I really need help
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-11-2004 - 10:44pm |
This is the first time I'm posting on this board, but I've been lurking for a few months! This will be a long post as I want to make sure all the details are revealed.
I feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I can't get out to save my life. The issue has to do with my past, my husband and alcohol.
In 1986, when I was 16 I was a passenger in my friend's car. He was 18 and we were coming home from a summer beach party. We rounded a corner and all we saw were headlights in front of us. A drunk driver hit us head on. Being 'cool', I wasn't wearing a seat belt. I went through the windshield and landed 125 feet away. I heard my friend moaning loudly and gathered all my will to drag my broken body back to him. He had a 5" piece of glass in his forehead and ended up dying in my arms. The drunk was just fine...not a scratch anywhere. I was in a body cast for a year and rehab for almost 2 years.
Fast forward to 1989. I was living with my boyfriend in Florida. A friend from my home state called and said my best friend (I had known him since I was was 4!!) was on a motor boat with his father. His father had been intoxicated and ran the boat into a sand barge. My friend drowned.
I have no respect whatsoever for people who drink and drive!
My husband (I'll call him Alex) and I met in February, 2003 after communicating for about a year online, where we found each other. During all those conversations online and on the phone Alex told me he enjoys having a few beers when he gets in from work. Ok, I can understand that. I have had a few beers in my life too after work.
Well, after we moved in together I realized that his "few beers' equated to 6 to 8 EVERY night, including weekends. A typical homecoming for his was this: He would walk in the door with his briefcase in his hand, make a beeline to the fridge, grab a beer, opening it, drink half in one swallow, THEN come in to whatever room I was in and say hi, give me a kiss, etc.
One evening, he had one a and half bottles of beer and I started to cry. He snapped at me, asking, "What? I can't have a beer or two with dinner?!" I told him that I didn't care about that part of it, but I cared about the frequency in which he drank and wished it would decrease. He then cried, stating that no one had ever approached it like that before, that it had always been, "You drink too much!" but that I had 'held up the mirror' so he could see what I saw. For 5 months, he didn't have a drop of alcohol. One day that changed, but it was more like social drinking...a few beers 2 or 3 times a month.
Even if he has 2 or 3 beers, I can SEE a difference in him...his eyes get 'droopy' and a little glassy looking, he becomes argumentative and no matter what I say, he has to agrue with me. So I hate when he has his 2 or 3 beers. This past Thursday set me off. He had a 35 minute wait for his train, so he popped into the bar next to the train station and had 2 beers (24 oz. each) and made his train....that's 48 oz of beer in let's say a half hour. His breath smelled so awful (the smell of stale beer makes me ill) so when I wouldn't get too close he asked what was wrong. I said, "I just don't like the smell of the beer." and he replied with, "What does it matter if I have a few beers before coming home?!" Well, I don't know really, but it DOES matter to me. Am I not allowed to feel uncomfortable and not have a crystal-clear reason why?
Today in Upstate NY was a 15K race called the Boilermaker. He has run every year since it's inception in 1985. The race ends in the huge parking area behind the local brewery where free beer is given to all runners. Knowing that I am uncomfortable being around him when he drinks, I stayed home (250 miles away) and asked one of his friends to be the designated driver. I wanted to try nce again to open up the lines of communication so I sent him a really long e-mail to read when he got to NY this past Friday that told him in detail why it bothers me so much when he drinks and how I wished that we could talk it over and reach some sort of agreement. He read it and called me on the phone stating, "I WILL NOT reply to anything controversial! That's just ridiculous!" Now, I have tried many times to talk to him about my feelings (and yes, he knows about my 2 friends) and his reply is always the same...he doesn't want to talk about it.
I found out tonight, that this friend was more affected by the beers than Alex and that they BOTH drove our car. I became enraged and we fought over the phone for 2 hours. It ended with me saying he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted because obviously I am not entitled to my feelings. I know I am, just as any person is, but I just give up!!!
I just don't get it...we have always been able to discuss anything at all, and if we had differing opinions, we would work hard to reach a compromise. This isn't one of those times. I am being made to feel like I need to just keep my mouth shut and be the 'good wife'. I'm not an unreasonable person, if he wants to have a few drinks to unwind from work fine, but he doesn't have to get mad at me when I tell him that the smell is upsetting my stomach!
What's wrong here? Why is it that he can't even try to see my side? why is it that I am supposed to agree with him on this?
Thank you for getting this far,
Littlefaithgirl
Edited 7/11/2004 11:31 pm ET ET by littlefaithgirl2004

If you do not already have children, I would not recommend having them with this man. If you do have them, don't let them drive with him.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like. Before I was married I gave up a great relationship because of alcohol. The man was really nice, made me laugh and was very financially successful. I could not marry him because he drank consistantly. He never appeared drunk. He was a very well functioning alcoholic but I knew I was not safe in the car with him.
Please take care of yourself.
C