should i break it off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
should i break it off?
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:38am
I am stuck. I've been dating a guy for less than a month. It started off with a bang and it was wonderful. Now it's terrible. He was quite the player before me and I can't get over that. Every woman we see, I wonder if he slept with her. Yesterday I spotted him at lunch with one of these "ex-es." He says that I am being unreasonable and that he hates to be questioned. Being questioned is why he broke up with his last serious girlfriend. Am I crazy, or should I just shut my mouth? Now we're at the crux. Do I end it and spare myself a lot of pain? Even though it's only a month, we really fell hard for each other. HELP!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:29am

If you love this guy and want to be with him you're going to have to develop plenty of self confidence, and quickly. You say he was a player - which means he had lots of women. If you are going to now use this fact to drive yourself and him crazy, then you are actually ruining the relationship before it has a chance to get going. The bottom line here is that you have to trust him. Just because he was a player doesn't mean that he cheated. The two are different. If you do not trust him and feel he will cheat, or that you can't compare to the other women he's had, then this is not the situation for you. But take a moment and look at it carefully. Did he cheat before? Was he cheating by having lunch with his ex-ex? (Some men maintain friendships with former girlfriends.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:37am
My dear, it is not going to get any easier... if you are having problems with his life style, let it go NOW...

Don't you think you deserve better than a guy who doesn't feel that he has to explain his relationships (sexual or non) with other women? I think you do... move on girl, move on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:54pm
You've been dating less than a month, but you are already attached and claimed to have 'fallen fast'.....

Most people are on their best behavior the first 2-5 months of a relationship because after that period of time, they can't hide their true self. He's meeting other females for lunch, women he's slept with.... but have you met them, been included and introduced? If not, why not? How serious is the relationship on his end? I mean, seems he's not considering your feelings and doesn't expect to change his behavior, actions, decisions and choices for anyone (true player MO there).

Developing a long-term relationship should have a little more focus on the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of the relationship and not on the physical (sexual) aspect. It's easy to jump in bed, becoming attached to the person on a physical level, without really exploring values, morals, opinions, whether or not they are emotionally supportive, etc. And my personal opinion is that it takes about a month to develop each aspect, that means, one month for mental, one for emotional, one for spiritual before the physical.

Mentally, do you have common interests and ideas, can you carry a conversation (besides when you are goin got see each other again, have sex again, etc) - views on politices, religion, current events, etc. Then emotional - how is his relationship with his parents, especially his mother, when something bad happens to other people is he sympathetic, how is he with small kids (siblings, nephews, friends' kid's) or with small animals? Is he compassionate? When you are upset, does he listen to you, hug you, give emotional support, or become irriated? Spiritual, do you have similar beliefs? Do you share that part of your life together?

My best to you on your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:34am
Thank you for your advice. That's about as clear as it gets. Actually, I did talk with him about boundaries. I'm a very good communicator and our discussion was very enlightening. I believe that we set some good boundaries. Now we have ANOTHER problem! You see, we are both in the military. I'm single, no kids and can retire in 5 years. He is single, but has 2 kids not living with him. Although he's invested a lot of time in the military, he is planning on getting out in December to go be a father to his children. I think this is admirable. Now the issue is, he is pulling away. He says that because he and I fit so well together and are so comfortable together, he's afraid that by continuing to see me, he may make a decision to stay in the military and not go back to the states to be with his kids. (He is planning to move to California to be close to them. There is nothing going on with the kids' mother.) I understand all of this, but I'm selfish too, because I want to at least be together until that time comes. He says he'd like to back up and be "friends." We are really that and more. Sex is totally not the focal point of our relationship. He'd like to go have dinner once in a while. I'm not willing to do this. To me, if it's over it's over. No stepping back. I will have to cross paths with him nearly every day from now until he leaves. This is very hard for me. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt me. Right now, we are still discussing what we should do. I just want him to take the chance. This really sucks for me because I'm always the strong person. I hate feeling so maleable. I just can't put on a hard face though and pretend none of this bothers me, or that it's okay if we're pals. Please tell me what you think... Thank you so much!