Meeting his conservative mother!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Meeting his conservative mother!
4
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 5:18pm
I have a good one! I am from Puerto Rico and I am currently studying up in MA, where i met my boyfriend. We have been together for 7 months now and his conservative mother has a problem with us dating because i am from Puerto Rico. Apparently i am suffering from the bad reputation given to all puertorricans by some bad apples because the only thing that she can find its wrong with me is where i was born and live now. He in the other hand, has been home-schooled by her during elementary school, still live with them and he started to work 2 months ago and doesn't have enough money to support himself. He is very afraid of us meeting each other and that is why our encounter has been dragged out eventhough I already met his dad. Because of this I have been forced to meet in random places instead of meeting in his house. I feel I am doing something wrong and I am being hidden becasue he is to affraid to handle what might come if we meet. She thinks that he is in the age to get married, (23 years.. she is crazy) and she keeps telling him that our relationship and a marriage will not work becasue we have different cultures. Since her efforts of breaking us up have not been sucsessful, she now has influenced his dad to cut him off and they almost kicked him out of his house because he is with me. In other words, she wants to run his life and her ideal life for her fist son doesn't include me even though we love each other. I am 22 years old and I dont want to get married yet but I can imagine a life with him in the long run. Do you have any tips to win her over when i meet her, any tips to make him stand up for me and/or anything that might be helpful to make this rollercoster i have been riding, a little more smooth. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 5:57pm
Your problem is that your boyfriend is letting her control him, his decisions, his actions. Instead of reminding her that he is an adult, he is acquiescing and therefore you are suffering. As long as he lives with them he is subject to their house rules no matter how illogical and unfair they are.

Can he afford to move out and support himself? Even if he does, will he be emotionally able to stand up to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:14pm
He is saving money to move out but his current job is not is ideal or a stable job. He has told me he can't wait to move out because he is sick of hisparents running his life. I guess once he has money to support himself, and he is financialy independent from his mother, I will see if he is able to stand up to her emotionally. I just don't want to be the cause of fighting between him and his family. I am very close with my parents and we have a great relationship. I value family very much and I wish he could have more of an adult relationship with his parents rather than them treating him like he is 15 yrs old.

In another page, What do you suggest I do when I meet her. I know a lot of things she has said to him and other people in their town, church and her workplace, because he has told me. I know I should be myself and all that.. but do you have any tips? He also has said that she has the ability to take your words and twist them around to make you look wrong or bad, hence she always is right! What if she does that with me when I answer questions about touchy subjects like religion, politics, my culture (which she has a very big problem with) and stuff like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:31pm
First of all, remind yourself that you have no control over how she takes your words and chooses to twist them and what she will say about you.

When she asks about religion or other touchy subjects, just say you prefer not to talk about it or find a way to change the subject. Will your boyfriend help you out at all?

Other than that, be genuine and nice.

When are you going to meet her? Can you meet on neutral ground, like a restaurant?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:08am
When I met his father both him and his brother where really good. They stayed with me all the time and when my boyfriend had to get things from upstairs, his brother stayed and helped me with their dad. I met him in his house and their mom was upstairs taking a shower so I didnt get to meet her then. I am sure that he will help me with his mom.. sometimes I think that he doesnt want me to meet her becasue he is ashamed of her. He always says that my parents have always treated him extremly nice and that they way they treat him is the way that parents should treat their son's/daughter's partner. He came with us to Miami for spring break and to Puerto Rico. Everytime they are in town they invite him to dinner.. etc. (My parents are the best!) Do you think this is a possibility?

Yesterday I got some insight into her mind...my boyfriend told me last night that she sees puertorricans as infirior and she made the reference of "cleaning ladies". (I haven't thought much about it because her way of thinking is stupid) She is truly twisted! As of when I am meeting her, maybe this weekend, maybe tonight...or when my boyfriend decides to introduce us. He said something about going to church with him and his family on Sunday. It will probably be in their house, which I don't mind because I am very at ease with his dad, his brother.. EVEN his cats!

What should I wear? Should I bring a little something for the house or them? Flowers? Candy? Bottle of wine? Thanks!