Have I made a big mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Have I made a big mistake?
2
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 2:40am
Male friend and I were intimate for a few months and then he said it was wrong because I was married. I initiated the intimacy. I left husband 6 months later because male friend said that he would treat me like a princess. I told husband it was due to alot of issues that we had between us. When I moved out, friend and I were intimate again, but only for a months. He said that he didn't have time for a girlfriend because he was busy with work and raising his kids (kids are older than mine.) This was about a year ago.

He calls me at least 4 times a day and has been doing this since the beginning, 1 1/2 years ago. He had a female friend that he dated after his 3rd divorce, who I believe is really in the picture right now. The past couple of months, a red flag has been raised. His parent became sick and was in the hospital.Female Friend is very close with his family. I am pretty sure that she went to the hospital with my friend and then he supposedly spent the night with his sister. I am used to talking to him constantly on the phone, especially when he is driving to and from some place. He didn't call me on the way out to parents house or the way back. Did call when he got home. A few weeks later he said that they were going to see his parent together for the day. Since then, he has gone to his sisters house for a BBQ with female friend, gone to a baseball game and then visited his grandma afterwards. He has told me that she was going with him. A few weeks ago, he said he needed to make a work delivary and I asked if I could go. He said maybe.The night before, he supposedly was helping a family member pack a trailer for a long trip. He called at 11:30pm and said he was almost done and he would call me after they were done. He didn't. He didn't call the next morning so I called him. There was no answer and he then called me back and said the cellphone signal was bad, plus his battery was going dead. It sounded like he was in a store or something.He said he would call me back when he got done. He called several hours later and he said that he was driving home and I asked where he was and he said he was just passing a certain street on the freeway. That street was the next street after the female friends house. He said he had just gotten on the freeway because he had to use the restroom. Yah right! I think he was with her. He said he wasn't.

This weekend, he went to another family event 1 1/2 hours a way. He said that the female friend was going. He said that he may spend the night at his sisters house because he needs to go check out where he will be moving too because of a job offer. He said he may leave female friend at his sisters house or drop her off at a hotel with a pool, in a city nearby, because he will be meeting with a co-worker and it is business related. He said he wasn't sure if they were going to spend the night and would call me if he came home. (I knew he wasn't going too). On Thursday night he called me and asked me to a sporting event and then last night he asked me to go shopping with him.

He says that they are only friends. This sounds like more, doesn't it? My ex-husband to be still loves me and misses me. I think I feel really guilty because I left a so-so marriage and my 2 boys thinking that the grass was going to be greener on the other side.(2 boys decided to stay with dad because their house is closer to the school they go to. I talk to them all of the time and see ex-to-be and kids a few times a week. The problem is: when I said that he was leaving, ex-to-be moved his mom in to the house. He decided it a few months before I moved out. I was very hurt that he had his mom move in one day after I left. She is still there.

My male friend will be moving to the new city 1 1/2 hours away in about a month. Hopefully we will still talk on the phone alot. He does all of the initialling of calling me. The problem is, I have deep feelings for him.He says that I can come visit and that he will be back to see his daughter. I feel that his female friend will be right there, by his side helping him move and set up house. He said she won't. Ya right.

What do I do? He isn't keeping the fact lately that he see's her. What do you think I should do? Should I work on getting back with my ex-to-be even though his mom lives there? Was I stupid to get involved with male friend in the first place? I just had never been treated like I mattered by anyone and I like/liked it.

Please advise.

Trudy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 5:00am

well. this is probably not what you want to hear, but here goes. I will start by saying tha ti have no intention of hurting your feelings, i am just trying to point out things to you that you may not see.


first ---- starting an affair with someone while you are still married is very wrong on many many levels. and now - you are stuck. you are on your way to getting divorced, and you are stuck in a "relationship" with a low-life, scumbag. seriously - what kind of guy do you think would sleep with a married woman? a good, honest, respectful, guy? or a scumbag? seriously, try to look at this objectively.


second ---- you seem to be very busy finding guys who will "take care of you". again, a recipe for disaster (BTDT!). you are a grownup, you have two kids - its time to take responsibility for your OWN life and start taking care of yourself.


you will NEVER be in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:00am
I agree with sk. This is a mess on so many levels. Why are you surprised that your friend who helped you cheat and has been divorced three times may be lying to you about another woman? Get away from him.

Either try to fix your marriage by going to counseling or stay alone for a while and work on yourself (counselilng). Stop depending on men to make you happy. What about your children? Do you see them regularly? What are you teaching them by your actions?