Please help ME- my husband changed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Please help ME- my husband changed
3
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:58pm
Hi guys,

I do want to say thank you to the people who wrote me back, it was very helpful, specially the article..

Saddly, not everything is better, and it is even getting worse. If you can read "drifting husband" to understand.. but if not- this is the problem..

I dated my best friend for two years,we got married in October, he was everything I ever looked for in a guy.

A week before the actual wedding date (August) he cheated on me with an ex- I saw the whole thing..she came on to him, he was very drunk..bla bla I was devistated and left him to live somewhere else (cancelled the wedding, didn't move to the house we bought..etc) TRAUMATIZING!

He had never done anything like that before, he was actually near perfect, so I took hiom back, knowing everyone makes mistakes.

We started having problems about a month ago and things have keep getting worse. To the point that we hardly talk at all. He says he needs his space and that he is confused..that maybe he was too young to marry..in my defense..he actually proposed three months after we started dating and could not be any happier about getting married..until he cheated on me that time..which now he sees as a sign that maybe we should have not gotten married. He asks himself how in all the time we had been together nothing like that had happened and how come it did only a week before we were supposed to get married.. I ask myself the same thing, WHY did it happen, but that is an old issue we both have to overcome..

Anyway..I let him down by not being there when he had a lot of problems, and later found out he was talking with a co-worker at least 7 times a day, telling her his problems, supposebly, just talking..she is older, divorced and has 2 kids. I have met her, and knew she was one of the only people he speaks with at work, but only worried when he commented, innocently a long time ago that she hooked up with a 19 year old. He laughed about my suspicions that she was trying to get my husband to date her..but long and behold she is nOW the problem.

They talk so much, and I do not know if I should believe that they are only friends. He has changes completly the way he acts towards me but that started when he was worried about work and other stuff, but now he won't even kiss me.

We have only made love three times in like a month, and I feel embaressed to say..but I was the one who came on to him the three times, so I am really worried!!!

He tells me that I controlled his life a long time and that he was not free to do whatever he wanted. He says we made a lot of mistakes with our relationship and that all we did was be together and not have fun like everyone else.

It really confuses me because I have a million letters that he would write me telling me that he loved how we are and how we do not need anyone else..etc..

Ok so today we have a counseling session for the first time and he told me he does not want to go..he continues talking to the lady, I have slept at my moms and friend for the last three days, and he has not made a big attempt of calling me or looking for me, all me leaving the house has done is make the calls to her increase. He says its because he needs someone there for him, but that he is not cheating on me..With the last experience I went through I am so scared.

I feel he does not love me anymore and does not want anything with me. I feel liek I am breaking apart without him, and he doesn't care.

Please help me I do not know what to think anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:08pm
Hon...people's values justify their actions.

When he cheated - it was because he wanted it, he felt entitled to and it wasn't "wrong" because of his values.


He's right - he didn't want the responsibility, obligation and commitment to meet your needs appropriately and consider them equally with his own.

HE had it all _ when he had no commitment and obligation...but the second that was shutting down his options and his opportunities - he was responding by cheating, getting drunk, escaping the situation and you situationally justified his actions iwth the details of the circumstances.

He's now not wanting counseling - saying things are too far gone, and he's continuing his contact with this other woman. Bsically - she's offering him adoration and acceptance without obligation to him to be anything but "who he is"...and that is all he wants.

He's not emotionally and mentally ready to be a partner....he's just prepared to enjoy whatever opportunities, options, or benefits are available at the moment, with whoever they're available with/from.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:14pm
Erin,

You touched on everything that I was too scared to admit. I know you are right, but do I let him go? I love him so much and he was my best friend and a really great guy but now he has changed so much, I don't even feel like I know him, until a really nice part of him comes out at moments.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:22pm
First, read this:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8155.4&ctx=0

Then, realize that you're in love with who you thought he was, wanted/needed him to be - but that is not "who he is". So you're in love with the potential of who he'd be if he valued and prioritized as you do.....you're not in love with who he is now.

Does that make it any clearer?

Because as I see it you have no choice but to let go...unless you are willing to stay with him while he does whatever he wants despite your standards, needs, values, and priorities because you two don't share those fundamental things.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com