Feeling stagnant after 5 years

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Feeling stagnant after 5 years
1
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 2:40pm
This is complicated, so I'll just state the facts as clearly as I can. Thanks to anybody who can offer any advice or strategies...

Long distance relationship – me in Ontario, Canada – he's in France

5 years, 21 trips on my part to see him

We’re both in our 40’s (old enough to know better by now)

We started a business “together”, so I thought – to make his dream happen

Have done lots to help him – invested some money, did lots of publicity, got him contracts with other agencies, business cards, brochures, found clients, created 11 page website, the list goes on and on. Trouble is, he makes me feel marginalized with regard to the business – I guess it’s an ego or a pride thing, but it hurts. He never talks about the part I played in making this all happen. He calls me “his Canadian friend” whenever I’m lucky enough to get introduced to his clients. I have discussed this at great length with him – he tries to change.

After 5 years, I feel stagnant. Each time we discuss my desire for a more committed relationship, he panics, says marriage is out of the question although living together would be okay. I can’t move to France for at least the next couple years– 2 teenage kids whom I don’t want to involve in this – they have their own lives in Canada.

I’ve tried every strategy to get him to commit, believe me, every one. (Read “How to get him to commit” on iVillage – I’ve tried them all in 5 years) Last time I said, "I couldn’t go on any more because I felt we were moving nowhere, I feel stuck – I wanted to take a break and give him time to think about what he really wants – when he’s decided, maybe, or maybe not I’ll be there waiting for him." I stayed away for 7 ½ months (although we stayed in contact by email every day). It worked somewhat, because he finally agreed to work on getting me French citizenship, so I was appeased for the time being.

I leave for France again in 2 weeks. As usual, I’m getting the “what the hell am I doing this for?” jitters. (He never comes to see me. He can’t due to the nature of the business. He’s very cheap, gives few gifts – only jewelery I ever received is a silver bracelet – and 2 years ago at Christmas he gave me 40$ to buy myself a ring, while he sat whimpering in the truck (payed for by me) again, what am I? Crazy, in love and desperate to live my dreams in France with him, because despite the commitment issue, I’m very happy with him and love my life with him, when I can be there. I think we’re very happy together. We laugh all the time and there’s lots of affection, but he’s selfish so I see why he’s never been married at 46 years of age

Latest development, I’ve temporarily shut down the website because I feel used. He’s in a panic because he’s noticed and is asking me if I know what happened to it. I don’t want to discuss it with him, because it’s already been discussed over and over. It’s always the same. I feel it’s time for action because he’s not “hearing” me anyway.

So what should I tell him? What would any other confident, life is great, reasonably intelligent girl tell him or DO? He deserves some kind of explanation but I’ve said it all, I think, unless someone else out there can think of some other strategy. I’m tired, fed up and want to be more than “the Canadian friend”.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 9:30pm
I too live in Ontario Canada..he lived in California. For 18 months we emailed, we talked on the phone..i went to see him...he was going through a divorce (duh huh)..i was relationship naive. I ate up every last morsel of "i love you" and "i didnt think i could love anyone as much as i love you"...to, I have to pay a lot in alimoney...god, i heard it all..and i didnt know any better...i hadnt listen to my friends, family when they said ACTIONS screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm louder than WORDS!!!

Oh god...what an eye opening experience that was. I was in love..and nothing or nobody could tell me different. I put up with behavior that if i was on the other end of the stick, and a g/friend told me about, i would give her the same advice i now give myself! Actions do scream louder than words. That words without actions are cheap and meaningless. I also was a giver...i use to send him monthly "care packages"...god i loved to spoil him. I gave and gave and gave. Then i read an article about ppl that give too much in relationships..and it taught me that by giving too much, i'm not seeing the relationship for what it really is. I'm not giving him the chance to put 100% into it like i was. Why did he have to?? I put in 150 he put in 50%. He didnt have to work any harder..i was doing all the work. FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOLISH!

This guy dumped me saying that he indeed didnt want a long distance relationship afterall and had found someone there! He broke my heart into a million pieces. But i learned a lot about myself and about men.

My advice to you is to STOP giving too much! Allow him to give and see how much he work he puts into the relationship...if he puts in very little, RED FLAG! Also i learned that how can anyone miss you if you never leave?? Stop all contact with him...allow him time and distance to miss you. Let him get an understanding of just what you meant to him. He cant do that if you are in constant communication with him. Allow him to miss you!

If its meant to be, then it will be. He will climb mountains and swim oceans to keep you in his life...but honestly, from what i have read, he's not gonna do any of those things for you because he just isnt that invested as you are. It's you that is keeping this relationship going...why?? god,..i did the same...i should have walked away long before he did. And it's been almost 3 years since he walked out of my life...i never meant anything to him...he doesnt miss me ...he is not the man i thought he was..because if he was, he would swam those oceans, climbed those mountains for ME! Because i'm worth it damn it...that and much much more!

Deborah