Am I to blame???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Am I to blame???
4
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:29pm
Hi Everyone,

I would really appreciate any feedback on this as I am utterly confused.

I've been at my current job for almost a year now. When I first started here I ran into a guy who I attended church with as a child. I hadn't seen him since we were about 13 or 14 years old. Iam now 27 and he's 29. I'm single but I have a bf of 2 yrs off and on. My old friend from churchwe'll call him "J" is married but Separated and has 3 children. As soon as we saw eachother we pretty much resumed the friendship that we had as children with him taking on sort of a big brother type of role. We work for a very large company and I work in the corporate offices and he works in our distrobution center."J" knows about my problems with my bf i.e the fact that he's cheated on me and doesn't treat me very well. Also he seemingly has no intentions to marry me. "J" is always telling me that I need to free myself of this situation and meet someone else or maybe be alone for awhile. In the distrobution center where "J" works there are a few guys that have expressed interest in me to him. One of these guys is "C" who happens to be married. "J" told me that "C" is married but that I should consider being "friends" with him because everyone could use friends of the opposite sex. I expressed to "J" that I'm not interested in any way with having dealings with a married man. I even had a conversation with "C" about this as well. He said that he's been married a year and that he loves his wife but that he likes to have his "friends". I told him that I didn't want to be apart of that because I would never want to find myself in that situation and he said that he understood. He also said that just like "J" he is also available for friendly conversation. I told him that would be nice. Some days when I go to the cafeteria for lunch I see "C" and "J" sitting at a table and I join them for lunch along with some other people. Everyone conversates really nicely and some points everyone talks about their relationship etc. "C" gives really good advice and he sheds a lot of light on the things my bf says and does. This makes me want to talk to him more. He gave me his phone number(cell phone)weeks and weeks ago but I never called until the other day. I called and left a message since he didn't answe. I said Hi, this is Teemie from work I was just calling to chat for a few. I was hoping you could help me figuring out something about what we spoke about yesterday(this being my situation with my bf).Then I said just give me a call whenever you can. Well, I didn't hear from him at all then late in the evening he called me back only it was his wife calling from his phone.She asked me who I was and how I knew her husband "C" I was very polite to her and told her that I worked with him etc. I didn't tell her that he was interested in me and that I turned him down. I told her that he was giving me advice on my relationship. She seemed to be ok and I told her that if she was at all uncomfortable with it that I wouldn't call him anymore at all. She said that she was ok and that she just needed to make sure because she had problems withh him being unfaithful in the past and that she just didn't want to go through that again. I assured her that I was the least of her worries. She seemed comfortable and she apologized for coming off rude in the beginning. The next day at work I saw "C" in the cafeteria and was kinda uncomfortable about saying anything to him. I also was curious to see if he would speak to me at all. He didn't speak though. So I said hello to "J" and sat at another table with other people. Well, later in the afternoon "C" called my extension from his area. He sounded really sad and he said that because I called him yesterday and left the message his wife checked his message and was very upset.He said that she told him that she called me but that she didn't believe me when I said that there was nothing between us. He also said that she now wants to begin a separation. First of all I KNOW this woman believed me because she hardly seemed like she would bite her tongue about anything at all. He said that because of me leaving a message his marriage is probably over and he "Loves" his wife so much etc. etc. etc. I told him that I was sorry if that were the case which I doubt but that I did my best to tell her nothing was between us and she seemed fine. I told him that had he not cheated etc. in the past she would not have reacted the way she did. Well, we hung up and he called me about 3 more times that day talking about how he doesn't know what to do because she's all he has and that he's so upset and he wants me to come out and have a drink with him and try and discuss what if anything we can do about this. He said that I OWE him atleast that for messing up his marriage. I can't believe it. I think I know what he's trying to do but I need to be sure. One thing I DO know is that if he doesn't stop calling my work line with this BS I'm going to have to go to HR or something. I don't like this feeling and I can't believe he's trying to blame me for the demise of his marriage. What should I do now? How do I handle this? I feel bad in a lot of ways because I feel like I shouldn't have even been trying to get advice from him or be friends with him since he is married. I just couldn't resist since he has done some things my bf has done to me and I really wanted to kinda pick his brain. I also feel bad for using the fact that he was interested in me for my own purposes and as a way to help "fix" or shed light on my own relationship. I really need some feedback. I realize my error but am I the cause of his marital problems? Especially when I'am not the least bit romantically interested in him AT ALL??Please help me try and figure this out!!

Thanks in advance,

Teemie

Thanks,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: teemie27
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:48pm
So he's trying to 'guilt you' into meeting him AND blaming you for his situation? Hon, this isn't good. Talk to J - get his input....I bet J doesn't know this guy cheated before. This is how crap happens - you innocently sought advice after not wanting anything to do with a 'married man', he got you to confide in him (share your intimate thoughts, share emotionally about your situation), you get comfortable, he gives you his cell phone, you think you'll never use it, but hey, he gives such great advice, so when things are bad, you decide one weekend to use it. This man has 'been here, done that' before and knows exactly how to get women interested - use their emotional, intimate, sharing to make them feel close to them, then they fall into his bed.

I think he's trying to start a relationship with you and that's why he wants to meet with you because he's been down this road before.

For you, I hope you learned not to share your relationship problems with someone outside your relationship - unless it's a professional. The sharing you did could be considered emotional infidelity.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
In reply to: teemie27
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:46pm
Thanks Flame,

I've sooooo learned not to share details about my relationship with those other than my therapist.It's just that it all seemed ok. I thought he understood my position and wouldn't try and take advantage of it but I guess I was wrong. My bf is always talking about how I should beware of guys "pretending" to be my "friends" because in the end all they want is to get into my pants. I always hated him saying that. I don't have a lot of male friends. I actually only have a couple and we don't hang out we just talk on the phone whenever time permits. I'm proud of those relationships because I know that the only intended purpose is friendship atleast on my part but my bf is always trying to make it seem like there's possibly more. I guess my bf is "the exception to the rule" because he has female friends and like I said he's cheated on me before so i'd have a reason to question these relationships but if I do he just gets really defensive and that's an arguement I just don't want to have. Since this thing with "c" I find myself questioning everyone's motives. I'm wondering what my guy friends intentions are with me. I even asked one of my closest friend of the opposite sex how he views me etc. He said that if he's being honest he has to say that he is very attracted to me and that if ever the opportunity presented itself for him to take things further he would jump at it. This really bothered me because I had no idea and now I feel like what my bf said is right and I HATE that. I don't even feel like I want to be friends and talk to my guy friend anymore. Am I overreacting? Is it natural for people to be attracted to their friends of the opposite sex in this way. My friend has never ever stepped out of line with me and knows that I'm commited to my relationship.

What do you think?

Teemie

P.S. I spoke w/ J and he says that he didn't know that C had cheated and that he also didn't know C was offering me anything other than friendship. He said that's completely up to C and that he has nothing to do with that but he said that If I don't want to be bothered and C keeps bothering me then that's another story entirely and that he's going to talk to C about that aspect of it. He also says that C is definately at this point trying to get me to feel guilty and in turn take things to the bedroom from what I told J. He said that's a cheap last resort type of strategy on C's behalf and that he has less respect for C now and he's sorry he recomended me being friends with C in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: teemie27
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:51pm
Sounds like your boyfriend has a double standard when it comes to opposite sex friendships.

There is an LA based talk show host that always says what your boyfriends says about guys being friends, wanting more etc.... I've found that about 10% of opposite sex friendships don't include the 'attraction' and would have to agree with the rule of thumb. Of course there are exceptions.

Good luck to you with sorting out your relationship issues.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: teemie27
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:59am

i'm sorry but i really don't understand any of this. no,not all men cheat, and not all men view women as sex objects that just given the chance they would jump into bed with them. and yes it is possible for women to have 'friends' of the opposite sex without cheating.


BUT ---- you seem to have a desire to put yourself into very unhealthy situations and then wonder why things are going wrong. kind of like getting into a car without your glasses (if you need them) - and then wondering why you are getting into so many accidents.


first - you are in an unhealthy relationship with your BF. so either ACCEPT that your bf is a cheater, and hypocrite to boot - or get out of it.


second - its one thing to be 'friends' with guys at work and its another to share all your relationship problems with them. you KNOW that this is going to lead to them 'wanting' and 'offering' to 'help' you. just DON'T DO IT. i also work, and i am also friendly with other men and women i work with, we have lunch together, coffee breaks, work on projects together etc. but there is a thin line between 'professional friendly' and 'too friendly' and i think you keep crossing that line. someone in my organization once told me that she purposely is not best friends with anyone at the organization, even tho she's been there for years, and its an academic type (like university) of organization so people have been thru school together as well, and she said that its just not healthy. and while that may be alittle extreme - there is some truth to that.


i am glad for you that you are working with a therapist and wish you the best of luck. and definately do NOT fall for "C"'s 'oldest line in the book' - his marital problems are NOT your fault.