we've been able to compromise. This one he seems to hold a grudge and never forgive and forget, start anew, kind of thing. He's constantly reminding me of how before we were married we had sex every night. I didn't live with him then and the only thing I had to do then after work was see him. Didn't own my own house, have other responsibilities, etc.
We've been together 15 years, but only married for 7.
He won't see a couselor. Thinks it's a waste of money and time.
Edited 4/15/2004 2:40 pm ET ET by boobeetrap
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Also, I think you need to address your sleep issues - your inability to relax and fall asleep - hot tea, valerian root, massage, bath, meditation... or see a doctor to see if something is off.
Carrie
The counselor thing comes from his childhood. They sent him to anger management as a kid and it actually made him worse. He came from a very disfunctional family. One of his uncles tried to get him help by sending him to couseling and he ended up just lying to the counselor. His father kept telling him it was a waste of his money. That's where he gets it.
I have a very stable family. My parents are still married (37 years) and I am very close to them. My husband has matured greatly in the time we've been together. The few relatives that are normal on his side have often commented on how much he's grown up. Even he has told me that if he hadn't met me he'd be a mess like the rest of his family. He still has issues obviously. I'm just not sure how to get through this one.
My strategy in the past has been to just go about as normal (while freaking out inside) and wait for him to come around. This time he seems more serious about possibly seeking a divorce though. If that's the case I'm not sure if I should initiate it or let him?
I actually sleep fine if not disturbed during the night. Usually asleep by 10:30 and sleep straight through to the alarm at 6:30am if left alone. Problem is he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, or within five minutes of it. I need more time to turn off my brain than that. Once awake, my brain starts and then I have to relax for a while to turn it off again. He thinks I should just be able to fall asleep at the same time he does so I can wake up early and have sex. My sleep pattern just doesn't work that way, never has. I've tried to change it before with no luck.
Sex during the day on a weekend doesn't work very well. He's up by 5 am, even on the weekends and I'm not up until 8 am. By the time I'm up he's halfway into a project - he can't sit still and just relax, feels lazy if he does. We're always busy running here and there or have people dropping by all the time.
I'm at a total loss as to any kind of a solution other than hoping he'll just realize he's being selfish and go back to where we were, yet again.
My best to you.
Carrie
even if he wont go to therapy - why don't you go on your own. it will help you to focus and sift thru the issues in your life. your husband sounds like my stbx - also wouldn't go to therapy (till it was too late) because "all therapists are quacks and marital therapists are the worst because everyone who goes to marital therapy gets divorced". i said that was like not going to a hospital because some people die there...
good luck...