My Husband Mortified Me!!!!
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My Husband Mortified Me!!!!
| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 9:47am |
My husband & I have been married for a little over a year. We have a 9 mo. old son. Since the birth of my son, my weight has gone up a lot. Currently I am doing something about it so I feel a little confident. However, not confident enough to be as sexually involved as my husband would like me to be. Sex for us has been kind of scarce since I have gone back to work a couple of months ago. Not only do I never seem to find time to be intimate with my husband but I don't feel attractive enough. Needless to say, last night I awoke to my husband jerking off in the bed right next to me. I was mortified that he was not only doing this, but he was doing it right next to me. I think he was asleep while he was doing it and hopefully he was thinking about me. I know this act is natural but I still find it disgusting! If someone does it, I don't want to know about it. Even so, I am still disgusted. Only my best friend knows how utterly disgusted I am w/ masterbation not only that but I never thought that my husband was like that. Because i'm so disgusted I don't know if I should say anything to him about it. I can't even have him touching me because I feel sick when I think about it. Yuck! What should I do???????

Welcome to the board tashatasha2001,
Congrats on working on your weight loss and feeling better about yourself.
Hi there,
Well, let me first say I'm sorry, because you probably won't like what I have to say!
I feel very sorry for your husband. You refuse to have sex with him, but then you get mad when he pleasures himself! What else is he supposed to do! He is your husband, the one person in the world who shouldn't have to hide anything from you. Why shouldn't he be able to relieve himself in the comfort of his own bed? WHy should he have to hide in the bathroom or something? I bet if he did, you'd still be mad if you realized he wasn't in bed and found him in the bathroom doing it. And if he really was doing it in his sleep, you can't be disgusted if it was accidental.
I also don't think your husband should have to suffer with no sex just because you don't feel attractive enough....I bet HE thinks you're attractive, and I bet he wants to have sex with you regardless. What IS unattractive, is someone who thinks they are unnattractive! Even if you're not completely happy with your body, it's not fair to deprive him of having sex with his wife. Sex will still feel good and wonderful and closer to your dh and maybe make you feel more sexy? What if it takes months or even years to get your body how you want it? Will you both be happy living in a sex-starved marriage? I don't think that's healthy, nor do I think your attitute towards masterbation is healthy. Also, I think maybe if you masterbated yourself you would understand it more, and perhaps become more comfortable with your own body.
I think it would help you to read some books on sex, masterbation, and the importance of sex in a marriage...I can't think of specific ones right now but perhaps someone else can recommend some, or check out one of the sex boards here at IV. I think you have low self esteem and maybe there is a book you can read on that too, about being happy with yourself.
I don't mean to come across rude or harsh, if I did I sincerely apologize! I hope I helped somewhat.
Good luck with everything.
Do you find it disgusting when your husband farts or uses your bathroom to poop? If so, you need to seek counselling. If not, then realize what your husband was doing is a VERY normal bodily function. It could be that your hormone levels are off and so you are not driven to have sex. But all the jokes about men thinking about sex all the time have SOME basis in truth. And its a biological function! Men are DRIVEN to plant their seeds and created the next generation. If he were to refrain from masturbation and sex, it will leak out on its own. All those spermes he is creating need a place to go!
Think about holding back sex from him as holding back part of his nurishment. It feeds his self esteem, it feeds his sense of relaxation, it feeds his male confidence.
The fact that he wasn't digusted by your weight gain shows that he is good man. Try to remember that :)
Dee
I think you need to loosen up your perspective on self-gratification if you're going to have a healthy relationship with him. You're not entitled to get angry at him for something he did while unconscious; it may have grossed you out but it's not his fault.
I feel really sorry for this man you have some kind of marriage with. Not only do you refuse sex with him, but he's also not allowed to masturbate. I'm sorry to say this but you need to get over your qualms about masturbation, especially if you're too tired or too busy for sex all the time. Men and women don't work the same way sexually - for us women, we do not biologically NEED a release. Men do. Unless you think it's preferable to wake up in the morning with gooey sheets.
If you're not up to having intercourse, then broaden your sexual horizons with him. Offer to help him masturbate. Give him oral sex. You want to make this all about you and say that you've gained weight and you feel unattractive, but how do you think HE feels having a wife who thinks he is "disgusting" for doing anything for himself, and rarely feels like being intimate with him?
At some point you're going to need to put your own feelings aside and make him feel wanted, or you're going to be fighting a losing battle with yourself. You don't have to feel this way about masturbation or sex. You should make an effort to make him feel appreciated. Men care a lot about what their wives think of him sexually, and I can't imagine that your treatment of him in this regard has made him feel so great.
Sorry if I sound like I'm attacking you, I'm really not. I just have to point out that the best way to tackle any problem is to look within yourself and say "what can *I* do to change the way I feel?"
Wow you guys! I am literally brought to tears. You are right and I am so glad that you have opened my eyes. I did grow up thinking that sex & masterbating were bad and that touching myself is bad. I feel like a horrible wife and person right now that I look back at how disgusted I was. It is me that has the problem. My poor husband.... You guys have helped a lot! Please continue to send comments as you please about the issue because your input has broken me down to a place that I need to start from. I'm so selfish & I never saw the situation from the other side. You guys are 100% right. I can't thank you enough. Please keep sending me advice because I need it!
P.S. Should I talk to him about what I saw him doing?
I wholeheartedly agree with every word of Eggbertshootsfire in post #6. Don't beat yourself up over it, though. Just look forward to growing and improving your relationship.
>> P.S. Should I talk to him about what I saw him doing?
I'd say give it a try if you think that you can. Do you feel comfortable able talking about doing it together. If you aren't having intercourse very often, it can be a nice thing to do with him.
If you can talk to him from an open perspective about wanting to please him sexually go ahead and talk to him. If you want to talk about being uncomfortable with it I would consider that an invasion of his privacy and it wouldn't help the situation. Men masterbate - women masterbate.
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray has a very intimate approach to sex that is about creating a better connection and understanding of one another.
You are NOT a horrible person or wife - a horrible person would never admit to being wrong or wanting to change. I'm glad that you want to make things better with him and I'm positive you can do it. Don't feel too down about how you reacted; the important thing is that you understand why you reacted that way and realize what is going on.
Yes I think you should bring it up to your husband, it might be a tough topic to approach but you're in the right mindset to have a talk about it. Let him know what you saw, and tell him that you want to be more open to him sexually. Ask him if there's anything you can do, or have him tell you a fantasy of his that involves you (hope he doesn't say 3-some!) and then decide whether or not that makes you comfortable. If it's totally 100% out of your doing then say so gently, but if it's something you haven't tried before, maybe think about it. I think this conversation has a lot of potential to bring you closer together and I can't possibly imagine how he could be anything but thrilled.
Sometimes it takes thinking of someone else's needs to feel better about yourself, by the way - I am sure your husband thinks the world of you and you are beautiful to him, you just have to allow him to show you!