Am I Crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Am I Crazy?
6
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:54pm
I've been with my current boyfriend since high school, well off and on since high school. Way back then when we were together, he was very rude and mean to me. He would continuously hurt my feelings, cheat on me, and lie to me. At one point, when we were hanging out at his house when I was 18 and he was 19, he even went into a bedroom and had sex with another girl while I was right there. He then dated this girl for a few years while cheating on her with me once in awhile. Anyway, he also slept with a girl that I know from a different city, he just happened to run into her and didn't know that I knew her until after.

This is along time ago. Today we are together again and have a baby together. We have both grown up, and could never stop getting in touch with each other again, and always ended up back together. But, although I tell myself that I trust him, and I think I really do, I can't let go of all those nasty things that he did to me all those years ago when we were still young. I am really trying, but it is like he doesn't understand how bad he hurt me then. He always says stuff like, "We were kids, things weren't serious then." But he has never appologised to me, and I feel like I can't accept that he has changed until he appologises. I even have dreams about these girls that he cheated on me with. Am I crazy? Or should he appologise to me before I forgive him totally?

Another thing is that he is always commenting about other women. If he sees them in a movie, or on t.v, he always says something about their smoking bodies, or body parts. I just gave birth 8 months ago and have yet to lose all the extra weight I packed on. I feel bad enough about my body, but when he comments on everyone elses, it makes me feel like mine isn't good enough. How can I get him to stop doing that? I have asked him repeatedly, but he won't stop. Just the other day he downloaded a half naked girl for his screensaver, and thought it would be funny to tell me to come look at it. Why is he so insensative? Or am I just oversensative?

HELP!!

HALIGR

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: haligr
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:25pm
You chose to marry a man who treated you horribly and now you are upset that he objectifies women. You allowed him to cheat always staying around to take him back. Maybe he isn't cheating now and has grown up a lot but his values and morals aren't exactly perfect.

What are you hoping for? Do you want him to change? If he apologized would it really be enough considering what he says and does in front of you? Is this man a role model for your child? What will the baby learn about relationships and how women are treated?

You can have a serious talk about respect with him and maybe even go into counseling together. Would he be willing?


Edited 7/13/2004 3:57 pm ET ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: haligr
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:03am
I have to agree. If you are having these negative feelings about the past I wonder why these feelings didn't stop you from having a child with him?

It sounds to me like he still hasn't grown up. Perhaps he has outgrown his cheating ways but he still hasn't learned to respect you anymore than he did in high school. Counseling would be one possibility or you could give him teh ultimatum that if he doesn't settle down about how he objectifies women, then you are out. And follow through with that.

Also, don't let him get you down about your body. Don't let any man do that. Those women on tv and those models are completely unrealistic. You have to remember that you are a beautiful person with a lot to offer, you have a beautiful child who needs a mom that feels good about herself and takes good care of herself. I'm also a mom of three and I know what you mean about the body and the babyfat; my youngest is four and I still have 20 pounds left to lose and a bunch of stretch marks to boot...it does stink! But you know what I do? I make time to pamper myself. I get my nails done one week, I make sure to get my hair done regularly, I buy new perfumes that I like, sometimes I'll by a necklace or earrings that I like. My favorite store is Bath & BodyWorks. I even go into Victoria's Secret once in a while and just buy a nice sexy pair of panties for me to wear. Not to excite my man but to make me feel sexy and good. I suggest you do the same for yourself and believe me you, it will help you get your self confidence back into full swing!!!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: haligr
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:37pm
I have to say I agree with the replies you have gotten so far and would add - he hasn't grown up much if he talks about smoking bodies, or body parts in front of you.... it's disrespectful to you and your marriage. And the fact that he dismisses his previous behavior as 'We were kids, things weren't serious then.' That just means it wasn't serious to him. He has no clue how you feel and worse he doesn't care.

If you can go to counseling with or without him, please do.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: haligr
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:44pm
No, it gets worse. They aren't married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: haligr
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 6:27pm
Well I wouldn't say that is worse. If they aren't married then she can get out. It's bad enough for a boyfriend to behave this way; but for a husband too is much worse. She's lucky she's seeing all of this now before walking down the isle.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
In reply to: haligr
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:51pm
Actually I was looking for advise from the proffessionals who run this part of the website, but thanks for your oppinions.