In and Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
In and Out
4
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 1:27pm
My ex-fiancee moved out 6 weeks ago per another disagreement about his only child. He continued to make daily contact with me for 4 weeks and being upset at that time since I had not changed my attitude in regards to money and holidays issues.

The daughter is in her mid-20's. Previously she had taken substantial money from the ex's business and ran off. She punished him by not contacting him for several years. She finally came back for support with hubby and his children in tow. My ex bought a small business to help them out and went into major debt to do so. TSince then, they have taken advance of his credit cards but he won't make them responsible in fear that she will leave again. I am not allowed to interfere because it is his money and they don't like me.

If I were to reconcile with this individual, I expect to watch and make comments in regards to the business' debt since I would accrue half of it from the time of marriage. My ex will not agree to a pre-nup. We have had 2 years of ill-will on the topic of his daughter being responsible for her actions. Other than this, it has been the best relationship that I have been in.

I have not been kind in my remarks about not trusting her and doing check-and-balances but have attempted to be objective and firm. My ex only digs in his heels. He is also concerned about holidays since they don't like me or my own adult children. Apparently we are considered the rightous high and mighty. I have offered viable solutions to holidays but he turns them down.

I have appreciated his moving out while we attempt to sort things out however, he isn't willing to compromise. I am nervous about taking on debt that I have no control or say in as well as having to content with individuals that don't like me. Yet I am willing to do so if I have several reassurances. I am totally messed up on how to resolve this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
In reply to: evn57
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 4:00pm
Since you are not presently married to this man, and it is HIS money, I dont think you have the right to interfere. Once you marry him, then you can have more of a say in the matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: evn57
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 4:48pm
I don't think you should marry him until you resolve your issues. It sounds like the circumstances are too much for any marriage. The situation with his daughter is not going to change and you are right to be concerned about the money and he debt. It seems that he is not able to set boundaries with his daughter or to negotiate a win-win solution for the both of you.

Maybe you two are better living apart and not getting married? Do you really need to get married if you have adult children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
In reply to: evn57
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:53pm
I agree about not interferring now but I am attempting to define boundaries if we were to get married. That is what he can't answer. How does he feel if I do a check and balance as I do for my own finances especially since I am liable for half of the debt from that point on? When happens if they continue to use the business credit card for personal expenses with no plans for reinbursement? Currently they added $17,000 in credit charges in less than 3 months with about $1000 for personal use. Can this issue be addressed after marriage or is the status quo of overlooking going to continue? Who will address it? I come off looking like the villian since I expect individuals to be responsible for their debt. My ex doesn't have that attitude. Though the issue of them being reponsible for their own debt brought on the end of the engagment, I do agree with you that I have no rights at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
In reply to: evn57
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 10:05pm
Thank you for your reponse. I do still believe in marriage. He has been married twice with the daughter being a stressor on the 2nd marriage. I have been married once. The problem is not only in how we deal differently with our children but in our expectations for them. My ex doesn't have boundaries nor does he feel that I should. Though he recognized that he is being used, he choices to stay stuck because of his fear that she will leave again. By the time all is said and done, he is presently over $95,000 in debt for this business. The business is unable to pay off more than the interest on the cards. He can't give me a clue of how involved I should get if we were to marry. He doesn't want to compromise. He can't set a dollar amount of how far in debt he is willing to go. Even with a pre-nup (which he isn't willing to consider), I may be liable for any new debt. THe creditors don't have to honor a pre-nup. Again, thanks for your reponse.