I can't accept her

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
I can't accept her
7
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:29am
I have been dating my boyfriend a little over a year. We have had a great realationship until recently. He has a friend who is a woman. The problem is this. I have never met her. He told me that she has had feelings for him. He was her coach. She lives an hour away. He was her date for two of her siblings weddings while he was dating me at the beginning. She lives an hour away and like to call him and tell him she is showing up. She calls him late at night before I go home. He doesn't pick up but calls her back at 11:30. This has happened twice and both times I told him how it hurt me. In addition to this when I went out of town for 2 weeks on business she showed up and slept over at his place. He doesn't see why that would bother me. This happened after 7 months of seeing each other everyday and couple vacations. I have told him how she makes me feel. I do not want this to be a three person relationship. When we started dating we both agreed it is not a good idea for us to have "best" friends of the opposite sex. We have been fighting constantly about this every day lately. I have told him that if he will continue this friendship with her than I will need to leave as I can't continue like this. I don't even know her and never met her! Now for me to meet her is too late. I would not be a very nice person because of the feelings I have. He doesn't understand what is wrong with talking to her at 11:30 at night after I go home. This is a grown man. He claims nothing is going on but I just feel like she will never go away or leave us alone. He says he would never date her or be with her...but than what is going on here. I really can't argue about his anymore. In addition if I had a guy friend come stay at my place while he is on business he would not stand for it. I do not want to be in a relationship where what is ok for him is not ok for me. What do I do with this situation as I really love him and hope we can move past this. This is our only problem in our relationship! Any advise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:00pm
coco5544...

It's pretty obvious that YOU don't like this other lady...irregardless of whether her relationship with your b/f is platonic or serious.

Consider a 30-day separation period without any communication. This way...your b/f has the choice of dropping you or the other woman. This arrangement also gives YOU the option of dating other people...and deciding if one of them is more important than your current b/f?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:19pm
Thanks for your advice. I don't think this is an option. I think it is basically work it out or break up. It would be too hard to break up for a month, date around, then get back together again like nothing happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:02pm
I have to agree with pianoguy, if you just break up with him you might always think "what if" at least if you take a month apart you can at least say that you caare enough to see what might be. if he cares about you enough he would respect your feeling and tell the other women to back off and he would be totaly up front with you and would have no probleme talking to her infront of you or even meet her, but to me it does sound like he's hideing something. I can't say that he is just because I don't know his side of the story but from what I've heard I would be "thinking" too. I wish you the best of luck in what ever choice you make just try to keep in mind whats best for you and you alone not him.

Take care

opsicle

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:20pm

You are absolutely right. You must respect yourself in this relationship and it sounds as though your boyfriend is not able to understand your feelings or needs. If he cannot respect the fact that this bothers you, that is not acceptable. The essence of a good relationship is that both mutually ocnsider one another's feelings and needs. You have told him how much this bothers you and the fact that he does nothing about it shows that he is not the right person for you. Unless you have a partner who is able to give you the respect you need, it is easy to lose self esteem in a relationship. Let him know that unless this changes immediately, the relationship is over.


If it is over, realize that is for the best. Go forward to find a person who is mature and willing to take your needs into account.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:24pm
Thank you. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who sees things this way. I started to think that maybe it is my fault and I should accept it. But to be honest and fair in this relationship...I simply can not accept her. Why doesn't he see this? Why doesn't he see how much this effects me. How hard is it to understand? I feel like he is silently telling me to accept it because he is not doing anything about it. He doesn't want to break up. Why should I have to accept this? If we were to one day get married....this would effect my marriage and break it up. I just don't understand why guys just don't get it. They want their cake and eat it too.Besides this issue there aren't any other problems we have. Lately he has been saying that I am secretive....how can I keep myself open to him when I don't know what is going on with this woman. I feel vulnerable and scared of getting hurt. I have nothing to hide. I can tell him anything and everything...but I am pulling back on my feelings because of all this. I have told him this so many times. Lately it is everyday...and still nothing. When is it enough? I don't think I can continue like this as I have some many other things going on...job loss, moving, etc. I am not one to give ultimatums at all. But in this case I have told him that it is either her or me. It is his choice. If he is commited to this relationship he will do something about it. If he is not than he can stay "friends" with her but tell me to move on. I am going nuts. Is he stubborn or just doesn't care enough about me even though we have a great relationship besides this? We see each other everyday...which I don't have to but he insists that he is not interested in a part-time relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:18pm
Is he leaving for a business trip anytime in the near future? If I were you, I'd call his bluff - what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he'll be out of town soon, casually mention that an old very good friend called you, and he'll be in town on xx date, and the two of you decided he'd save the money on hotel & just crash at your house. Every now and again, mentioned that you talked to xx (note - AFTER you got home late at night), and he's SOO looking forward to visiting, as the two of you have much to catch up on, etc. etc.. See how your BF reacts to THAT, and tell him double standards don't work here - either it's ok for both of you, or it's not.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:13pm
As I posted to you on the other board last week, I am of the opinion (as were many other posters) that there is definitely more than friendship between your bf and this other woman. Time for you to get out.

Sheri