I cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
I cheated
6
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:33pm
I have been married for 10 years. Months ago we fell into a rut and I cheated with a friend of ours. I know it was just because he made me feel wanted and pretty...Things that I had not felt in a LONG time. It is definately over...but it makes me angry that the one I cheated on with carries on normal like nothing happened.He is a "friend" of my H . I still get "butterflies" when he is around..So I need help. How do I make it stop the butterflies that is,and do I tell H??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: heavyone
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:55pm
heavyone....

Ask yourself 3 questions:

1. While you enjoyed the attention, did you expect your affair to go on forever?

2. Were you waiting for some sort of recognition (or an award) from the man who obviously didn't mind messing around with you....in spite of the fact that you were married to one of his best friends?

3. If you told your husband about your indiscretion, would that jeopardize your marriage? And how will he feel whenever he sees the 2 of you in the same room?

It's only natural that you'll continue to get a few "butterflies" whenever your lover is around. But---unless you want to go public and let the town know you have become a "scarlet woman"---train your head and your heart to tune this unfortunate incident OUT!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: heavyone
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:47pm
Tell your husband only if you want to end your marriage. This is YOUR burden to bear. Don't make it his also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: heavyone
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:23am
While I am not married I am getting married in 6 weeks but 6 weeks ago cheated on my DF with another man (posted on this board about it a few weeks ago). Every time I thought about this other guy I had butterflies, couldn't eat etc....now I was not in your situation in that the other guy does not know my DF and I don't know him well myself either but I can sympathise that it is hard to get rid of the butterflies.

I'm not in any position to offer advise as I am still trying to sort myself out but I was riddled with guilt, thoughts of the other guy etc and found that I was withdrawing from my relationship with my DF to the point he knew something was up. I eventually confessed the whole liaison with the other guy and while he initially freaked out he has now forgiven me and we are (please God) going ahead with our wedding in 6 weeks. I am now going to a relationship counselor to talk through why it happened and we are both making more of an effort with the relationship as we both realise we both fell into a rut and with all the stress of weddings etc had not made quality time for each other.

While I know my DF was utterly devestated by my confession he is gradually moving on (still has bad emotional days) and he actually said the other day he feels we have now grown closer together.

I am not saying that if you told your DH he would be as forgiving (I got lucky - could have lost everything) but since I have told my DF I have felt better. The other guy is away at the moment and has been for a couple of weeks so I have been able to try and put him out of my mind and therefore the butterflies have subsided. My only current worry is that he is going to contact me when he gets home and dig up all of what happened.

I know it is not so easy for you since you see the other man but you should try and avoid him. I got to the point that I knew if I didn't confess all to my DF that I would probably have had a breakdown of some sort so for me the confession was good. I would advise thinking about what benefit you think telling would do. Maybe speak to a counselor to get your feelings sorted....I was never at one before but it has done me the world of good....I'm on my way to my next session in 40 mins!!


Good luck....

Avatar for mistressskywalker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: heavyone
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:27am
Tell him. If he finds out any other way, it will make the situation 10 times worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: heavyone
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:24pm
Thank You so much for sharing. Just telling someone had seemed to help!! One part feels like I sould say nothing..The other part feels like it is lying. I feel like a dog chasing her tail. In such a small town I don't know who to trust. Good Luck to you on your marriage!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: heavyone
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:28pm
Thank you for your insight. You have put things in perspective for me. You see the thing is I avoid him as much as I can, but there are times when we are all at the same place at the same time. My biggest fear now is that H will pick up on the tension. For now I will keep quiet.

Thanks