Drifting husband (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Drifting husband (long)
2
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:43am
Here goes...

I have been married for nine months and we have been a couple for almost three years, and friends for six. He has been my best friend and has always been there for me..but to make the story short..I was not there for him about a month ago when he needed me the most, he was having work problems and issues with school. I was so busy dealing with my issues I totally ignored his calls for help. He had and has been really depressed and says he wants to die because he is so unhappy, I feel that I can't help him because he is not letting me now. When I ask him he says I let him down..I said I'm sorry already about a million times, but he doesn't want to hear me- I have always been there for me and he has ALWAYS been there for me, but now there is a huge barrier between us and we hardly even talk, and if we do talk we end up fighting and saying mean things..I bring up something that happened in the past and he brings up how I let him down.

We are both very young (I am 22 and he is 24) and still getting used to being married. An issue he says is that I do not give him his space- he says he needs to be ALONE and does not need me always watching what he is doing, because he has never done what he has really felt like doing and that he has not been a normal guy. Which in a way is true because he is VERY different than other guys, he is not the kind of guy who would drop me to go out with his friends, or to not tell me where he is..etc.. Actually he has never depended on friends and does not have a really good one, or to tell you the truth he just doesn't have anyone but me.

I feel terrible that I can't help him, and I feel bad that I let him down, but things are just getting worse and worse.

Well there is also another problem---He started talking to a women who is 12 years older for advice, and I found out he calls her like 6 times a day. Well when I confronted him about it he said that by the way I found out I was invading his privacy. He went off on me about that but told me that he is getting advice and help from her because she is older and she knows a lot more. I did not tell her he could not talk to her, but I keep checking his telephone bill and he is still talking to her. His reason for talking to her is that she doesn't know me and that he needs to talk to someone who is not in our circle of people we both know.

When I ask him aobut it he sometimes lies, and other times tells me the truth. Anyway I am really going through trust issues because the thing is that I am scared and still getting over something he did before we got married. He did not maintain a relationship with anyone else, but got cold feet and kissed an ex- at a club. I saw him-I almost died, we did not get married when we had planned because of what happened. It effected me so much that I even moved away. I know him and he is not the kind of guy to cheat and be that way, he would rather tell me..but I am still so afraid that I ask him all the time and I bring up our realationship much more than what his problems are- but I can't help it.

I graduated with my BS in Psychology and Art and I would need to start looking for another job and I can't focus because the person I love is suffering and acts at times like he doesn't even want to be with me.

I hate this barrier that is between what do I do? Ignore that he is talking to another women and focus on him, or do I take it as a sign?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:19pm
Go to counseling RIGHT NOW, with or without him.

He's punishing you for letting him down and he's using the fact that you let him down to justify getting emotionaly close with another woman and sharing intimate details about his life with her. It's called an emotional affair. It could lead to a physical one.

He's turning it back on you, yet again, because of the way you found out. Sorry, that doesn't wash. That would mean that it's ok for him to have an affair (cuz he'd never tell you) as long as he hides it. You trusted your gut feeling that something was wrong. If he had nothing to hide, you would have known about her and met her and he would have been sharing intimate, emotional stuff with you, his wife and NOT with another woman.

Hon, you may have snooped, but he's betrayed your trust too. He's walking on thin ice and he doesn't know it or maybe it's just that he doesn't care.

Read this, consider printing it for him to read also.

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?




Edited 7/7/2004 6:53 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 4:53pm
You both desperately need counseling. Pick up the phone and get a referral from your M.D.