How to help depressed boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
How to help depressed boyfriend?
4
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 7:24pm
I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost 8 months and we live together. I believe he is currently experiencing depression. He is in his mid-30s and he is not where he thinks he should be at this stage of his life. He's not happy with his job. He is looking for new work, but is unsure of what he wants to do. He does not want to make a move to a new job and end up in a place where he is still not happy. He is not where he expected to be financially either. He feels like he doesn't have enough time to accomplish all that he would like to. All of this is contributing to his depression- which he acknowledges.

I don't know what I can do to help him with this. I'm trying to be supportive, but what can I do? It is affecting our relationship. He does not want to burden me with his troubles, but I think this is causing some distance between us. I can feel him pulling away. It's taking a toll on me because I'm not getting the affection and caring that I need and used to get. I feel selfish because I know he is going through this, so I'm trying not to let it bother me.

I just love him, and I want this to work. I want to be able to help him. I don't want to lose faith.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 12:03am
Wow, you're living my exact life!! My fiance hates his job, feels he doesn't make enough money, worries about finding another job he despises. It's rough on a relationship. You try to be supportive, but the stress and anxiety eventually pour over onto you.

I talked to my fiance about the situation. I told him I'd try to be supportive as possible, and encouraged him to talk about it when he needs to. BUT, I told him that fixing his job-related anxiety was his responsibility ultimately, that I could only lend an ear. I also told him that when I felt his anxiety was causing me to be stressed that I would kindly tell him that I couldn't continue the conversation at the moment. It's really just self-protection - you have to keep some distance or it will eat you alive!

You sound like a very patient person, and I know you want to help him. Maybe you could encourage him to seek professional counselling if the despression persists over a period of weeks.

Best,

Elmira

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:33am

The only thing you can do is make sure he knows that you support him and love him, no matter what. Life should not be measured by your financial status or the house you reside in, but what makes up your heart and soul...unfortuanley, he doesnt see things this way. Only he can change his thinking, you can merely just be there for support.


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:18am
Suggest he see a career counselor. He may get an idea of what he wants to do professionally by talking it through and taking some career inventory tests. IS he interested in going back to school?

Does he suffer from depression in general? Suggest he see a Dr.

If he doesn't want to do anything about it then there isn't much you can do. Be supportive and decide if you are getting enough from this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:13am
I feel a lot like your husband, but i'm still young. i read a lot of self help books b/c i myself am lost. i can never find a job i turly like and like r husband i don't want to leave my job and find another where i am also unhappy. there's been too many times where i've been depressed and couldn't get out of bed. when i was in high school, a teacher of mine gave me a book to read, and it may not help now, but i think it's a good think to have, and you should really let him read it. i have the older version, but this is the newer one:"Do What You Are : Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type--Revised and Updated Edition Featuring E-careers for the 21st Century"by Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger. It actually helped me figure out who i was. my mom always tells me that there's no hurry to get anywhere, and i only now understand that. i understand that ur bf is in his mid 30's, and that's not old. going back to school may not be for him, but i think if anything he may need to get away. it's really hard to be supportive i know, and like ur bf says, he doesn't want to burden u with his problems, but he may be killing himself on the inside. for me i just had to be left alone. i find that what helps me a lot is being left alone to think things through. going out sometimes just gets me more depressed. if he's anything like me, he probably needs to cry and get it all out for a little. i actually took a break from my bf which helped me a lot. but u two live together so i really don't know what to say to that. i just think he may need time... this is a lso a book that helped me too:"A thousand paths to COMFORT" by David Baird. it's actually a book of quotes, but it gives you a bit more reason to look for the broghter side of things.

try looking for these books for him and read them together:

"A thousand paths to COMFORT" by David Baird

.....he also has books about generosity, tranquility, wisdom etc.

and:"Do What You Are : Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type--Revised and Updated Edition Featuring E-careers for the 21st Century"by Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger

GOOD luck to you, i know everything will be fine. it just takes time. :)