Spark is gone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Spark is gone...
4
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 12:15am
Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly two years. About a month ago,he went for a vacation and met this girl. When he came back, he decided to be honest with me and told me that he has a crush on her. But he told me that he still loves me,and he would never leave me. He also said that it was just a harmless crush and that he can never imagine being with her in a relationship. As expected, even though he tried to comfort me, I was upset. I was upset more because he said what he felt for her was what he felt for me the first time when he saw me. Now, that period has more or less pass, although I have to admit that I no longer trust him as how I use to. But I do know that he still loves me. Over the past few months, especially the past two weeks, me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot over very small matters. Two days ago, we had a talk about our relationship and both of us agreed that the spark that use to be in this relationship has gone. I keep on thinking about all the good tmes we had and I cannot bear to leave him even though sometimes when we really fought badly,the idea do come across my mind. The way he talks to me sometimes is like the way he talks to his buddies. Anyway, since both of us have agreed that this relationshihp is getting colder, we decided to relight the spark that was once there. The thing is I need suggestions as to what and how both of us can do to re-ignite the spark once more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 2:03am
I think it's unfortunate that he decided to even tell you this info- it only hurt you and relieved his conscience.

On how to liven up the relationship-

Go out of your way to do things for him that you used to do...whether that be a special meal, flowers, a card, a shirt, tickets to a sporting event, whatever.

You might also want to surprise him with sexy lingerie, maybe a surprise massage, and a romantic, passion-filled evening.

You may not be the one who wants to initiate, but putting forth that effort, might bring him enough excitement to want to do the same.

Getting this "spark" back is on both of you- but you need to realize that the feelings you felt at the beginning of the relationship are hard to recapture. Just because it was new, there was pressure to impress the other, and both of you were experimenting. You can still try new things, re-visit old memories, and re-play things.

It's not something that you can do on your own, but you can definately get the ball rolling if you choose.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 1:33pm
ayanqchan...

If the 2 of you have been fighting recently...what makes you think that a "spark reignition" will sustain or eliminate any future confrontations?

As much as you'd probably like to keep the past alive...men and women change as a relationship starts to "season!" And if your b/f sought the comfort of another woman, there's never going to be a 100% total commitment to YOU!

Perhaps this is something you can accept? But I sense that there will always be a little suspicion on your side as to whether your b/f might take up with someone else? Are you willing to 'chance this possibility' in exchange for "reigniting the spark?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 4:02am
Firstly, i would like to thank you for giving me wonderful suggestions. I shall definitely look into it. As to why he told me that piece of info,well, I myself do not seem to understand it, but he did tell me that he wanted to be honest with me and that he would never want to keep anything such as this from me. Personally, I am glad that he thinks that way, just so that I know what he feels and think at moments like that. I do know that it takes two to tango, hence, in order for this to work, he must also put in effort. I guess I should get the ball rolling. But as it is, at times I do find it very hard to do so, not because he had a crush on another woman. Honestly, I do not mind it. I admit that sometimes I do have crushes on other men, just harmless crushes,nothing beyond that. The thing that I find hard to do so is when we fight. Sometimes, I do try to listen and understand. But he can be unreasonable at times, till I do NOT want to listen or understand. Am I wrong to feel that way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 4:22am
Thank you for your concern pianoguy. My answer as to whether future fights would be eliminated by re-igniting the spark is that, no, it would not eliminate future fights. All relationship have fights, ups and downs. That, I can fully accept. But, in my view, when the spark is there, the difference is: we would be ready to take on the problem and sit and talk things clearly. Presently, everytime when we fight, I admit I do dread talking it out. In other words, I feel "lazy" to entertain all this nonsense. But as always, I will somehow talk to him about it and we will talk and argue, banter about it. And I have always make the first move to do so, although I still cannot comprehend how and why I'm able to do so, to try and resolve things when I feel that I couldn't be bothered anymore. I do not expect to keep the past alive. In my knowledge, there is nothing that can be done to have the "honeymoon" atmosphere back again. It was done and long gone. My b/f did not sought the comfort of another woman. I do understand that it was a harmless crush. Also, I have emphasised to him, and I really mean emphasised that I would leave he has another woman in his life. With that done, and with weeks of threatening to leave him (okay so I did not actually threatened him menacingly, but I did make my point clear in an assertive manner) he actually told me that he would do anything not to lose me. Ha! Even with that, I said before, it is hard to trust him completely. And all I hope is that, with the spark re-ignited, both of us would be more understanding of each other, more patient and loving,less angry at each other and of course, to minimise the chance of both of us( I do mean both of us) being unfaithful. Thank you once again.