Please give a guy some advice
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:05am |
My girlfriend and I have been dating for approximately 6 months and things are wonderful, we have become quite serious in our relationship. She has a male "friend" whom she has known for 4 years or so who happens to be a special forces soldier in the US army. I have known about this friend for as long as her and I have been together and I recently found out after questioning her that she had slept with this friend. The problem for me is that she slept with this "friend" at the time that her and I began dating (again something I did not know until about a month or two into the relationship). Well this friend is going to be back in town soon and wants to see her again (he knows nothing of me). She wants me to go with her to meet this guy. I know that this says that she has nothing to hide and that she is trying to make me comfortable but I am not comfortable with this at all. She defends herself by saying that she slept with him before her and I were serious and had she known probably wouldn't have done it. I have a hard time with this concept because I personally have never slept with any of my female friends because to me they are "just friends", and I did not sleep with anyone other than her when we started dating. I do not want to meet this person for a few reasons and I admit that I am somewhat insecure in the fact that this guy is some special forces macho man and I am not. I also do not want her to go out with him alone because I would forever wonder what had transpired without my presence. I can honestly say that in most situations I trust her but this feels different. If I had my wish it would be that she catch him up on her life over the phone, politely decline going out with him but thank him for calling and let him know that she is glad to hear that he is alright. She has told me that she believes that if he meets me and sees that she is serious about me that he may "leave her alone". All that this says to me is that this guy isn't the great friend that she makes him out to be and if she believes that he will be disinterested in her after discovering he can no longer get in her pants. She thinks that I am being unreasonable and that it is wrong to forego seeing this friend because of what happened in the past. Am I? Would you be uncomfortable in the situation and if put in the place of having to do this I am not sure how "buddy, buddy" I can be with this guy (which is what she wants). What do I do?

You are right here. This situation has various layers which must be understood. Number 1 - if she slept with him, he is not simply a friend, but an ex-boyfriend. There is no reason why she should be continuing this on-going contact with him while she is in a relationship with you. Some men are okay with this kind of situation, but not many. Now that she is with you, it is necessary for her to respect your feelings in this matter and be considerate of them. There's no reason at all for the two of you to see him, or for her to see him either. It's up to her to let him know that she's with someone else and it's over. She expresses to you a wish that "he'll leave her alone" if he sees you. This is odd. Either she hasn't told him about the new relationship, or he wont' accept it and may be harrassing her in some way. This is all the more reason for her to completely cut off contact with him. She shoud simply let him know that she is in a new romantic relationship and that her relationship with him is over - (as it was a sexual relationship and not merely friends). If she is really firm about it (and realizes within herself that this is right), then he will most likely respect that. Otherwise, she is playing some kind of game here.
You need to be firm and clear yourself about boundaries, and what you can and cannot accept. Once again, if you are clear and firm, that will communicate itself to her. The nature of
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And you're still dating this girl..what about the above did you miss?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Red Flags:
1)(he knows nothing of me).
2) if he meets me and sees that she is serious about me that he may "leave her alone".
If he's such a *good friend* then he should already know about you. She should have been writing about the 'great guy' she met and is dating NOW. She's HIDING you from him. NOT GOOD.
Positives:
1)She wants me to go with her to meet this guy.
Go, overcome your insecurity BUT insist she tell the guy about you, before you meet in person.
::She thinks that I am being unreasonable and that it is wrong to forego seeing this friend because of what happened in the past. Am I?
NO. The only way it would be unreasonable is if she slept with the guy 'years ago', maintained a friendship, and he knew about you already.
::Would you be uncomfortable in the situation and if put in the place of having to do this I am not sure how "buddy, buddy" I can be with this guy (which is what she wants).
No, especially since he's hiding you from him. Here's part of my relationship story so you can see the difference:
My boyfriend has known one of his female friends for about 10 yrs. They slept together way back when, but remainded friends. He told me about her immediately when we got serious. He didn't hide anything from either of us. She got married about the time I met him. We hang out with her and her husband. There are no 'left over' feelings of inappropriate intimacy. She loves her husband. They have a 1 yr old together. I actually like her and her husband. But again, there was no secrets and nothing inappropriate in either of their behavior when I first met her.
::What do I do?
Decide what you are willing to live with and what you aren't willing to live with, then follow through.
Carrie
::am I asking for the wrong thing to cease a relationship with this so called friend or am I justified in this request?
I don't think you are wrong to request this. If she's willing to continue a friendship with someone she just had sex with over her relationship with you, if for no other reason than you are uncomfortable, then she's not taking your feelings into consideration.
Ask her if the roles were reversed would she be ok with this scenario? I think not.
Carrie
Get the book - 10 things couples do to mess up their relationship and let Dr Laura (author) tell her or make a counseling appt and let the therapist tell her.
Carrie
The fact that she seems to make it your responsiblity for over reacting is troubling.
She doesn't 'owe' this guy anything upon his return if they are 'just' friends. His simply sying he wants to see her requires no real action on her part. She can call him when he returns and tell him she is glad he's home safely, blah blah blah and she is now seeing someone exclusively, great guy, etc etc etc. If he still wants to get togehter at that point, then he can do so with you.
She doesn't want to do this - in fact, she'd rahter you be uncomfortable than be honest with either of you. That is a HUGE red flag.
She'savoiding a conflict - not telling someone else that she is unavailable and why, but at the same time, sacrificing your trust and respect for your relationship. She is also not willing to take responsibility for ending a relationship that has no place with her current relationship with you.
Basically, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing from anyone. She is hiding something.
Toni
She's not respecting your feelings. She's saying your feelings aren't important and wrong even. I think it's because her feelings are wrong and she doesn't want you to catch on. I hope I'm wrong, but at least respect yourself enough to be open to whatever evidence presents itself. Best wishes.