need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
need advice
4
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:41pm
I have a very unique problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. I sleep over at his house almost every night and we are planning on moving in together soon. We both love each other very much. However, we have not even kissed yet! We cuddle and flirt but nothing more. This is why: When he was very young he dated a girl who had gotten pregnant through rape. He became the father to this child and they planned on getting married. The girl eventually went back to the man who raped her... then tried to go back to my boyfriend. My boyfriend told her no, but later found out that that man had murdered his child. His ex-girlfriend went on to commit suicide. Only a month or so later his best friend comitted suicide because his little brother was being raped by his step father. Very few people know that this happened to him. This is a summary of the events... the longer story is much worse. He has feelings of guilt about what happened and also is confused because he is happy with me... but would not be happy with me if what happened had not have happened. He also worries about losing the memory of his son. I am very confused about everything. I understand that these events will always be with him and shape who he is. However, this was six years ago and he hasn't kissed anyone since. We are set to move in together but i am concerned about this road block. I feel that being able to be intimate is an important thing. As far as I know he has no desire to be intimate which also worries me. It seems like a small thing that we haven't kissed yet, and a I don't want to be petty and selfish. But am worried that this will lead to larger issues in our relationship. How can I help him? Should I encourage him to go to a counselor? How do i do this? I don't want to pressure him into doing anything that he isn't ready for so I don't want to mention it. Should I? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: iherring
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:51pm
This man has a lot of baggage, guilt, confusion and he's not doing anything to resolve it. Think about it, what if he never gets past this, can you live like this?

Yes, encourage him to go to counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: iherring
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:35pm
Very unique. Wow. He does not seem ready at all to be in a committed relationship, much less move in with you. He, as you mentioned, feels guilty about being happy and likely fears intimacy. But ask yourself, why are you in this relationship? why is it safe or comfortable for you? Are you scared of intimacy? Of course, I do not know all of your relationship dynamics, but I wonder if the two of you would be better friends. You can support him, but you can't save him. He needs counseling or something similiar to deal with these horrible tragedies he's endured. If it hasn't gone away in 6 years, you can't make it go away for him. He has to choose to deal with it and you may or may not be able to support him. Perhaps if he does work through it, you two could be successful moving in together, but that might take sometime. Be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: iherring
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:23am
Why in the world would you move in with a man who hasn't even kissed you yet? Honestly, it sounds like you really just want the security of being in a relationship because most people would have ran a long time ago. If this guy hasn't tried to help himself in 6 years, that should show you that he doesn't want to deal with it. You can't save anyone from themselves, and if I were you, I would run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: iherring
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:49am

hi and hugs. much as yo uwould like to - you can't help him. and ask yourself - no matter WHAT the reasons are for his sexual dysfunction - is this something that you are willing to live with, long term? (i am currently getting out of a seven year marriage with no sex/kissing/intimacy and i can tell you that it is NOT fun)...


also - it sounds like there is more here than either you or he are telling. if he has fear of intimacy, i would wager that HE was sexually abused or raped. yes of course he needs professional help and if he doesn't want to get it - then i would suggest you RUN don't walk away.