will he come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
will he come back?
3
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 7:57pm
Almost 2 years ago, I started dating this guy. We hit it off immediately and everything was going absolutely wonderfully for quite a long while. I was a junior in college at the time, and he was not only my first love, but my first serious boyfriend. Though he'd been in several relationships, I was his first real love. He even told me I was the healthiest relationship he'd ever had, and his friends said they'd never seen him so happy with a girl as he was with me.

Out of the blue, he began acting very distant and quiet and when I finally confronted him about it, he started explaining why we should break up. Heartbroken as I was, I really didn't know how to act around him. But a week later, we were spending time together and going on "dates" without us really being "back together".

We had many talks about it, and I know I clearly communicated to him that I love him and would do whatever it would take to make us work. He would tell me how much he still loved me, but there was just something about us that he doesn't see lasting. I'm not sure why I couldn't just walk away from him. I guess I could see how much he missed us (though we didn't technally get back together) and thought if I could just be there and show him I wouldn't give up on him that would make him realize what he was missing. We were still very much in love and spent pretty much all our time together; and a good deal of that time we spent naked.

We stayed in that limbo stage off and on for 9 months. Over the summer, we were apart about 2 months due to vacations and such. When he came back into town, we almost seemed to pick up where we left off. We still loved spending time together and seemed to make excuses to do so, but we were both still very much aware how unhealthy our relationship had become and it made us both sad and disappointed. Over the next few months, I was sickened to find out he'd recently started dating someone. When we finally did speak about it, it was a conversation we had often. Though very hurt and confused, I still loved him and wanted to see him through it. Every time we got together- as "friends"- we would end up making out for 3 hours-- and he would be the one to innitiate it every time. He said I was the only girl he couldn't just walk away from.

His job caused him to move to a town about an hour away, which happened to be the same town his current girlfriend is from. I haven't seen him in over a month, though we've spoken on the phone. He tells me still how confused he is. How unhappy he is with her and how he misses spending time with me. And as much as I've tried to move on, I can't seem to get over him. But obviously he doesn't exactly want to get over me either because he finds excuses to talk with me and is so completely sincere about what he feels.

We've agreed to spend a day together this weekend, and I'm nervous and terrified and thrilled. He's a good man. He's got a good heart and good intentions. He's just very confused about how to best fix his life. I just need to know how to handle this weekend. Do we have the chance to get back together or am I only hurting myself? Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:29am
Well, as it seems to be, this on-going not together intimate relationship that is happening - do you think this weekend would be any different? It sounds like this whole thing is messing with your head as well - you both know this is unhealthy but you both continue. He initiates it - you accept it. If you love him, take this challenge - let him go - if it was meant to be he'll be back. Break it off. Tell him it's over. Period. No contact. Start getting busy with other things and check out other people. Like you said - whatever it takes. If he still loves you after the fog - he'll be back permanently. Right now his heart and mind are only 1/2 with you while he's thinking about someone else? Allowing yourselves to go back and forth like this only makes more confusion and heartbreak. It's more like infatuation - in love with the feeling more than the person? on his part or both? I don't see respect that you would see in a responsible relationship - in other words being able to restrain one self for the sake of another person needing time to sort themselves out. Free sex without committment. Even some of the nice guys won't say no to that. It doesn't give him the message that you still love him (yes I know that's what you want him to think and say in return) - it simply tells him he can "feel good" whenever he wants because you are available. Don't believe that being available every time you're together will prove your love to him. Not for a second.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:32am
I feel for you, I really do. My boyfriend and I broke up not too long ago. My approach to it was... I dont think I can talk to you anymore. I wanted to but I figured he needed some time to see what it was like without me. It was so hard, though. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was. That is an old saying but I believe it. My boyfriend came back and he actually told me that if I had kept talking to him he would've never truly missed me. You don't want to be somebody's booty call--you want to be his girlfriend. Try it...maybe you'll get some different results than you have. Best of Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:50pm
I'm in a similiar situation. The only difference is that I've been married to the man for 17years. Every book I've read state if you avoid contact with him it will give him the opportunity to miss you and want you back. But how long did it take for you boyfriend to come to his senses?