Any hope for my situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Any hope for my situation?
5
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 8:28pm
Hi everyone! I'm 42 y/o, married for 8 years to a wonderful man and we have 2 great kids. In the past 7 mos, I've lost that wonderful feeling I used to have toward my DH. He's a wonderful father, caring & faithful husband, great provider, never harmed me in anyway, but I just don't feel anything for him. I've been in therapy for 3 years over self-esteem issues and my therapist has done wonderful things for me. DH has a low self-esteem, he's uncomfortable when we hold hands - he enjoys holding hands, it's just that he tenses up when we do it . . . I've tried to get him to relax, but it's useless. His idea of spontaneous sex is asking if I want to do "it" 15 mins. ahead of time. Even though I've told him I'd like some spontenaity (sp?), he's unable to do even that (I always surprise him when I initiate sex). He seems very uncomfortable initiating any emotions toward me. He grew up with alcoholic parents and my MIL isn't the most "warm & fuzzy" person you can meet - she's nice, but not that warm. The bottom line is that I don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband anymore. We've tried everything to spark things up in the bedroom, but he is unable to be creative, plus he cannot last very long and I'm tired of always "finishing up" what was started. I'm finding sex with him to be very boring. Occasionally, we'd argue about him not lasting long and me taking too long to come and he'd say that he's afraid I might leave him.

I'm finding myself fantasizing being single again. Just being on my own, without a man in my life looks very appealing to me. Eventually, I'd like to have someone in my life who's my soulmate, someone I can talk about anything with - DH thinks the worst and jumps to the wrong conclusion without asking . . . very frustrating.

Am I such a horrible person to let this man go? On the most part, he's wonderful and we get a long just fine. But he's more like a friend than a husband.

Any thoughts?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 8:19am

I think that you need to follow your heart. Life it to short to not do what your heart is telling you too....Have you ever heard of the "children live what they learn" poem? I think it canexplain your husbands situation- not make excuses for him, but explain....


Best wishes to you,


http://www.webedelic.com/church/learnf.htm



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:19am
Thank you! I do realize what my heart is saying is that I'm unhappy, I should let it go. Life's short and I should do what's best for me. I just feel guilty doing it because he is a sweet person.

Thank you for your response - I guess I just need to hear it from someone else.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:14pm
An opposing viewpoint: Don't leave your husband of 8 years and your two children based on one paragraph posted on a website. Consider other options first.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:31pm
Believe me, MB, I've been dwelling over this for over 7 mos now and I realize that a paragraph on a message board isn't the answer. I've been in counselling for 3 years and DH has been seeing one for a couple of months. Eventually, I want us to go to couple therapy with his therapist, but the doctor wants to work things out with DH before doing this. I'm in no position to just walk out the door right now, I want to do everything possible to try to make this work. Deep down, I want this to work but I've known my DH for 10 years and I don't think he's going to change. I married him the way he is and he shouldn't have to change if it makes him uncomfortable. I'm the one who's changed.

The reason why I posted on the board is the hopes that someone has/is going through this situation, to get feedback, and just to vent. Outside my therapist, I really don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this because everyone in my life is so close to my husband.

I appreciate your response and your honesty. Thank you for sharing an opposing view!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:15pm
It's hard to know what the reality is from seeing a post. Maybe you've put more into attempts to work it out than I realized. Should you consider a trial break to see how that fits for all involved?

MB