I betrayed the man that I love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
I betrayed the man that I love.
1
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:38pm
I have never done this, but at this point I feel that I need some help. Im 22 and have been with my boyfriend for 1 yr and 8 mts (but whose counting). Anywho, he was overseas last year and I missed him very much. The problem is that as much as I knew I loved him when I met him I was trying to get over someone I was very infatuated with, well around this time last year I broke up with him b/c I was confused about him and about the other guy. A week later I told him I loved him and I missed him, I dont recall ever actually telling him we were back together, maybe I did. I met someone, the other man was attractive we talked it was nothing serious he knew I had a boyfriend and I loved him but he also knew I was having issues with my bf and mainly with myself, we were together but at that time I told my bf I had gone out with someone, he asked if we had sex and I lied and said no. I was afraid of losing him. My bf and I would speak on the phone every night, I guess he felt some diffrence in me, b/c he would ask me if anything was wrong, or why I wouldnt answer my phone and I would retalliate(sp?) arguing telling him he didnt trust me. I knew I was wrong. In some way though I didnt see it as wrong, I felt as if men could do it, why couldnt a woman? I never really realized how much painI would bring him and myself. I continued with this other guy for about 1 mt we only had sex 3 times, I know b/c it wasnt so great, if it wasnt so great why did I continue? I wish I knew. I felt the guilt but did nothing to stop it. My bf came back but b4 he came back he found all these emails from me to another guy in Iraq, I told him it was nothing, he was very upset and tried to brush it off, we moved in together when he got here. He kept finding stuff like notes on webpages from other guys, he got to the point that he wanted to leave, I told him I had changed, which I had I just never told him about the other guy. One day i told him something I figured he already knew, something I thought I had told him. Believe it or not, our relationship started off as friends and very honest about everything or so he thought. That day he asked if there was anything more I had to tell him b/c he didnt want anymore surprises out of me, so I decided to tell him. I felt that since I knew he was the man I wanted to marry and still I had to be open about everything and tell him, he had the right to know. I told him of course he kicked me out like a woman would do a man. He was furious, he couldnt believe I had lied to him the whole time and done such a thing. I told him I was confused and how it meant nothing b/c it didnt. We have been trying to get past this since Mar of this year. I dont know what to do anymore, he's cold and unaffectionate to me. Although in the beginning he said we would have to go to counceling if I wanted him to get over this, we never really did he spoke to this friend of mine who works mental health and has done family and coupes therapy, but thats the thing HE spoke to him WE never talked to him together. Recently he kicked me out again telling me he needs time for himself, I love him so I respected his wishes and left. He called me the next day to go hang out at the apt and watch movies, so I did, he was holding me and reaching out for my hand an for me every chance he got. Late that night I figured I would leave, which I did but I went back and ended up staying the night, of course we talked and he was asking me questions about how it happened and what did we do, you know in details. I dont know what to do anymore, I believe that we can get through this, I see him trying but what can I do? I dont want to go to the apt unannounced and upset him you know have him think that I dont want to give him his time,or not go or not call and have him think I dont care. I love him very much, I sit here and think of much of an idiot I was to let myself fallen like that. He knew I had never cheated on anyone b4 so he doesnt understand why I did it to him. I have told him it had nothing to do with me, I knew if I told him what I did he would not come to where I live and he would leave me. He tells me he used to think of me as his better half, he used to see me as the better person in the relationship and make him want to be a better person, unfortunately I am sure its not that way anymore. We were very open about everything b4. I honestly think the only reason I did it was b/c I wa afraid he was doing something, and I didnt want to look like a fool, I dont know how I brought this upon myslef, but I really want to work things out with him. How can I fix it? Im sorry this is so long, I hope there is some way you can help me. Please help me in trying to bring the light back into my realtionship.

Edited 7/19/2004 5:24 pm ET ET by cr8zinlove


Edited 7/19/2004 5:27 pm ET ET by cr8zinlove

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:24pm
ok, i wish I could just give you a magic potion and say now everything will be better imediately. Now most people who haven't experienced this would say "You are wrong and you shouldn't have done that, serves you right for cheating." Now, I am not gonna say that because I have and currently am in the same position. I did have a 6mth "online relationship" with someone who was amazing and my bf found out he was very very pissed. We have been together for 3 years this May and he found out about this in Feb. I immediately broke all ties with this other guy, we never even met in real life. And he was not, at all like some sex feen sico either, it felt nice to share, talk, and feel for someone who cared and was really there to listen... My bf has stopped being "ideal boyfriend" 2 years ago and doing the whole "cheating" thing was my way of coping with the emptiness that I felt when he wasn't emotionally there. Now, I know that I want to marry him also, but he is unsure about me... if I can betray him again. Same with you, I believe that this man loves you so much and the constant change in "he loves me, he loves me not" is his way of finding out what he wants. Let him know that you respect him and if he needs time then you will be there. Believe me, he needs to deal with this "alone" first before he deals with the impact that it had on the relationship. Thats why he keeps on going back and forth. I know it hurts but If you ever need to talk just email me, just know that we are in the same boat....

mattysbabylove@yahoo.com

always,

Janelle