I'm engaged & think I fell out of love

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
I'm engaged & think I fell out of love
4
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:36pm
My fiance and I have been dating for a year, and engaged for 6 months. We also live together. It's a quick enagement, I know. We were in love, I was thrilled with him, and he's an awesome, awesome individual.

For some reason, I feel I've fallen completely out of love. I am not feeling attracted to him, I don't want to be touched by him, talk with him, or even be around him. When he enters the room I feel my breath become shallow, my mood become cranky, and I have trouble keeping eye contact. Everything he says & does is the epitomy of kindness and love. I feel like a real evil loser.

I can't talk about the wedding... I can't talk about our bank accounts... I have trouble imagining a future, and sometimes I feel panicked and suffocated.

Two things you should know:

1) He's been diagnosed as bipolar type 2, and can be very needy sometimes. He periodically has crying fits, and tons of self-esteem issues. He leans on me for support, and I've given it as best I can, but over the last few months, it's getting harder and harder to listen to him and help him.

2) I've had relationship problems before. I always fall out of love. I know "love is a choice" and because this guy is so wonderful, I've been making an effort to see his good points, and try and conjure up those loving feelings again. However, it still feels like all my past relationships where I fall out of love and initiate a break up.

What I want to know is:

1) At what point is a "love by choice" relationship no longer sufficient. I'm literally starting to get pains in my stomach when I see him... I feel like eventually it's going to really effect my health (mental and physical)

2) Could it just be this isn't my "true love". I'm not sure all relationships don't end up exactly like this after time. Maybe I should forget that true love, lasting love, exists and settle for feeling loved (as opposed to feeling loving).

Writing this makes me so sad I have to sign off or I'll burst into tears. It rips my heart to shreads to think of hurting this sweet sweet person....

Elmira.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 1:24pm


There are so many things that are wrong with yoru relationship.

If you have been 'making an effort to see his good points, and try and conjure up those loving feelings again.' then get out. Don't do him any favors by staying in a relationship where you can't touch him or make eye contact. Love isn't that much of a 'choice'-it isn't like deciding on what car to buy. And being loved is no reason to commit the rest of your life to someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi Elmira, I am not an expert but will share my opinion with you on your situation. Living with someone with any mental or physical problem puts an extra strain on the healthy one. My daughter was involved in a shorter relationship with a guy that had both some mental problems and a knee injury from football, and that relationship turned into a nightmare. Your guy, based on what you have said, is a good person but that is not a good enough reason to marry him. I see that you have two problems 1) what to do with this upcoming marriage, and 2) your inability to keep a loving relationship alive.

On number one, I don't see how you can go through with it. At this point it just won't work and getting married to someone you don't now love but think you might later is not good reasoning. You have a good heart and don't want to hurt the guy so you will have to tell him (in a way that isn't directed at him) that you have rethought the idea of getting married. You could say that you had not planned to get married at this time in your life but had just got caught up in your love for him and agreed to do it. You have had time to think about it and you just don't want to make that kind of committment at this time to anyone. You should also plan to move out.

On number two, I think you should spend some money with a good analyst, to see if you have a problem with a loving committment or it you just haven't met Mr. Right.

I don't know if these suggestions are right for you but it is what I think you should do.

Good luck and best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 6:43pm
Before you leave yet another relationship because you feel that you are no longer "in love" consider the investment you have already made and find out why you "keep falling out of love." What does being in love mean to you? What are things the 2 of you do to nurture your relationship into a stronger one. Did you feel it was your job to take care of him. Have you been the care-give in your other relationships?

You seem to have gone into a relationship that has more needs than you are able to handle and you shouldn't have to do that on your own.

Right now, you are in a co-dependent relationship. That is what makes it an unhealthy relationship. Not necessarily the bipolar disorder. There are other people who have bipolar, or other mood altering disorders who do learn to take responsibility for their health and are able to be in a fulfilling intimate relationship. If at one point you were in love with him, and feel he is a real sweet guy - have you tried a different approach. Like - when he is very needy mentally and emotionally, he turns to professional help for support and takes some time for himself to get better. This takes some self-discipline on his part to be less dependent on you. Also some self-discipline on your part to not take on the role as care-giver, thus not sacrificing your intimate relationship with him. Your fiancee needs a support group who can help him through the rough times. Taking some personal counsellig and joint counselling might help determine what each persons' roles are in your relationship. Relationships where there are mental and emotional health issues aren't totally impossible - they are unique and take special care. (Just as if one person was in a wheelchair - the couple makes adjustments in their relationship) But one should never totally depend on the other to do all the caring. Even a person who has bipolar can learn to give more and not take all the time (dominating the relationship with their health issues), and know when his needs should be met professionally and not in an intimate relationship. If he can't take this responsibility because he doesn't realize when he is not well - it has been known for the other partner to get the professional involved then back off and go about doing other things while he gets it together.

On the other hand - if you feel this relationship isn't going anywhere fast - breaking it off with him will hurt him but it is his responsibility to take care of himself. Be honest about your tendency to "fall out of love" in all your relationships, and express that you want to get some help for yourself - it isn't all about him. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:38pm
Thanks, all, for writing replies. I should probably have mentioned in my original post that both my fiance and I are in therapy (separately, of course...) I've acknowledged, and have been working on a better understanding of myself, and my problems, for two years. He's been in therapy much, much longer.

But honestly, I'm getting impatient. I'm so tired of examining myself every day, trying to figure it all out. Wondering why everyone around me can seem to make relationships work, and I can't.

It's so crazy the way a new relationship can make you forget all your problems, and that no obstacle is insurmountable. At the beginning of every relationship I am blissful... then suddenly something shakes loose and I feel totally different. Maybe my expectations are too high... I don't know.

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts to share on keeping love alive, making committments less scary, let me know. Your input is welcome here.

Thanks!

Elmira