little intimacy but he says he loves me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
little intimacy but he says he loves me
6
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 1:39am
My b/f (35) and I (36) have been together for 3 yrs. We have had some ups and downs in our relationship. The main one that bothers me right now is that we don't have sex that often. We will have sex and then he will not want it for 2-3 months. When we do have it it is usualy pretty good and sometimes really out of this world and then nothing. It has been a sexual rollercoaster ride. The times we don't have sex he isn't very intimant, kissy, huggy, or laying close when watching T.V. I will reach out to hug him and he walks away and I will say get back here and give me a hug. He will and say you know I love you. Well I know but it always feels good to be shown. I feel rejected by this lack of intimacy and love making. I have expressed many many times my feelings about this and he says it is stress. I am not understanding what the heck has him so stressed that he can't have sex but maybe every 2-3 months. He lives with his dad to help take care of him and the house and his dad doesn't take money from him for bills. My b/f works for himself so he pretty much makes his own schedule and he has a roof over his head, food on the table and nice truck and he says a great g/f and I am lost on the stress issue. I told him this is causing problems in our relationship and he says it will all be ok. I have asked him to go to the doctor and be checked out and he will not do it. He will go for other aches and pains, when he is sick or needs to get a cortisone shot in his bad knee but not to ask about his sexual problem. I love him but I am so lonely in this relationship sometimes. Any ideas on how to get him to listen to my needs on this and figuring out the problem he is having? I just don't know what to do anymore. Also, he sees a counselor and he won't tell her about his sexual problems either and he tells me he can open up to her about anything. I don't understand.

TIA

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 2:23am
It is hard for me to understand what is going on with your b/f. I know for me if there is conflict in a relationship at the time it is hard for me to be interested in sex. You seem like you are a real team player in the relationship so I don't see that as a long lasting issue (maybe a bad day here and there). Sex and intimaticy I think are very important in any male-female relationship, most won't last very long without it, so I would say to try once again to communicate your needs to your b/f and if he doesn't respect and respond I think you are going to have to revaluate whether you want to stay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 11:27am
I disagree. I have been through caring for an ill parent at home and know it puts an amazing amount of stress on relationships - even when everything else in your life seems fine. But spending 50 years with someone means you work through the tough times and enjoy the good times - because there will be lots of both. If you feel the basis of your relationship is still good (he's a good person, you both have similar outlooks on life, want the same things, you are loyal to each other, etc) than maybe this is just a rough patch you can get through. Some people call a rough patch 3 mos some people can survive a year, only you can decide how much you can work through. You sound like you really love him so maybe couples counseling could work? It may give him a venue to really voice his fears about his father's health and how it affects everything else in his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 11:40am
two questions - has it been like this for the entire three years? and also - he is 35 - i am assuming he had other relationships. has it been the same in his other relationships?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 12:36pm
To answer and respond to all...I do feel sex is important in a relationship. Not the most imoprtant but it is a connection between two people.

Sex was more frequent for the first 6 months and then it slowly became less and less. In his past relationships the sex sounded like it was frequent and good. I can't go into detail but I would have loved to been with him back then...WOOOOOOW. I just want some spark in our relationship. I know he loves me and I love him.

He doesn't take care of his dad every minute of the day. His dad can do quit a bit for himself. He can cook small meals for himself and bath himself and shave and dress and he walks out in the yard and stays alone for a few hours a day. My b/f helps with cutting the grass, grocery shopping, making dinner sometimes, and taking his dad to the doctors when he needs to go. His dad has meds delivered so my b/f doesn't have to get those. Alot of what my b/f does he would have to do on his own for himself. What he can't handle that??? I don't know what the previous poster had to do for their elderly parent but this sounds like it may be different.

I do however agree that you committ to a relationship and work on the good and the bad. It all will not be good. I have always been there for my man and still am trying to be. I just want my needs met along the way. I don't mind a bad spot but a life long bad spot I can't do. So that is why I came here for advice. I can't imagine a 35 year old man not wanting sex more often. I don't know if it is mental or physical and I am asking if anyone has gone through this and if anyone can help me make my b/f feel more comfortable about dealing with this issue WE are having.

Thanks to all

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 1:19pm

It's hard to say if this is "just the way he is" , i.e. his sexual needs/desires are just not very great, and he is fine with sex once in a few months, and that at the beginning of the relationship he just put forth alot of effort. and now that you are together - he doesn't have to put forth that effort any more.


or if he is really under a lot of stress - be it due to his dad, his job, whatever.


I would suggest talking to him again. telling him that you love him but miss the intimacy. and that you will go WITH HIM to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 7:59pm
I agree with the everyone in the idea that sex is not all of what a relationship is about. But Firelight I think you should know that I agree with you that it is a very important part and your partner should be considerate enough of your needs to do everything he can to provide the caring, intimatacy, and sex that a good relationship requires. You have the right to expect him to go with you to a profesional to address this issue.


Edited 7/12/2004 2:51 pm ET ET by txguy2004