How important is your background?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
How important is your background?
3
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:11pm
I am 26 and I have been together with my live-in boyfriend for 2.5 years. I love him very much and we frequently discuss marriage and children, but there is one problem I can't seem to get over. My boyfriend and I have very different education backgrounds. I went to a good college and went on to get a master's degree. My boyfriend is now at the age of 25 going to community college and hoping to eventually get a bachelors degree. He has a good work ethic and enjoys learning new things, but he isn't incredibly smart. He is by no means dumb, but he doesn't have the best grammar and things like that. When we are alone or around friends this doesn't bother me, but when we are around my family, who are all intellectuals, I become self-conscious. They tell me that they think he is great and not to worry about it. I am an incredibly analytical and self-conscious person anyway, so this could all be in my head. My question is, is this a big enough obstacle that I should reconsider our future together? Besides this one point we are compatible in every way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:54pm
I think this may be something you can overcome. Look at it this way, my boyfriend does have a college degree and is a very successful engineer and he still speaks in broken English and has trouble comprehending some things. He can tell you all about differential equations and sedament erosion, but still can't pronounce certain words.

Although it irks me, being a grammar queen, I've stopped correcting him and decided it's just one of the quirks that come with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 10:05pm
I agree that I think you can overcome this kind if background issue. Usually college is a "go or no go" kind of difference. You either think college is worth it or you don't. Someone who is trying to get a degree, as your BF sounds like he is, has the belief that college is important so that you both agree on passing that down to your kids. Other background differences are a little tougher, i.e. religion, etc. I think you will do fine - just remember it gets harder to go to school the older you get (re: money, family, time, energy, etc) so support him and help him meet his goal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:14pm
My brother quit school during grade 10 and needs time to phrase his sentences as he has difficulty speaking. Sentences are often not grammatically correct. The harder he tries, the more difficult it is. His wife, a cultured, well-versed outspoken university graduate is a lab technician in a large hospital. They are very happily married. His self esteem comes from his abilities and the love they share. At first it was difficult for them to work out their differences - he to accept her more liberal views and she learned to accept his conservative views. Whatever brought them together? They decided to work as a team and learned to listen to each other's ideas rather than picking at each other and trying to make the other more like themself. They are in their 25 year of marriage now. They both bring home a good salary. He is proud of his wife - they compare their wages and he pleasantly enjoys the fact that her salary is much higher than his. She on the other hand brags about his talents in carpentry and all the detailed renovations he does in their home. Interesting that one of their children would be a slow learner with an inherited disorder - from the intellectual mother's side.

If you feel you would analyse your boyfriend and not be able to overcome the things that bother you now - set him and yourself free. It would be sad for a nice guy like him to feel he never measures up. It would also be sad for you to eventually feel burdened with someone you feel doesn't meet your standards. Does intellect really measure a person's worth? Is it fair to analyse someone you love based on their intelligence?