I am at a loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
I am at a loss
2
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:27am
My husband and I have known one another for 35 years and this December we will have been married 34 years. When I met him I knew he has insecurities and showed jealousy but it was nothing to worry about. The longer we have been together the worse he gets and to top things off he is an alcoholic. He beat me up last February and we have been seperated since, he is living with one of our daughters. At the beginning of June he was allowed to move back home which I expected and wanted him to do so that we can finally put all the cards on the table and maybe get this matter solved so we can get on with our life. Instead of him coming home he used the opportunity to make me think he was moving back in so that he could use it to hurt me. He let me think I was picking him up from work the day he was coming home but when I got there he looked in the car and said I am not coming home with you besides the kids and I have plans for a family celebration this weekend then he threw a 12 page letter at me that covered every single little thing that happened since I met him in 1969. Every little incidence that ever occurred regardless of how little it was he has accussed me of cheating on him. I wouldn't mind it so much if any of it were true but he has been putting me through hell for years for nothing.

He is currently seeing councillors through AADAC as well he is registered in a course that is held for abusive men but that doesn't start until August 12th. His probation officer and I have spoken on a couple occassions and she is trying to be as helpful as possible but there is only so much she can do. I am seeing a couple councilors myself one through AADAC, one through the Mental Health bureau as well as a councillor through an agency called Stop Abuse In Families (SAIF this is a Canadian agency)so I am doing everything I can to try and help him as well as pull myself out of this nightmare and every single time I begin to make a few strides either he or one of the kids (we have 3 adult children) does something to drag me back down.

He says he isn't talking to the kids about our situation and up until a couple weeks ago I believed him but I don't any longer it appears that the 4 of them are sitting coming up with methods, ways and looking for opportunities to attack me again (emotionally) and every single time it takes me weeks to start to recover to the point that I can do anything. I work so I never miss a day of work but other than that I stay at home in bed.

I decided that from now on I am no longer going to allow them to do this to me and as a matter of fact I told him yesterday that as a result of the meeting I had on Tuesday with the AADAC councillor from now on when he dumps me for the kids and their "family" plans instead of letting them get to me I am going to say fine do what you need to do and I will do what I need to do. I will go out and find someone to be with that really cares about me and I will not think about them and their cruel and vicious attacks. He said to me well you better not do anything stupid. I got so angry with him that I yelled at him I have never cheated on you what is wrong with your head?

Anyway any normal thinking human being wouldn't have a problem just walking away from the years of abuse that I have had but unfortunately I don't seem to be normal. I keep hanging on to the hope that one day soon he will begin to see the error of his ways and thinking and that he will come back to me and make everything up to me and we can once and for all be happy. How stupid is that and how long do you think that I should continue to hold on to hope before I finally just give in and file for divorce. I would really appreciate any insight you might have for this mess. You can reach me at:

sylvia.hayes@aglc.gov.ab.ca

Thanks for your consideration and attention and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:42pm
I'm not sure what AADAC is.

I would think he would need some help dealing with the alcohol like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). They also offer family support though Al-Anon. If he was doing the 12-step program, you would not have gotten a 12-page angry letter, you would have gotten an apology or him trying to make amends when he reached step 4. He's not looking at the situation from what he did wrong, instead he's playing the victum. And the role means he doesn't have to be responsible for his actions, choices or decisions, he has you to blame. Your kids will have their own lessons to learn about their father's behavior.

Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz

Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome : A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery by WAYNE KRITSBERG

It is sad that your children are blaming you as well. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You have to focus on you and your healing. You are not to blame. You are not a bad person. And more importantly, you can't save him from himself.

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:35pm
Hi Sylvia,

I thought I could muster up a good reply for you but the fact your husband beats you is unacceptable to me regardless of his other problems. You should have left this man long ago. If your kids are old enough and mature enough to understand what their father has put you through they can make their own decisions and if they side with the father they don't understand anything.

It's never to late to fully enjoy the rest of your life. Do it. your only here once and don't deserve so much BS.

Brent