What do I say?
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What do I say?
| Sun, 07-18-2004 - 1:10pm |
My fiance and I have been together for two years. We have such a great relationship. He is 30 and has never been married, however, in his younger days he really liked women. This hasn't ever bothered me because I know he really loves me and he always says that when he is out he would never do anything to disrespect me. Well, I do not like hisfriends because they are dogs to their wives and everytime they go out it is about picking up women. Well, of course I do not tell Jason that he cannot go out with his friends, but I do not like it. Until now I really haven't doubted him that he acts how I would expect him to at a club.
Last night I did a horrible thing. I went throught his phone. The last two new numbers programmed in were put in the night he went out with his friends, and were women's names. I noticed he had missed a call from one of the names, and I could not help but check his voice mail. The girl said "hey! This is one of the girls you were sitting with at the bar. Give me a call if you want to talk to me and my friend."
At this point I am very heart broken--I feel that I cannot trust him. BUT, how do I confront him about it when I was sneaking through his stuff. He will be very mad that I invaded his privacy, but I cannot let this go.....some advice please!!

Your post is a perfect example of how WOMEN mess up a relationship...and that's done by "snooping!" Aren't all of us entitled to a little privacy? Or does this automatically end when a significant other becomes a part of our life?
ANYWAY...you have 2 issues:
1. You hate his friends. And if the man were to choose between THEM or YOU...what would his choice be?
2. You screwed up and SNOOPED! So you address the issue by telling him: "I did something very stupid the other night"...and then explain the situation and hope he won't BLOW UP at you! Of course, you can always say NOTHING (many women do this) and then you'll always be bugged by "the girl he met at the bar!"
So you can either "take your medicine" or "keep your mouth shut!"
Pianoguy
Should she have snooped? Of course not. Although I don't necessarily think that she's solely at fault for screwing things up. If there was nothing to find, then nothing would be screwed up. She'd feel stupid and sheepish for snooping. In this case, they are both equally wrong...him for tomcatting and her for snooping. There is no trust here now and no reason for any. I don't know if there's an answer.
To vaisses: you can tell him you snooped and listened to this message, but he will talk his way out of it and make you the bad guy for listening to the message. He'll tell you he was getting her number for a friend...that she's an old friend...something that will imply that the whole thing is harmless, and that you are overreacting. I think if he goes out with these 'friends' all the time, chances are he's no different than any of them. If he were different, he would be disgusted by their behavior and choose not to be in their company. I think he's a liar and you are better off just getting out of this relationship.
Not trusting him is one issue, not liking his friends is another, snooping is yet another issue, and his getting girls' phone numbers is a fourth (and largest)
Either admit to looking at his phone numbers or confront him on the bar issue without bringing up how you know. Ask him directly if he is flriting with girls and dating others. Tell him you know how his friends are and are worried he is doing the same thing. If he denies it then decide if you want to bring up the phone thing and be prepared for being put on the defense.
Pianoguy should probably clarify himself a little better??? Sorry if I didn't!
This...err..."gentleman" IS 100% WRONG if he's soliciting other women while pretending to be faithful to only one! And this isn't something I endorse or approve of. BUT...
Unless you're married or exclusive to one particular person...and it's understood that "we have no secrets" (quoting Carly Simon here), I think the privacy issue remains in effect. Irregardless of his bad behavior, NO MAN wants to feel as if he's being monitored or being "spyed on" by any woman. (Our Moms got to exercise this option while we were little boys, but that DOESN'T mean we're automatically granting permission for this to a g/f or s.o.)
It was clear from the original post that "exclusivity" was just one way she wanted to exercise control. You mentioned the friendship, phone number and snooping issues, but I'll bet there are a few other things (he does) that bother her? There are very few of us out there that'll put up with this type of nonsense from ANY woman!
Besides...what's the point in continuing a relationship with a person whose actions make you miserable? The trust is obviously gone. And once that happens, most women (and men) are ready to "bail out!"
Pianoguy
We talked and I told him what I did. He was obviously angry, but I told him that we needed to set that aside and talk about the issue at hand. He said the girls were interrested in his business, and that he talked about us getting married and blah blah blah. I asked him why she called him at 11:30 pm two days later. He did not even realize he had a missed call and called her back right then. He said that him and I (used my name) were out that night. She didn't ask who I was. Thant makes me even Mmore WRONG. I know that I should not have snooped, but I did and now I must deal with it.
Anyway, I told him that I do not think a dance club is an appropriate place for someone to go to with their friends that like to pick up girls. Instead, it should be a place to go to dance with your significant other. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up because you are in a situation that is not very appropriate. We decided that we need to try harder at our communication.