Stay or Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Stay or Go?
1
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 5:19pm
I am asking for concrete input that would help me decide whether to work on my relationship or move out. I'll try to condense the story, but here's the situation:

I married a sweet, giving, funny man 3 1/2 years ago. About a month after we married, I found a stack of incest porn and filed for divorce. The porn did NOT involve children, and was almost exclusively mother-son. He promised to quit and get help, so I let the divorce drop.

Three years (and many, many lies) later I was still finding evidence of porn addiction (mostly internet). Some of it was pretty normal stuff, and some was the mother-son stuff. Exhausted by the conflict and betrayal, I finally filed for divorce again.

We are both older & have very little time in which to have children (both childless at this point), but I have been afraid that he might escalate from the incest porn to acting out fantasies. I have no evidence that he has ever done anything inappropriate in real life, but worry about having children.

Since filing for divorce, my husband has allowed me to take over the password to his computer so that I must enter it before he can access anything. He has also made arrangements for individual and couples counseling. He is begging me to stay and work this out. I have a new job, with new housing available, beginning in 3 weeks.

I do love him very, very much, but I also want to have a family more than anything in the world. Can anyone tell me the odds that he will ever behave inappropriately around or toward our children? I can find absolutely no evidence that he has ever been inappropriate with any friends or family members. He does have a very dysfunctional relationship with his mom, who is distant and manipulative. Is it possible that the incest porn is just some sort of reaction to her? Or should I move on and build a new life rather than take the risk? Any input would be helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: lillith_v
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 8:12am

I think that it would be benefecial to both of you to see therapy. No matter if you decide to stay with this man or not, he has a definite problem. With like any other addiction, it is a constant, uphill battle and leaving him will not make his problem disappear.


Addiction and lies often go hand in hand.....


Best wishes,