19 year old married with no sex life!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
19 year old married with no sex life!!
6
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:11am
I am currently in a 3 year relationship with my fiancee. I am 19 and he is 23, however a big issue in our relationship is our intimacy in bed. He doesn't know how to approach me for sex without making me feel like all he wants is sex regardless of who it is with. I realize that men think about sex a lot and i think about sex a lot too, but he doesnt communicate it to me very personally. I feel like he doesnt want to have sex with me, he wants to have sex. He loves me and wants to be with me...there is no doubt in my mind of that, and he trys really hard to plese me in bed, but truthfully, he hasnt given me an orgasm in almost a year and that was through oral pleasure. He also is sort of small down there, and I tend to avoid sex with him because I am always scared I wont orgasm and that it'll hurt his feelings. I dont know whether he cant make me orgasm, or I cant allow myself to orgasm. So lately iv been trying to relax and enjoy sex, but the most i can say about the sex is that it is "ok". i want to have pleasurable, mindblowing sex with the man i love, but it is so hard to be excited about sex that is not pleasuring to me. For years Iv focused on pleasuring him and did not even worry about myself. But we are getting to the point where sex starts a fight because there are so many issues surrounding our sex life.
Again, the intimacy thing... he'll watch porn with headphones on the computer and then come run to me. thats not personal to me, i wish he would have invited me to watch it with him, maybe then we could have some type of togetherness. i love him and plan on being with him for a long time, how can we get more intimacy into our sex life before it gets worse and destroys our relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:45am
I would just like to make a suggestion because I have been there. Go to the store and buy a bullet. It is a small vibrator and you can use it while having sex with him. I think once you can start having orgasims with him he will get excited knowing he can help make it happen.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:14am

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Have you told him this?

Are you married, or in a long-term relationship? The post itself wasn't clear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:35am

we are engaged to be married. I have a ring however we dont have a date. The plan is when I graduate college in 2 years to get married and buy a home together.

and yeah i did tell him i would rather watch it with him. and he said he was sorry and that it was stupid of him to sit there by himself, but he doesnt know how to get me involved without turning me off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:49am

Welcome to the board babywife_rtm,


In additon to the bullet, as most women are unable to have an orgasm through sexual intercourse alone, you might want to check out a few other boards here at iVillage:


Have Hotter Sex/Ask Laura Corn


Let's Talk about Sex


Let's Talk Toys


Also, consider a few of these books as emotional intimacy fuels sexual desire:


Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, John Gray
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw


Good luck to you.




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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 1:41pm

The other posters have given you some great advice.

From what you said - why can't he just say "hey hon, wanna watch some porn with me?"

If you're planning on getting married, saying something like that should not be uncomfortable or embarassing. I also think that you feeling like he's just using you for sex is more your issue than his. But yes, he could work on initiating sex more gently.

Does he kiss you first? Rub your back? Get YOU in the mood before pouncing? Suggest these things to him also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 2:07pm

My first instinct when I read this post was: he isn't bothering with proper foreplay.

My suggestion would be this - have a night where he just pleases you. You tell EXACTLY where/how/when for everything. Have him massage/kiss/touch all parts of your body. Don't put pressure on yourself or him by worrying about orgasms. Just focus on ENJOYING yourself and relaxing enough for him to pleasure you. Then after this experience...TALK about it with him. Tell how you got really excited here or there. Make sure he understands how much you appreciated it. I think he really has no clue.

Next, try masturbating together...this will help you get over the orgasms in front of him issue. Eventually you'll want to move this up to the point where each of you can the the "job" for each other easily. It takes TIME to do this. Every body is different. I thikn it took DH 45 mins to manually stimulate me to orgasms (I had to do alot of "coaching" - not so hard, yes there, etc). Now he can do it in 5 mins - tho he prefers to prolong it to watch me squirm ;-)

Another thing to realize is that it take alot of time to really get good at knowing someone else's body. If your fiance hasn't put in the time & effort, that is most likely your problem. My personl opinion is that if he is getting what he needs & wants (with internet porn supplements) then he hasn't been motivated to do this. I would ask him to refrain from using that just for now until you have moved past some of these issues. But you may feel thats drastic...and he may not understand fully the extent of the problem. And I DO think its a serious problem if you are not enjoying sex and feeling physically connected to him.

Good luck whatever you decide,
Dee