What do I do.. banging head against wall

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
What do I do.. banging head against wall
9
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:06pm
(I am very angry as I write this so please bear with me..........)

I am so sick and tired of being refered to a 5 letter word that rhymes with witch! It seems that I can't even make a comment bout anything without the eyes rolling, the sighs, all the crap that goes along with it. I make dinner when we have food, I clean up after him because I can't handle the mess, (It would go undone forever if he had his way.) I don't go anywhere and spend money, I rarely go out with the girls, I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm jumping all over the place, I just have so many emotions running through me as I write this, I hope i am making sense.....

It's been so hot here for the past week and we aren't used to warm temps. Of course I am going to be grumpy, I don't sleep at night. Also, We have a marine fish tank that we have toleave the lights on at night because it's too hot during the ay to have them on but it shines into our bedroom. Who's really going to sleep when you have fluorecent lights shining in regardless of if your eyes are closed or not. Closing the door to the spare room wasn't an option either because there would heave ben no circulation. Also, he has this habit of having to sleep with fans on him while he sleeps. That's all fine and dandy, except I have short hair now and it blows just enough in my face that it tickels to an incredible amout. Besides, I hate having fans blowing on me. He just throws a fit if i turn them off.

I'm finding that i am spending more and more of my money on the basic bills while he can go out on shopping sprees. We don't have a joint account yet because we aren't married and I don't believe in it. e are having enough trouble paying the4 bills. This is what happene. (Payday was 4 days ago. - 2 weeks till next pay) I paid off the utilities and the cell phone, and other misc bills, including rent last month, and he paid his loans and his misc bills. He then comes home and tells me that he bought a $500 gas powered remote control car, but he still as money in the bank. I was choked he didn;t call. It was a private sale - final of course - and there was no way I could get his money back. Anyways, the next day, i called him and asked if he could pick up something from the cleaners and low and behold, he had no money. At the beginning of the weekend,I had over $300 in my acct. Now, I'm lucky if I have $100 to my name and we still have to get groceries. really fair don'tcha think?

We're cat sitting right now and this cat is an outside cat. He doesn't like to be inside at all. No, Matt insists on holding the door open because he's being a bone head. Not only caqn the cat slip out, he keeps letting in moths and flies..... I'm so agrivated!

He tells me he loves me and that i am the most important thing to him, but i feel really low on the totem ple lately and i wanna walk away but i can't.

I can't even finish this....... If anyone is confused, please email me or post a message... i don't even know what my own heasd is thinking anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:44pm
OK. Read your post again very slowly. Now read "biggest mistake in my life and what I learned from it" in your Profile. Did you really learn anything?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 5:26pm
I just want to make one thing very clear.... THIS IS NOT AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!! it has been brought to my attention that some people may feel this way about my post, but i was really angry this morning when i wrote the original. It was only recently that he started to have "bachelor" fever as my girfriend and I call it. He never once said anything to lower me, or my self esteem, and he has NEVER considered any means physical. He is the best thing that happened to me. He actually raised my self esteem; i wear girly things like dresses and skirts now because I am more confident.I just am finding myself frustrated with the "bachelor fever" and his lack of attention to details and consideration. Maybe there is no easy way to fix this if there is at all, but this is not an abusive relationship. I already experienced that and this is not it by any means... i wouldn't make that mistake twice....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 5:45pm
He is an alcoholic, he is unfair, he treats you poorly, he is not responsible, he actrs like a child. Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:46am
Well,I think you should pick a day and sit down w/ him w/ the bills and tell him this is how much money you need to pay the bills - let him know what it costs for elect,rent etc and tell him you want so much every week or every pay day. that includes groceries,sounds like alot of the issue is money related and the sooner you get that squared away then you can work on the other issues. I hope that helps. also I would let him know how you feel,a 500 dollar gas powered remote car??? sounds like he's a kid to me,thats a little extensive-but he should realize bills and food come first. Hope it all works out!!! Suzanne
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:39am
I think you sound like a very bright and wonderful woman but this man is hindering you from spreading your wings and being the peron you truely want to be...

Maybe it's time to take a break...see what else is out there...hang out with the girls...and pay your way...NOT HIS!!!

Good luck to you..and I understand how hard it is when you love someone to let go. There's a comfort and security there, even IF he's no longer the man you once fell in love with.

There are bigger and better fish in the sea and I bet you're a catch!

(saying this, I should take my own advice!! haha..always the way, isn't it?!?!)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:06am
Thank you for all the positive responses I got. I noticed one of the posts mentioned that my hubby was an alcoholic, and I would just like to point out that there was nothing about alcohol in my post and I am unsure of where this info came from but if there was any confusion, I apologize. We don't drink. (I have been sober for 2 weeks now so there can't be any alcohol the house!)

wiley79, you are so right. COmfort and change can be scary topic's to try and adapt to. We have been talking last night, and although things cannot be fixed over night, we are starting the process of talking and we are seeking pre marital councilling so that we cn learn to communicate better and understand the whole concept of marriage, honestly and truly. I thought I knew everything but I obviously don't. I hope i can continue to come and vent because it can be very frustrating at times when all your girls have moved away. (Yeah, that's another thing, my best friend from high school just moved across the country, and my other girl moved to Australia. I don't have alot of close women friends that i feel comfy with talking to abouit certain situations....)

Thanks, now I need a few prayers today as I have 2 funerals to attend and I Need the strength right now more than ever! It wasn't people that were "close" to me, one is a service for a 7 month stillborn, and the other is for my best friends grandpa.

thanks for always listening.

jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:12am
'there was nothing about alcohol in my post and I am unsure of where this info came from but if there was any confusion, I apologize. We don't drink.'

I was confused. I got this from your first post....


'DH will do something, that he knows bothers me, (like having beer after work with his coworkers... when u are fighting a border line alcohol issue, this is a big deal), I get mad and tell him that it's not right, then all i hear is "i'm sorry", "i'm sorry", I'm an ass, I'm so stupid, I'm failure. I sit there and tell him that he's not he just needs to think...etc. and then 2 days later (not even sometimes) he'll come home reeking of beer again. When I ask him about it, he tells me that it's not a big deal and I'm getting riled up over nothing. '

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:58am
Sorry, but when he calls you a b*#ch he is being verbally abusive. It astonishes me that women accept this type of vulgarity as "normal" male vocabulary. If my husband or boyfriend used that word to describe me, the relationship would be over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 9:45am
While reading your message, I realized it sounded a lot like the relationship I am in. I wrote a message the other day and was also told I was in an abusive relationship, however it is not. I would never subject myself like that. My boyfriend and I also live together, we have a joint account and bills are a big thing. I am still in school and only work part time while he is working full time. So he makes more than me. However we live bill to bill, but he finds that it is okay to go eat out all the time, while I am taking my lunch. It drives me crazy, b/c then he doesn't sleep at night b/c we might bounce a check or a bill will be late. I completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I think my boyfriend is so ignorant about things. We also fight over the dumbest things. We both do the name calling when we fight. You had said he calls you a wtch, when we fight I am a woman's part, but I usually am calling him something right back.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from. I love my boyfriend so much, however sometimes I can't help but think if things would be better if I wasn't with him. Take care and good luck.