My bf and his ex...what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
My bf and his ex...what to do?
3
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:36pm
I've been with my bf for 6 months and we are serious about each other and also exchanged "I love you"s. Here's the thing: when we met, he told me that he and his ex broke up because they lived so far from each other (we're in MA and she's in CA). This was in December. He was still friends with her and I was jealous because she used a fake name and started asking me about my military bf. She wanted him back, so it seemed. But in April, the whole truth came out. I found out that my bf was actually still going out with this girl. In fact, he cheated on her to go out with me. But in April when I found out, he said that he already broke up with her cause he wanted to be with me and me alone. We broke up but I forgave him and took him back. In the process, I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. He asked me to help him forget her. I said yes and I told him that for that to happen, he should stop talking to her and move on. We had a huge blowup with him saying that they were friends before they got together and he didn't want to stop being friends with her. He also told me that he realized that he wasn't really in love with her, that he just had feelings for her as a friend. I said fine, ok. But I'm still worried and wondering that he might be going out with her still. I know they still talk on the phone, and when he was checking his e-mail, I passed by and I saw an e-mail from her. He saw that I was passing by behind him and he closed the window quickly and maybe guiltily. I don't want to snoop on him but I don't know what else to do. I don't want my heart to get broken again! I even told him straight up, "If you have feelings for someone else, let me know and I will let you go. I don't want to keep you if you don't want to stay." he said ok and that he understood. What do I do now? I know that if I ask him all these questions about their relationship that he will get mad at all my questions. All I want is for him to be honest with me about their true relationship. I was even thinking that maybe I just need to know more about her...what really worries me is that he seems so secretive about their relationship.

Please help! This is killing me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:53pm
I know this is a painful situation for you. I've been there, I think we all have.

It might be helpful if you try working on yourself, instead of trying to change him. It seems obvious that you're not happy with his behavior, you're not getting the attention you deserve, and you're driving yourself crazy in the process. All the worrying, all the suspicion. It's poison to you....

It might be good for you to take some time away from him to think about yourself, what you want in a relationship, and whether you honestly think he can provide it. I'm also a firm believer that there's no reason to scour email and hunt for clues. If he's still involved with this girl, he'll tell you, or you'll find out somehow serendipitously. Guys blab accidentally... or their friends spill the beans... there's no reason to wear yourself out trailing him. Just sit back and wait for the truth to appear.

Please be good to yourself. Good luck.

Elmira

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:02pm
Elmira,

Thank you so much for your advice, I think you may be on to something here. I haven't really been spending time focusing on me and thinking about what I want and need. Again, thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:24pm


'I found out that my bf was actually still going out with this girl.'

'he cheated on her to go out with me'

'he seems so secretive about their relationship.'

'I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he said yes.'



I don't think you should be in a situation where you are going to 'wait for the truth to appear'. How dysfunctional is that? Besides the truth is out there for you to see and hear, loud and clear.

'he realized that he wasn't really in love with her, that he just had feelings for her as a friend.'

And you believed it. Funny how his feelings for her changed when you threatened to leave. He is playing you for a fool.

This guy has feelings for another woman. He isn't being forthcoming with you because he wants to date you and keep her as a friend who may turn into more or as another girlfriend.

'I don't want my heart to get broken again!'

Then do the right thing.

'All I want is for him to be honest with me about their true relationship'

Exactly when, how and why do you think that will happen. What would he gain from telling you?