I want a kid..he's not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
I want a kid..he's not sure
3
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:56pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now.

I'm 39 and he's 41. Neither of us have any children.

When we first met, I made sure he knew that I wanted

a child, either naturally or by adoption. He seemed

to be ok with it, saying that he wasn't sure if he

wanted kids or not.

He was married for 12 years to a woman who did not

want kids, and he had a vasectomy.

We've had "discussions" in the past about the subject,

but he asked for some time to think about it, which I

gave him. I'm tired of waiting for him to decide, and

told him that the future of our relationship was based

on his decision. I said that I would not give up

without even trying to have a kid. So another week has

passed while he has been "thinking".

I asked him about it today, and he said that he is at an

impasse because he has "no burning desire to have a child"

but he still wants to continue our relationship.

This situation is just killing me. I really do love

this man, and would like to develop a deeper relationship.

What should I do?

Should I make the decision for him and leave?

or should I wait in limbo?

Thanks for taking the time to

read this. I appreciate all of

your responses.

Renelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:48am


Dear Renelou:

I got married for the first time at age 40 and had my one and only child at age 42. I completely relate to your situation. At this point you need to operate under the assumption that he does not want to have children. If having a child is a non-negotiable thing, then you should leave. You cannot afford to stay in the relationship hoping that one day he'll decide he wants to be a daddy. That day may not come and you might be resentful.

Do what is best for you.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 8:36am
I think Punkydoodle was right - you have to do what's best for you. Sounds to me like you did all the right stuff -- telling him you wanted a child up front, giving him time to think about it. The problem is knowing how long you're willing to wait for him before giving up. If it were me, I'd decide how long I was willing to wait, then leave if he's not onboard by then.

Good luck!

Elmira

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:25am
He has a vasectomy and he does not want children. So you are asking him to get his vasecomy surgically reversed for something he does not even want. And to help you raise a child he does not want for 20 years!

I would say you are asking too much from him. If you want kids that bad, move on and meet another man who does want children. Most men want them.

This man is special in that HE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN! Let him meet a wonderful "Childfree" woman (like myself) who will love him totally the way he is! Everyone should have what they want in life. And not have to have what they DONT want!