communication break down
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| Tue, 08-07-2007 - 5:41pm |
Hello,
When ever my live in boyfriend comes to me with an issue I always seem to get defensive. He says I don't really listen to what he is saying. When he tells me I am defensive I feel that I am sometimes depending on the day and time and what mood I am in. Sometimes he talks in a way that he is pointing the finger at me and I feel that it is my fault. He tells me sometimes that it isn't my fault and that he isn't blaming me and other times he does blame me and points the finger, so I guess I am confused when he does approach me and I am not sure what attitude he will have that day.
I want to find a solution to our problem because they aren't big problems they are little ones that are on going. Usually communication problems. Where I thought he heard what I said but he didn't type stuff.
I suggested that we make an appointment to discuss the issue even if it is small so that we can have a time that is right for both of us. Usually he picks a time that we are both need to get out the door or are going to be late for work and either I get frustraed or he does because i need to get going.
Anyway, make an appointment, we both get equal time to talk about what is bothering us. come up with a solutions on our own and then together, choose a solution and place it in effect. Can you suggest anything else.
He seems to feel that I am insecure from my past relationship and that is why I get defensive and mayeb that is somewhat true. Well I'm not sure how I can make the situation better?
Thanks so much
Tania

Welcome to the board
You say that you thought he heard what you said but he didn't "type" stuff.
Are you trying to have these discussions over e-mail, IM or text? If so, that could be a BIG part of the problem. Effective communication is best done in PERSON.
Thanks Blondie0506,
We never discuss issues over text or email. Sometimes we talk at the wrong time when we are in a rush to get out the door in the morning. We just have to choose a better time.
Thanks
I understand exactly where you are coming from. Having communication ground rules is a helpful and llogical start. Both of you can develop these rules or "guide". It can include what you have already mentioned ..
When and Where will you communicate.
Using when you _____ it makes me feel_____ statements instead of namecalling
Discuss one issue at a time, My partner said that I responded to the topic in general but did not respond to the specific issue. And when he initiated the conversation I interuppted and was more concern to defend my stance instead of just listening completely to his story. Just last week I started to address one issue at a time, told him to time me , I spoke for five uninteruppted minutes, he responded for 5 minutes and it worked out wonderfully. He said that he was not going to talk about his wants or how he feels about my behavior that this time it was going to be about me. and for doing that I have set aside some time so that its all about him. We both wanted to feel listened to and respected however we were not being that for each other.
Be clear what are your conversational /communication goal.
Do you need to be understood. How do you know you have been understood? How would that sound like? is it repeating what you said. You may need to give him an example.
Do you need him to adjust a certain behavior.
Language is very important. Use the word us, this is not working out for us...let's find a better time to talk..Remember if communication has been unpleasant he wants to avoid it..
Address a small issue, infuse humor, sound lite, yet serious, ask him questions, like What kind of difficulty you are experiencing ..what can I do to help you ...Do not inconvenience yourself..honor yuor time with yourself, family, friends, If you need to email him to confirm what you discussed or agreed do so ..just tell him for clarity purpose you want to be assured you understood your conversation..
there is a lot of useful effective communication information. Read it..but we live in a society where we sloppily address each other at home and at work. we have to practice and fail and practice again. I think I have even seen something like a communcation check list and you and your partner can rate each other.
By the way I have a question to pose on the board but I don't know how to do it?
Thanks!
What is your question?
I would make one minor edit to catalina's advice, that could make a slight difference.
She said "Using 'when you _____ it makes me feel_____' statements instead of namecalling"
Instead of saying "it makes me feel", I'd change that to "*I* feel". That way you're not saying anything MAKES you feel a certain way. You're taking ownership, saying "I" feel this way. It might not be right that I feel this way, but I feel this way.
For example, "When you don't call me when you're running late, I feel worried". You're not blaming him, you're not even blaming what he did. You're just saying that you worry when he doesn't call.
Best of luck. Hope everyone's suggestions help.
Welcome to the board catalina_68,
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