I'm jealous of my husband...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
I'm jealous of my husband...
6
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:52pm
I'm jealous of my husband adn its causing me to not like him anymore, however, I feel the jealousy is his fault. I'm jealous of his life, thats right we are married but I'm jealous of his life. I am at the moment the one who makes the most money. It has been this way from the start, although I thought it was going to get better. I'm not sure where to start. We have been married for 3 yrs now but have been together for 5 1/2, Lived together for 5 years. I am an accountant and when I met him he delivered pizzas. I was still in school but also working full time at an accounting firm. When we first started living together, since I made so much more I paid pretty much all of our living expenses. I did this because he had child support and a much higher car payment (he had gotten the car long before we were together and had a terrible interest rate due to his terrible credit) than I had and this way we ended up wiht about the same amount of spending money. So that is where I have realized I went wrong from the beginning, but its too late now. We ended up buying a house (well I did, its all in my name) and then got pregnant, then married and then have later had another child together. Right before our son was born (our first child) he quit his pizza delivery job and did some odd jobs and then after our son was born got on with the railroad. So now our son is 3, daughter is 1 and his daughter is 8. I work every day 8-5 (but commute so I leave at 7 and get home around 6). I still pay all the bills (well I have to ask him every payday for money and have gotten to where I tell him how much I have to have etc, but he still ends up with about 200 every 2 weeks for spending money and I with nothing. Due to everything going up, daycare, dr bills, and just every day expenses our budget is really tight. He still is on the extra list at the railroad and has hardly been getting any time in. His last check he brought home $80 for two weeks. He is basically home about 5 days out ofo the week and does nothing. Occasionally he will load the dishwasher and turn it on and maybe pick up the living room but thats it. I am the one that makes sure the bills are paid and stresses about them. He pays the cable bill, thats all adn it is usually late ( the reason I have not let him take over the other bills, my credit is excellent and his is still horrible because he doesn't car about fixing it). He also is big time into sports and plays softball in the summer, basketball thoughout the winter and is into gaming (computer, D&D, etc). Well he has now started playing D&D (Dungeons & dragons) every 3 weeks at a friends house, plays softball at least one day a week, stays up all night palying computer and sleeps half the day. He never offers to keep the kids at home instead of me taking them to daycare (we have to pay no matter if htey go or not). So basically I do everything, pay the bills, shop( although he has been doing this some for me), laundry, clean, cook, make sure the kids have clothes, etc. I go to bingo one day a month (with a group of women that get together and take turns having it at their houses) . If he has a game and I have plans, he go plasy and I have to find a sitter. If I am home the kids are with me so sometimes its hard to get everything done or hard for me to find quiet time to myself. I am the only one that stressses if we are tight on money. If something breaks in the ohouse I am the one that fixes it or finds someone to. If hte cars break down I am the one that finds someone to fix them. Basically I guess you could say I am the only responsible one in my house. I am starting to resent that fact. I have tried to tell him how I fell also and it doens't help. I feel sometimes that he cares only about himself. The only time he seems to give me attention is when he wants sex. He comes to bed has sex then leaves and goes plays computer half the night. Foreplay rarely happens. He tells me he loves me but does nothing else to shwo it. I've just gotten to the point I'm jealous of him. He gets to go play his games, sleep half the day, doesn't worry about whether the bills will be paid or not etc. I'm stressed all the time, becuase of bills, trying to keep the house clean (well at least liveable). Sometimes I feel like such a nag also, becuase itst he only way to get things done. My MIL bought the kids a swingset in June, its still in the basement in pieces. He's hardly worked all summer, yet he has been unable to find the time to put together a swingset. Slowly I'm falling more and more out of love with him and I dont' know what to do. Sorry this is so long and I've probably rambled, Its just hard to explain it all. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, just that I don't know what to do. I want our marriage to last but then again I sometimes wonder if there isn't something better out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 5:21pm

Yes, you have gone SOOOO wrong here. This man has been taking advantage of you and your generosity. I can't see how you can pull things back now. Its almost too late. Unless you get very hardline, its not going to happen. And it may never happen - what then?

If I were you: I'd ask him to give me his paycheque. Then I would pay all the bills and give us each an allowance (I make way more than my DH, but we both have the exact same amount in spending money. Its not fair to ask one person to sacrifice and not the other). I would tell him exactly how much money he must earn in order to keep the household going. If he fails to earn that money, then he gives something up (babysitter during one of his sports games, spending money, whatever - its his choice). I would take up a hobbie of my own and insist that he look after the children one night per week.

If he resists, I would stop doing his laundry, I would not make his lunches. I would stop helping him out in EVERY way that I could. If he tried to complain, I would tell him that he is not pulling his weight around here and I need all my time & energy to keep with the children and the household. He's on his own.

If he refuses to change at all, then I would threaten to kick him out. You will find it much easier to have his wages garnisheed by the gov't for child support than have to deal with this. It would be one less child in the house.

Before I laid down all these rules, I would clearly state: I am tired. I have had enough. I cannot do this alone anymore and I need help.

I've never tried any of this stuff after the fact - but I have been in several r/ships and every man gave me his paycheque. They saw how great I was at managing money and I allowed them to have adequate spending money and the things they wanted...within reason. Most of my exes say its the one thing they really miss about me ;-) When my DH doesn't work a full week at work (he does pt work here and there as well), then I call on my lunch hour and ask what he is preparing for dinner. When he say, "I don't know - I wasn't planning anything." I tell him, "well, we can't afford to eat out when you aren't working so I'd suggest you pull the X out of the freezer. I'll be home at 6 and I'll be hungry." If dinner isn't prepared, I ask him what he did all day. (It almost always is...heck if I say I had a bad day - there might even be a warm bubble bath waiting) Then I proceed to tell him that I'm not working my butt off all week so he can be a lazy a@@.

Good luck!!!! You deserve so much better. I believe you aren't jealous of your husband, you are becoming resentful. And your feelings are COMPLETELY justified. This lazy child needs to grow up and take on some responsibility!

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:08am
Thanks for your reply. I agree I have done so much wrong. I was always justifying with one reason or another. I was so mad at him yesterday, and I think from where I had posted this and had gotten my feelings out I realized that it was time to do something about it. I got home and he had done nothing. My Stepdaughter said he didn't wake up til 2:30. I commented on that and he said it was because he didn't want to be up all night working with no sleep. (He is on call all the time and was 2 out and soon to be called). I told him it is everyday. He sleeps til 1 eveyrday pretty much adn then my stepdaughter is left watching cartoons all day adn is bored. So then I say something about him not doing anything all day. He says they practiced stepdaughters cheers, well they practiced the ones she knows but not the dance routines that she has to learn or she will be kicked off ht squad. Then I make a comment about the dishes and he says he was waiting on me to get home to go get dishwashing detergent. I tell him he is capable of going to get it before I get home and there was no reason to wait on me. Then a little bit later he suggests we all go to FAzolis to eat. This is the last straw. We barely have to moeny to pay our bills and he wants to go to Fazolis. I then start on him about the bills etc and ask him ifi he still had the money he was supposed to use to get tires for his car (the ones on it are bare) and he says no. I tell him that is what I thought and gripe him out about the fact hat he spends money that is supposed to be for bills and he needs to learn to put it aside and not touch it. He bought 3 movies last week and spent $30 on that then bought a charger sometime last month for his IPod which probably cost $20. Thats half of the tire money right there. I tell him if his work keeps up the way it is I don't know where the money is going to come from for him to buy new tires. He also tells me he was taking us to Fazolis to help me out. I tell him that it woiuld be nice and that I didn't really feel like cooking but he is capable of cookign and that would help me out more. He did take the kids and I think they ended up at McDonalds, but I didnt' go. He tried to get me to but I was too upset. I'm hoping that maybe I got through, but I doubt it, I have said it all before and gotten upset adn cried and griped etc. He would cut back for a little while and then go straight back to his old ways. . I'm going to wait and see and if not something is going to change. I can't keep doign this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:22am

'I feel the jealousy is his fault.'

But you dated and married someone that was in debt, not motivated, and expected him to change. You have to take responsibility here.

Ask him if he wants to stay in the marriage. If you want to stay also, then try marriage counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 2:27pm

Welcome to the board dreamtwin1,


I can understand why you are upset. Your husband is basically doing nothing to help support his family. He either needs to get a full time job and help pay the bills or be a stay and home dad and watch the kids so you don't have to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:04pm

"I'm going to wait and see and if not something is going to change."

Why would anything change? So you got upset with him, has that worked before? Insanity is...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You are going to have PUT YOUR FOOT down. Did you do that here? No. They went out to eat...with what money? Money he should be saving for other things. Doesn't look like he even got your message yesterday, let alone turn it into some life change. Think of him as one of your children. How do you change their habits? Consequences for their actions and PERSISTENCE. He has no consequences bc you pick up his slack. There is no persistence - you get mad, you tell him the situation and then you cool off. Everything goes back to "normal" until you get mad again. Thats obviously a livable consequence for him bc he has no problem letting it happen time and time again.

If you really want him to change, its going to take a GIGANTIC effort on your part. And even then, after years of being lazy and irresponsible - it will be very difficult for him.

Good luck!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 5:00pm
Thanks again for all the advice. I agree with everyone. It is partially my fault because I have let it happen for so long. I also know I married him knowing he was this way. However, on the wanting him to change, I guess I always thought he just hadn't completely grown up and he would take on more responsibilities as things progressed. I never really thought I was trying to change him, just trying to make him grow up and take on some responsibilities. He was spoiled by his dad and now I am the one dealing with the results. His mother even has said this. She said he could never do anything wrong according to his dad but his brother was a different story. His brother is a responsible adult and family man where as he is the opposite. I realize I am going to have to put my foot down and I will. Yes, he still went out to eat yesterday, but he did change the place he was going to eat to a cheaper place. Still he should not have gone. He did however call me asking me about some hamburger we had in the freezer and was planning on cooking (yay!! a rare occasion at my house).
As far as employment goes he has a good job, or at least a good job in the future. He is a conductor for the railroad and is on call all the time. He says things have been slow becuase they have so many on the extra board (which he is still on) and becuase they are working on the tunnels. I'm trying to take his word for it, and hope that its not from him marking off too much. He has a tendency to do this and not tell me or not tell me about certain things. I guess another major problem we have is communication. He does not talk to me half the time. If he finds out something that he thinks will upset me he just doesn't tell me about it. Trust is another issue. I have a hard time trusting him fully becuase (1) he doesnt' tell me things (2) I have caught him looking at profiles online, another long story and issue (3) I have caught him lying straight to my face about things before.
As I type this I see more and more that our relationship is really in the danger. I guess it has been from the beginning. I love him, but due to resentment and all of the above I am no longer sure I want to stay married to him kwim. He is a very nice guy, everyone loves him. He is friendly, never puts me down, never gripes aobut things not being done, never calls me names, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't cuss, etc. He is genuinely a nice guy, but also a very lazy one and selfish one in many ways. He can make me laugh and I am comfortable with him. I can be my self with him and I had never been that comfortable with anyone else. He is good with the kids and will care for them, however, he doesn't make an effort to do so if he doesn't have to. LIke him being off so much this summer and never offering to keep the kids home to spend more time with them.
It is just so hard to say I'm done. Also with kids involved I don't want my kids passed back and forth the way my stepduaghter has been. I hate for them to have that kind of life. I guess they are the main thing holding me back from taking a big step Ok I've rambled long enough. Thanks to everyone again for taking the time out to read and respond to my posts.