Living Seperately

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Living Seperately
2
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 4:53pm
Hi there - My bf and I have been together for 3.5 years and lived together for 3 years of that time. We get along really well. He is an incredible person, and everyone we spend time with thinks we are really great, as do I. We never fight, we have great intellectual conversations and are attracted to each other in many ways.

Recently he informed me that he needs to live on his own for a little while. He's never lived completely on his own (always had roommates) and feels he needs to do this. He has a lot of stress with work with super long days. He says he isn't going to disappear from his life, and given that he hasn't lied to me about anything before I am trying hard to believe him.

He said he thinks we are too dependant on each other and in some ways I can see his point. I want to be able to give him his space and be positive and use this time for myself to focus on my career and my needs, but the thought of moving and extracting ourselves from each others lives physically is really really tough. I don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% sure they want to stay with me, stay with the relationship and move forward. At the same time, I love him like crazy and all of this really hurts.

This is such a surprise, I am so confused. Do you have any insights? Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kyashi
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:04pm
Well, he's got to do what he's got to do.

But what is totally unrealistic is to expect this action on his part - not to have a reaction/consequence from you regarding him/the relationship.

I mean, you can't just take him back in, give him all your trust, intertwine your future without fear and anxiety - if you put yourself on hold till he's done doing whatever it is he's gone out there to do, or find out about himself or whatever

He IS stepping back from the commitment...he is damaging the integrity of the bond.....and there is no way around it.

So when the relationship gets to this state, heck, even now it is in this position...you've got to reassess your "identity" - and not put so much of your future and your goals and your efforts into "what you have together" - because what you have together that you were planning on - now is NOT going to be a reality on the existential level.

He might easily live apart, find out whatever it is he needs/wants to know - come back to you...and then at that point you two would pick it up and begin to rebuild based on his "newness" being that he'll have changed and grown.......to plan a future all over again.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
In reply to: kyashi
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:26pm
Wipe off the blinders girl!! This is not the way truly in love people behave. You can deny, repress and justify it all you want..if a man wanted to be "independant" in my life I would promply give him his walking papers. This screams of potential infedelity, fear of committment and just plain player behavior. This is a man that is trying to see how much he can take from you while creeping around with other women. No doubt about it. Let him go OR DEMAND complete and total devotion from him. If he is incapable tell him to take a hike!