Everything is Wrong He cheats or not?
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Everything is Wrong He cheats or not?
| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:31pm |
A week before my wedding, my fiance cheated on me, kissed an ex and we cancelled the wedding...we had everything planned, I forgave him and married him three months after...but what happened is I really did not forgive him, I brought it up all the time..now he is really depressed with a lot of things at work and has been treating me like crap. We do not talk and he is demanding his space and does not want me in any part of his life (it seems and when he is mad he says)
He has even told me he regreats getting married.
I am really scared that he does, and since he cheated on me he has changed a lot, he was near perfect before that happened, and he was always against cheating and all for being truthful..and many times he says he let himself down when he did that to me.
Well anyway, the problem is that today I found some e-mails he had wrote me about a month ago, when things were starting to get breally bad, he was really asking me for help, and I ignored him completly. I can't believe I din't worry about him, when I should have, I guess in a way I always stayed mad and that changed me too.
Ok so now he talks with a co-worker all the time for advice, but I started suspecting something between them, so I started going through his pockets and checking his phone bill, he has been lying to me, and when I confront him he says that he is not doing anything wrong and gets all mad that I am checking up on him so much...he says that I have always stopped him from doing things and he has always worried about making me happy even if it mean him doing things he did not want, he swears nothing is going on between them, and that I should not doubt him.
Now besides all these problems, I am really truly worried about him, he is saying things that are really scaring me like "I just want to die" "I can't take this anymore" "I want to kill myself" I know him so well, and in a lot of the things he tells me, I know he means it..even the part about killing himself.
In the e-mails he wrote me he told me it wasn't me, that it was many problems and things going on, and to understand him, now I feel guilty for not being there, and for leaving him..I have been at my cousin's for a week now.
Whatever the case and even if I was not there for him, why does he have to talk to the women? I do not know what to think, I do not want to give in completly, because he disrespected me alot, but I also don't want him to think I am not there for him...what do I do? I still do not know if he cheated on me, or is, so if I go back and things stay as bad as they were, it's going to be harder to leave for a second time..he hasn't straight out told me to come back either, yesturday after many days he called and told me he loved me...but when I called him back he told me he tried to erase the message because he is not sure he can be with me anymore..It didn't hurt me when he said that as much as it should have, because he has been hurting me so much that I am scared to go back, I don't want a year from now to go through this again, but if he is depressed, as his wife I should help him, but how, if he won't be near me, or we can;t be close without fighting..
Evrything is so hard and confusing...Do I believe that he isn;t cheating, and give him support? Or do I not ignore all the signs of cheating and betrayal?
He has even told me he regreats getting married.
I am really scared that he does, and since he cheated on me he has changed a lot, he was near perfect before that happened, and he was always against cheating and all for being truthful..and many times he says he let himself down when he did that to me.
Well anyway, the problem is that today I found some e-mails he had wrote me about a month ago, when things were starting to get breally bad, he was really asking me for help, and I ignored him completly. I can't believe I din't worry about him, when I should have, I guess in a way I always stayed mad and that changed me too.
Ok so now he talks with a co-worker all the time for advice, but I started suspecting something between them, so I started going through his pockets and checking his phone bill, he has been lying to me, and when I confront him he says that he is not doing anything wrong and gets all mad that I am checking up on him so much...he says that I have always stopped him from doing things and he has always worried about making me happy even if it mean him doing things he did not want, he swears nothing is going on between them, and that I should not doubt him.
Now besides all these problems, I am really truly worried about him, he is saying things that are really scaring me like "I just want to die" "I can't take this anymore" "I want to kill myself" I know him so well, and in a lot of the things he tells me, I know he means it..even the part about killing himself.
In the e-mails he wrote me he told me it wasn't me, that it was many problems and things going on, and to understand him, now I feel guilty for not being there, and for leaving him..I have been at my cousin's for a week now.
Whatever the case and even if I was not there for him, why does he have to talk to the women? I do not know what to think, I do not want to give in completly, because he disrespected me alot, but I also don't want him to think I am not there for him...what do I do? I still do not know if he cheated on me, or is, so if I go back and things stay as bad as they were, it's going to be harder to leave for a second time..he hasn't straight out told me to come back either, yesturday after many days he called and told me he loved me...but when I called him back he told me he tried to erase the message because he is not sure he can be with me anymore..It didn't hurt me when he said that as much as it should have, because he has been hurting me so much that I am scared to go back, I don't want a year from now to go through this again, but if he is depressed, as his wife I should help him, but how, if he won't be near me, or we can;t be close without fighting..
Evrything is so hard and confusing...Do I believe that he isn;t cheating, and give him support? Or do I not ignore all the signs of cheating and betrayal?

If he will go, then bring up the feelings of betrayal, depression, and plan how to work through it and get the marriage back on track. He has betrayed you.... he's sharing himself emotionally and intimately with another woman - it's called an emotional affair. He's cheated you out of those heartfelt conversations, that intimate sharing and he needs to know how you feel about it and realize the damage it's done to the marriage.
Reading material to consider:
Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli
The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch
What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed, Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant
I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrence Real
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
Print this for him and have him read it, maybe he will 'get it.'
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
Regardless, yesturday when I called him..we spoke 5 min..well fought 5 min. I checked the bill..he had been talking to her for 83 min!!!!!!!! I havte feeling this way, I feel like I can't go on. I left my house almost two weeks now and I am missing him like crazy, but everytime I want to be there for him, he says he wants to be ALONE>.only problem is- he isn't he has her.
Carrie