hes smothering me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
hes smothering me!
4
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:30pm
i have been dating someone for 4 months now. he is a great, nice guy, we have fun, he defintely wants to get serious, etc. he also is very into spending a lot of time together and is always planning things out ahead of time. lately though, ive been doubting my feeling for him, if i like him or even know him ----i feel that hes moved so fast the whole time and im feeling smothered, like we became this instantaneous couple so fast.....in addition, lately hes been even more clingy--he had to go out of town for three-four days and last night kept saying how much hed miss me, was so concerned with what id be doing while he was gone (which i told him myplans),etc. he gets bothered, i can tell when i go out seperately from him even though hes met my friends and likes them. i am very independent, like my own space and dont like how its going. i feel smothered, im getting turned off with the neediness, and feel overwhelmed.that for only 4 months this is so much. im really starting to freak. i dont know what to do. i know much of how he is is great and what people want, the commitment, openess, affection, future,etc. and i do as well but its making me close up. any help is appreciated.

because its moving so fast its really freaking me out--im 29 and hes 30. all our friends are in serious relationships or getting married so there is a lot of that talk/pressure and now i find myself analyzing nonstop and wondering if hes the one---which i have no idea! but i feel pressured to know because of the intensity of the relationship!

im freaking out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:55pm
Howdy crn9,

Take a deep breath and try to understand that this man is infatuated by you, as well as a little insecure (maybe just because he truly loves you and is scared)

My wife of 17 years told me that I was smothering her recently but her actions made me do this, her actions made me unsure of myself.

My advise, which I wanted from my wife but never received. Confirm your feeling towards him constantly, reassure him, talk to him and you will get the space you need.

A man that loves you too much is not a bad thing. Turn it around for a minute, assume he was out all the time with his friends and called you once a week, never seemed overly excited to meet up with you, left questions in your mind about what he does and with who, shows half the interest he shows now.

Just some thoughts

Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:00pm
Well, peoples values justify actions.

And basically, the first 3-9 months of any relationship is infatuation. "Your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you". Lots of people mistake that for admiration, respect, acceptance, trust, and "love" and get comingled and intertwined during infatuation...only to find that the person that they're cohabitating, comingled, engaged to or married to is someone they really "don't know" in terms of values, priorities, goals, standards, boundaries, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve one.

They find out that out by impact....because alliance has impact. And whatever a partner does, says, thinks, feels, wants, pursues, or achieves is going to "impact" positively or negatively your future, your options, your position, your life....and when the impact is good emotionally during infatuation - alot of immature people assume that "impact will always be good as long as I'm with THIS person".

So "it" is moving fast....whether the "it' that you're referring to is getting superficially and externally intertwined, comingled and connected...or whether it's the "it" of feelings in light of situations.

Just remember, feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. But people that use feeling as if they are those things are "emotionally driven" and waht they are pursuing 210% today - they could be running from at 210% tomorrow. Because feelings ARE a result of situations, situations are always changing....and emotionally driven people tend to believe that thier feelings must be "positive at all times" before they can "act right or succeed".

But basically, the guy is insecure....you're the best option for a future,for advancement, and for security he's got...he doesn'twant you to get away. He's doing everything to let you know "that the benefit of you in my life makes me feel so great".

Whether you read it as "I'm so great" or not depends on your level of personal awareness, acceptance, and responsiblity.

Because he's NOT saying "you're a great person and I admire and respect you as a person"...he's say you in my life makes me feel so great. Meaning, he in this because it's "all about him" - that it benefits you, gives you someone to be with, someone to structure your life around....that's fine.

And this is very "normal" in today's society - he's not sitting there rubbbing his hands together while his eyes glow and his horns twinkle going "I'm going to take her for everything she's worth."

We're raising "insecure adults" with the parenting style of the last 30 years in play now.....in our "adult" society.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:09pm
You know, Brent makes sense. If this guy really, really likes you, he may be sensing that you are emotionally distancing yourself. Which of course you are doing because he is smothering you. He is probably afraid of blowing it with you and is trying way too hard. You don't need to tell him you love him or anything, but before you write this guy off it can't hurt to do what Brent recommends. Show him some extra attention and reassuance and see if he calms down. My husband was like that before we got married. He's great now and gives me lots of security.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:24am

sorry - this is not "love". if you feel he is smothering you - then he probably is. secure, adult people should not be "bothered" when their SO goes out on their own.


Now - i don't know if this is "you" feeling insecure - or if you have an "objective take" on the situation. do you have close and honest friends whom you could ask?


bottom line - if a relationship doesn't feel good - then its not a healthy relationship.