How long do I pay the price for cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
How long do I pay the price for cheating
7
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:57am
My fiance and I are supposed to be married in three months, but he can't seem to get over my past infidelity. About a year ago, before we were engaged, he caught me "in the act" with a guy friend. The two of us were very drunk and had always been curious about one another, and my fiance and I were going through a rocky patch at the time. My fiance ostensibly forgave me and proposed not long afterward, but every few months or so, he'll have a blow-up over the whole episode.

He thinks I was taken advantage of and can't seem to accept that it was a mutual (albeit very poor) decision. He says that the issue will never subside if I don't agree that I was taken advantage of. Viewing my indiscretion as "date rape" is the only way he can accept it, I think. What makes the matter worse is that the other guy's parents and my parents are very close friends, as are our siblings, and my fiance refuses to be in any situation in which they are around.

How long do I have to suffer for a previous indiscretion? I know that what I did was wrong, but he can't torment me over it for the rest of my life, and he can't force me to change my opinion simply to match his. What should I do? I do love him, and we have dogs and a house together. I don't want to call off the wedding, but I know this will remain a major conflict for a long time to come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:25am
You definitely need to call off the wedding until you get this whole situation resolved once and for all! You don't want to end up marrying him and then having to separate/divorce just a few short months later b/c the situation isn't taken care of yet, do you? I can see where he is coming from in a way. Perhaps in his mind, if you were taken advantage of, it means that you really weren't cheating on him. Whereas, if you consciously knew what you were doing, it was cheating.

That is a tough situation, it really is. Maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but you don't sound very remorseful. Maybe he's picking up on that too, and I'm sure that would feel very hurtful.

Whatever you do, make sure that the issue is completely forgiven and resolved between the two of you before marriage. Sure, it stinks to have to postpone the wedding, but it would be even worse if it ended in divorce just a few weeks later. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:38pm
Counseling, counseling, counseling, pre-marital counseling, go as fast as you can. He needs to accept the truth and not label it as date rape and he has to realize that there will be times when you will see this guy and his family. If he's unable to accept it (I'd have a hard time too) then it's time to move on.

www.marriagebuilders.com Check that site out too.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 6:14pm
If you need counselling BEFORE you get married...geeesh girl...wake up! What is up with women??? A great friend of mine that (female) i admire and respect said it well...she said deb, when sperm hits the woman's body, it numbs their brains! You are serious about getting married...come on?? You're joking right?? Are you in your right mind??

Stand back and think about this...he's just as crazy if he'll marry you after what happened. The pair of you are seriously crazy..honest! Why would you even marry when you both know that the relationship is at best, unstable. There is absolutely no strong foundation here, but betrayal and guilt..and you want to enter into a marriage on those terms??

The two of you should walk away, shake hands and say it was nice knowin ya! If you marry this man under these current circumstances, you will be one of the most unhappiest ppl, in a very very short time. This is just absolutely crazy.

Deborah

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:18pm
I agree with blondie121984. How sorry are you? There were sure a lot of excuses typed up in that post, and although you say you know it was wrong, that is a far cry from being sorry that you did it!! Think about that, and yeah, do not go into a marriage carrying that baggage, because it is an aweful lot to carry!! Ask Dr. Phil!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:42pm
The best thing for him is you leaving the relationship. Your far from ready for a commitment like marriage, that is if marriage means anything to you anyway. He's blinded by his love for you and marriage will not solve any of your/his problems. Let him go and be happy with someone that won't cheat on him when things get bumpy.

How long will you pay for cheating? the rest of your life (with him)

Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:34am
In my opinion, you will pay for it in some way for a long time, or as long as you are together.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:34am

there should not BE a price to be paid at all, IMHO.


you cheated. now - he has to EITHER accept the fact that you cheated, go with you to MC, and MOVE PAST THIS.


or


there is no relationship and I really don't see HOW you can even THINK of getting married.


What you are describing is very unhealthy.


I have heard that there are couples who can "get past" a spouse's infidelity - but it takes ALOT of PROFESSIONAL help, and ALOT of work, and maturity for BOTH sides.