Getting Engaged- Disappointed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Getting Engaged- Disappointed
6
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:30am
I would really like some advice. Growing up at my parents I was a pretty spoiled child, I got a lot of what I wanted. When I decided to move in with my bf everything changed and reality hit big time. A year later I still have some problems adjusting. I love my bf very much and we have been talking about getting married and everything which we both want to do. The problem is, is that I can't seem to get them image out of my head of the so-called "perfect" engagement/wedding plans. The type of ring that I want is not what he can afford. We've gone to look at rings a few times and he wants to get me the ring I want but can't right now. I figured to just wait until he afford something nice, but he wants to get engaged right now. I just can't help but feel disapointed. I don't want to and Im trying to be happy about it because its suppose to be about love and the fact that he wants to marry me. I think there maybe a part of me that just wants to show off the nice ring- but who doesn't. The other thing is that Im 20yrs old and I don't think that I should have to settle for anything right now and I don't want to be stereotyped of the "too young to get married/can't afford it/being stupid" type of looks and everything. Someone please help, Why am I feeling this way, I don't want to!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:07am
lilshorty5....

Pianoguy thinks your problem is conflict. You're trying to decide if "material issues" are more important than the emotional ones. Tough call when you've been pampered by your parents during the formative years. BUT TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST...

It sounds to me like YOU AREN'T READY to become a bride, wife and (maybe) a mom? And if this is the case...HOLD OFF ON ANY DECISION CONNECTED WITH MARRIAGE!

Most couples who are on a limited budget know the meaning of "compromise"--and are willing to do without 100% perfection because they want to be together! You seem to be more self-conscious about stereotypes, the perfect ring and other issues. Worrying about what other's will say or think will only make YOU sick!

If the wedding ring is a big deal...make an arrangement with your b/f that within 5 years, you can select something more elaborate. But don't be surprised if you end up using the extra money for new clothes or a bicycle....especially if you have a rugrat or two in the house!

Keep in mind that you can be "on your own" indefinitely...but the minute you decide to share your life with someone else...you can't keep your single lifestyle too!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:36am
In my experience, if the ring is that important, then you aren't ready for marriage. If the ring is worth waiting five years for, you could take that time to mature - and wait on marriage. It's probably the second most important decision you'll make in life.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:52pm
You feel the way you do because of your expections. Because you have a dream/fantasy of what would make something 'perfect'. Mostly things are perfect exactly the way they happen, but people always want the 'ideal' of what is perfect.

He loves you, wants to be engaged to you, wants to marry you, and you instead want a material ring of specific specifications and anything less than brings disappointment. How sad. The ring you 'just gotta have' could be a 1 yr, 5 yr or 10 yr anniversary gift.

You cannot put a price tag on love. I've known so many people that get upset when everything doesn't go perfectly according to their idea of perfect without realizing that every oops, every funny thing that happens, etc. is what goes into making the experience for them unique.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:19pm
I want to settle down with him and I want to be ready for everything. How can I stop thinking about all the material things and concentrate more on us and why we love each other and want to be together. Things are fine with us and then but then he'll do something that gets me upset and then thats when my mind starts thinking about all material/perfect things. I don't like thinking like that because it's not who I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:58pm
lilshorty5....

Pianoguy hopes the 2 of you have had an honest discussion about income and the expenses you'll face together as a couple? If not...MAKE TIME AND HAVE AN HONEST TALK WITH EACH OTHER!

Fiancial problems are usually one of the first things that can break up a marriage.

You still have issues with maturity and materialism---and unless you can put the "petty crap" and "the expensive desires" aside...you might as well remain "A SINGLE GIRL" for a little while longer.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:18pm
You might want to take some time apart so you can get these mixed feelings straightened out for youself. Face it head on. It's not about his quirks. It's not even about the ring. It's about what you believe about yourself and your expectations of others. Try to separate what is realistic and what is idealistic. Then decided what you can live with. I do believe that getting "pampered" when you were growing up may not have helped you to prepare for the personal work you have ahead of you now. I've seen that happen before. It really makes it harder when the person doesn't get everything they want later. Like you say quite the adjustment. Being somebody's princess just isn't reality. Keep those precious memories but let go of those childhood expectations if you can. Your parents wanted you feel that you were a very loved child and that was their way of showing you. Your boyfriend has his own way of showing you he loves you and anyways -he's by far more valuable than any diamond ring isn't he - or no?