Am I blind??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Am I blind??
13
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:12pm
I posted about four weeks ago, I was suspicious of my boyfriend... he went to GA, and kissed a girl, long story. I found out and was very hurt and I don't trust him anymore. I gave him a second chance but learned that he was still talking to this other girl who is his best friend's cousin (he went to GA to visit him and she was there, they've known each other for year's). I was upset that he hadn't ended whatever with her...the relationship was dwindling down and I got upset and called her. He freaked out, we got into an arguement which escalated and turned into him putting his hands on me. He put his hands around my neck, pushed me into the bed causing it to break and he crossed the line. I kicked him out, fired him from his job, cancelled his cell phone...got his family as well as my family and friends involved...it turned into a big situation. He left for a few days and came back to all of his stuff packed up. I wanted him gone. After sitting down and talking, he cried said he was sorry for everything and just wanted a second chance. I've decided that although he crossed the line in putting his hands on me, that I love this person and am willing to put myself out there again in hopes that we can move on with the relationship. As a result my parents now know that he has moved back into the apartment and now my mother is upset because I let him put his hands on me and now she's told me that she has "no respect for me". I don't know what to do. I'm tired of the stress of my relationship, I know that I involved people and now I feel as though I have let a lot of people down because I said I was threw with him and that I would not take him back. Am I fool for taking him back? I don't know what to do about the relationship with my parents...help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizls217
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:51pm
lizls217,

You have 2 conflicting issues here...your b/f and your parents. Unfortunately...YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE!

It's pretty obvious that you've shared "your story about the hands" with several others, including your parents. So this is going to trigger a negative response. If you're expecting support for "taking him back"---you won't get it! Your choice was a foolish one...since you fired him, cancelled his cell phone and indicated your displeasure about him to your family and friends. But then...you did a 180 degree turnaround...and took him back!

Pianoguy wonders if your family is ticked off by your sudden "change of heart?"

Two questions:

1. Are you expecting everybody who is aware of your situation to totally forget what you've said earlier...and embrace your b/f immediately?

2.Are you sure that your b/f has completely "gotten over" the other girl...or is he just buying time until he finds somebody else?

One thing for future reference...NEVER discuss a miserable relationship with the people who care about you. Because once they've supported you...and you change your mind...they'll begin to wonder if the flaw in the relationship is with YOU...and not your boyfriend!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:58am

Im sorry, but your mom is right. He has no respect for you. He didnt when he messed with the girl in GA and he didnt when he laid his hands on you. He freaked when you called her because he was scared sh*t less that you'd find something out you werent supposed too and he lost it. How can he garuntee(or you, for that matter) that he wont "lose it" again???


I think you should rethink letting him into your home again.At the very least, look into counseling and make him start attending.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:58pm
Thanks for the feedback. Pianoguy, I think you're right. I made the mistake of letting my friends and family in on my business and now it's blown up in my face. I wanted the support from the people that I care about and I was so adamant about not taking him back...and when I did, everyone I cared about had questions and concerns. Although he is to blame for what happened in the relationship, I am to blame for letting people get involved in it.

I know that I love this man and that I want to give him another chance and "move on" with the relationship...I also know that love isn't enough to keep something together. In the last 10 days since all hell has broken loose...things have been different. A big thing before was that he was not very considerate of how I felt about things and that it was always about him and what he wanted. After everything happening and him seeing that the relationship was over and that I wanted it to be done with...and that I wouldn't put up with anything...he says he had a revelation and realized that I'm what he wants and he didn't realize it before..blah blah blah. I got the typical, "You don't realize what you have until it's gone" speech. He's been very considerate and kind to me in the last ten days but I'm not a fool to think it's just so he can get out of the doghouse.

I'm torn because I'm close to my parents...they'll drop everything to help me out and they've always been there. It's especially hard on my mom, her father beat her mother when she was younger and had to deal with that everyday...her thinking is she and my father have never laid hands on me, what gives my BF the right to do it? I agree with her but at the same time, my boyfriend may be a lot of things but he's not an abuser. I think the situation just got out of control and he lost it. It's hard because who am I to say that he won't "lose it" again...I thought he'd never cheat either and look what happened.

No man is worth losing my relationship with my parents but at the same time, if I walked away from him I would always wonder if I did the right thing or not. I love him but I also feel that the situation was liberating in the sense that I deserve more than what he gave me before and if he is unable to make changes to better our relationship, I am capable of walking away from him without feeling sad or having the wonder there.

I understand that I have let my friends and family down because what he did wasn't right and by taking him back, I've basically said, "what you did and putting your hands on me was okay" when it wasn't. I invited them into my problems, and I know they just want me to be safe and happy but they don't think it's with him anymore. My mom's set on the idea that he's going to kill me and bury me in the desert now. I don't know how to convince her otherwise. She called me last night to harp on me again and basically said, "don't you have any dignity"..that's when I told her, if you're going to call to talk about this, don't call...I then hung up on her. I understand that they love me and want me to be safe but I also feel that they need to let go know and let me make my own choices and if this ends up being a mistake, then it was my mistake and I'm prepared to deal with that.

I feel like I'm being selfish...but I also know that my mom will think I'm choosing him over her...when really, I'm choosing myself for once and what I want. I've thought about my BF, my family for so long and never thought about what I want and what makes me happy. My BF and I despite what's recently happened have had a good relationship and he does make me happy...but bottom line I've withdrawn my heart a little as I don't trust him anymore. I feel like I'm being smart about things now and I feel as though I've stopped thinking that we're meant to be together anymore....I just want to be happy and take it day by day now.

Thanks for reading!

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:03pm
liz...

I think your personal happiness has to be the priority here.

The late Rick Nelson actually said it best in a song called: "Garden Party"....

"Yes it's all right now...I've learned my lesson well...you see you can't please everyone so you...got to please yourself..."

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:19pm
Liz,

He cheated on you. And then he strangled you. Prudence would indicate that your first reaction was the correct one. I'd move on if I were you.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:50pm
My personal happiness is what's at stake...I'll take my chances with him and hope for the best. Only time will tell. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 6:05pm
Lizls217,

Let me tell you one thing that I have learned from posting a question on this website (the relashionship message boards). No one here wants to give any support. Why is it that women are always the first to say, "Get rid of him, he's no good," but if it had happened to them, they would be exactly where you are.

The fact of the matter is girls, we don't know the whole story, despite the detailed posting at the start of this. So I am going to say to lizls217, you go girl, if you love him, then you do what you feel is right. Of course you'll be smart enough to know where you stand if it ever happens again, but for now you choose to be happy, and that is NOT a bad thing!! As for everyone else, your concerns are valid, but try and put yourself in her shoes for 5 minutes!!

Take Care Lizls217, and good luck!!

HALIGR

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 6:20pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH HALIGR for posting this. Thank you for trying to put yourself in my shoes. I'm by no means a weak person or one that puts up with a lot....I am however one who realizes that people make mistakes, I'm no angel. I try to imagine, if one thing could be taken back, would this be that one thing...and the answer is yes. I will forgive and forget in time but if I don't give him or this relationship that chance, it will never work. I appreciate your post!

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 6:35pm
I just hate seeing everyone getting down on everyone else. This message board is new to me and I usually go on the weight loss and fitness boards where everyone is so supportive and happy go lucky (for the most part)!! Come on ladies, stop being so negative. Obviously men do wrong, but so do women. I think that maybe we should show a little more compassion in this department.

I posted a few days ago, and was completely appauled at the replies I got. True, my message only talked about my problems, but you people made my boyfriend out to be some kind of male pig, and he definatly is not!! He is very kind and wonderful, despite his problems. Someone even commented on his ability to parent my child. How inconsiderate!! He happens to be a wonderful father and a great provider. Sorry that I didn't put that in my post, but no one should assume and make stupid comments about something they don't know!!

Keep in mind that the women posting on this board love the men that they are complaining about. It is female nature to get angry and need advise, but until today I did not know that it was female nature to be completely unsupportive and in general rude. These are just my oppinions, and I am a little angry right now, but I just really hope that my point got across!!

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizls217
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:07pm
Of COURSE he cried, and wanted a 2nd chance. That is typical behavior for an abusive person. He lost control, you kicked him out, he appologized, now you are in the honeymoon phase where he is a big sweetie and everything is hearts and flowers. If everything goes the way of most abusive relationships, gradually things will get back to "normal". He wont be as nice anymore because he knows that you have forgiven him or at least aren't going anywhere. He gets back in his comfort zone. Inevitably, something will happen - a fight due to stress, missunderstanding, him screwing up - whatever. It really doesn't matter. He will lay hands on you again. This might be out of the blue or the abuse may start small and ramp up. At this point you will probably kick him out and he will come back crying and asking for another chance. And so it goes.

This is the cycle. I have see it many times with friends of mine who were or are in abusive relationships. The cycles get shorter. The violence gets more frequent and more severe. The self-esteme of the abused partner errodes as he or she begins to believe it is his or her fault for setting off the abuser and that the abuse is deserved. It gets harder and harder for the abused spouse to leave.

The time for you to end this relationship is now - before he does permanent damage to your body or your spirit. I know that this might sound extreme since it only happened once, he is really sorry, etc, etc. But I can tell you, in every abusive relationship, the abuse started with one incident.

Pages