having trouble forgiving hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
having trouble forgiving hubby
4
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:26pm
hmmm.....how do I start this out?

Perhaps I'm making a bigger thing out of this, but here it is.....

Hubby and I have been married for 22 years and have been happy. Yes, we have had the normal ups and downs...so, don't think that I'm saying things have always been perfect. About 3 years ago we were talking and found that both of us were doing some cybering online and realized it was hurting our relationship and promised each other that we would no longer do that sort of thing. We continued to have online friends and that didn't bother either one of us. I mean...I trusted him! I knew there were 3 or 4 ladies he chats with, which was fine...they knew about me and a couple of them would tell him to tell me hi! Anyway....this past sunday hubby was working on a paper all day for work, which had him on the computer. Around 9 30 that night I went in to see if he was about done to find that he WAS done and playing backgammon with one of the ladies. They were on thier 3rd game...I wasn't too happy that he didn't let me know he was done, but what really hurt me was that when I went to look at the screen to see who he was playing the game with he told me not to look at the screen! Come to find out...they were doing some heavy flirting during the game... doing what he said was play on words such as....."jumping your peice", "here I cum", and since she wanted the game to last longer since it was the last one of the night..."I bet you like it long" to which she replied...."very looooonnng". I was so crushed that he had broken his promise to me but the hurt continued to get worse when he told me that he did in fact initiate the "talk" even tho he knew it was wrong and that it would hurt me! That it just kinda went there... He and I have talked about it several times since and he tells me how sorry he is for letting it happen and hurting me so badly. I felt like he just didn't love me enough to not do it, you know? He says that's just not the case and that it was just done in jest and that there was no arousal...just trying to be funny and do some play on words...and that he should not have done it. We are working hard on our relationship and things are going well, but I just can't seem to get it all out of my mind! I'm having such a hard time letting it go and I can't seem to forgive him. Am I making too much of this? What do you think? Any advice???

~S

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:37pm
Hi,

Just my 2 cents but I think that the fact that you were accepting his talking to other ladies on-line was playing with fire. I don't think you are making too much of it. If you don't put your foot down it can get worse. I would suggest that you tell him that this on-line chatting with others of the opposite sex stop immediately as it's once again hurting the relationship. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:26am
Hi,

Your NOT making to much out of this, It's a very serious problem and should stop immediately. Your both cheating on each other. Playing/chatting with a single person (and I say 'person' because as far as he knows it's a 20 year old boy) online while your partner is in bed, reading, watching TV or whatever is just plain wrong, stupid and addictively sick. One on one's are bad...playing cards or board games with a few others is better but you still get constant flirting that needs to be ignored.

If you can't stay in the same house doing your own thing without putting your marriage at risk then you both need help.

It needs to stop ASAP and he needs to understand just how important it is that he stops completely.

Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 6:40am

your husband was WAY WAY WAY out of line. sure, alot of people go to chats and game rooms, and "flirt" but there is a VERY VERY distinct line with "plays on words" and what you are describing.


Your marriage needs professional help TODAY. its not enuf that you talk to him, he apologizes, and then you both go back to these games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:35am
hi guys and thanks for the advice....I did want to let you know he has said, and without me asking him to, that he is not going to chat anymore or go into the gamerooms. That not cybering wasn't enough to get rid of it. And so he has stopped chatting all together and told me that there have been no emails sent between them.

And even tho I'm happy with that move...I still have this pit in my stomach. I guess it will just take a long while to stop hurting...