Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Is it me?
15
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:43pm

I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

My dh and I have been married 23 years. For most of it was as close to perfect as any marriage can get. For a few years now this marriage has no resemblance to what we had. I have been trying to pinpoint where it went off track and I'm not sure. I know there has always been a couple of points that bothered me about him. The biggest, and I know it sounds petty, is that he could never make a special occasion feel special. He always bought me a gift (often the day of which I tried not to let it bother me), but as far as making any plans, I often didn't know at 3 pm of that day whether I was to go home after work and make supper. His usual practice was to call me on his 3:15 break and tell me he thought we should go out for supper. Have you ever tried to find a restaurant on Valentine's day that could fit you in with no reservations?

Frankly, I found it embarrassing when people asked me what we were doing for my birthday, valentines or anni and I had to respond with an I don't know. So I told dh to skip valentine's, saying I thought it was too commercialized - gave me a good excuse when I heard all the romantic stories other women had the next day. I then took dh off the hook for my birthday. The one thing I didn't want to let go of was our anniversary - our marriage was the accomplishment in my life I was most proud of.

I tried to plan vacations around our anni so there was no pressure on dh. I worked it all out. But once in a while I needed him to show me that he appreciated having me for a wife. I tapered back on the plans, expecting him to step up. He didn't. I realized it was unfair for me to expect him to read my mind so the next few years I told him it was his turn - that meant I got the 3:15 dinner invite. Not good enough in my mind. Then I morphed myself into what I thought was his dream wife. Beefed up our sex life, turned into his biggest cheerleader, the best housekeeper, anything I could think of. Surely this would be the year where he would be thrilled to give me that one special day I had been fighting so hard for. Didn't happen. I became bitter, I know I did. That bitterness has spread beyond the anniversaries now.

We went through a stage where all we seeemed to be able to do was fight and argue. It was pretty ugly and we both knew it. We have gotten past that, we don't fight now, but it feels like we are cautiously circling each other. We are polite friends trying hard not to push each other's buttons.

Now we are in a cycle. We do the cautious thing for a while. I see dh looking content - like he thinks it's "all good", I feel empty and alone. I try to talk to him about how I feel like he seems content while I feel empty and need more. This usually gets him defensive and we start to fight. I end up mad at him and mad at myself for not keeping my mouth shut. Two days later he decides he should talk to me, by then I've stewed for 2 days. He makes promise after promise that is full of buzz phrases like "I'm going to start communicating more, I'm going to work on fixing it" I ask what is "it" and what is he communicating more of? I know as long has he can't pinpoint what "it" is how is anything going to change? My theory is that you need to actually know what you are going to change if any change is going to take place. He can't get past this.

Am I asking too much? How do make myself content with what I've got? Really, my marriage isn't that bad, there's no violence, he's basically a nice guy, we've built a good life together. Do I just need to accept that the magic of the first 15 or so years is gone and I just need to be content with alright?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: sugarshy222
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 8:09pm

Are you asking too much to want him to plan vacations or dinners? Yes, you are. Let's face it, if he's never done it till now, he's not going to change. He is who he is, and the sooner you accept this, the happier you will be.

I also have a husband who doesn't plan events - but this does not mean that he doesn't appreciate me. It simply means that he's not into planning events. If I want to do somewhere for my birthday, I book it and he will happily come with me. No big deal.

How do you make yourself content with what you've got? Instead of criticising and finding fault with what he doesn't do, you learn to appreciate the things he does do. For example, while my husband doesn't plan dinners out - he is the most amazing husband and father in other ways. As I write, he's playing a Disney Princess game with our daughter :-) And I've recently been laid up with flu and he took on the running of the household while I stayed in bed. And while the guys at his work often go out drinking after hours, he comes home to be with his family. Now I tell you, this shows his love for us far more than arranging a dinner out does.

Besides that, not all restaurants have to be booked ahead. A 3:15 dinner invite is more than adequate in all but the most swanky places. Some of my fondest memories in the years pre-children involve us figuring out what to do for dinner on a Friday night after work. We'd have a couple of drinks with friends and then catch the first bus which was going in kinda the right direction. Dinner out was fun because we had absolutely no plans and it was like a lucky dip to where we'd eat that night. Perhaps you could learn to enjoy being spontaneous and love the fun of not knowing what the night will bring?

At the end of the day, any romantic idiot can organise a dinner out. It really doesn't mean anything except that the person likes to plan ahead. Love all the wonderful things that he DOES do for you and accept that he's simply not a planner.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 3:01pm

Welcome to the board sugarshy222,


You've already gotten good advice from iv_aisha and I may echo some of her advice, but here goes.... my sister has been married 28 years. On their 27th wedding anniversary was the first and only time my brother-in-law planned a 'surprise' for their anniversary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:00pm

sorry, but seems to me that you are looking to him as your source of 'feeling special' and then making him wrong because you don't feel special or feel that he is making an event special, etc.

You are an adult and can take charge. You can plan out holidays and vacations and make them happen. i realize there are things he can do to help, but maybe that isn't him. But if you plan a nice dinner and/or make reservations ahead of time for where you want to go so a day feels special - do that. Then tell him what you've planned and how and why it is important to you to do. Unless there is some real conflict he will join you in your plans. If he doesn't or better said, if he won't go with you then you know you are with someone that doesn't love and care about you. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:44pm

I knew when I wrote this I was going to come off as whiny and unappreciative. In an effort to keep the post as short as I could I didn't mention that HE insists that it is his turn to plan something. He makes it so I can't plan anything and then does nothing. He brings up my birthday 2 weeks ahead and when I say we don't need to do anything special he insists that that it is my special day and I deserve something. He likes to set me up to expect something and then becomes full of excuses why it didn't happen.

This week there were a few things happen, we ended up in a bookstore and I picked up a book about living with a passive/aggressive man. A dear friend of mine a few years ago thought that my dh was passive/aggressive and I dismissed it. Well this book described our lives pretty much to a T. He is the ultimate Mr Nice guy to the outside world. But in our life he is usually late, makes promises he doesn't keep, procrastinates on just about everything and never accepts blame for any of it to name a few traits. As I read this I was amazed that this book was describing my life so perfectly. It also talked about how I was feeling, inadequate, undeserving, and so confused.

My dh found me with the book and appears to agree that this could be our answer. (But the P/A will agree one day and then argue it the next so who knows?) He has asked me to find him some material on what he can do to deal with this. I'm looking now. I didn't buy the book that night because I was afraid it would be something to get my hopes built upon only to get crushed again. I have decided to go back and get it - I can't change him if he's not willing to change, but the book was about how to live with a P/A man.

Even the sermon in Church was about the importance of changing behavior that you know is going to hurt someone. My poor dh's getting hit from all sides.

I am hopeful this is our answer. I've been hopeful before and been crushed before.

I do try to see the good in him - every day. It's just so hard to understand how someone that says they love you can forget we had a date planned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:36am

Sugarshy222,


Dealing with anyone that is P/A is very, very difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:56am

everything here is about him.

i was trying to get you to look at your own behavior. afterall, that is all you can really change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:55pm

Oh I know all I can change is me. Believe me I have gone through a huge number of changes. I have learned to deal with his chronic lateness, I have learned that if he has promised me or someone else that he will do something he needs 3 reminders. I have learned that I can only really count on me. Even my children have learned that Dad always must have a phone call reminding him that he needs to leave work on time in order to get them to practice, lessons etc.

I have read and tried to put into practice many techniques I've learned through self-help books and tried to talk myself out of feeling a little cheated when the writer promises that if you change, your partner will follow. My dh has even admitted that he has seen changes in me and told me I made it look so easy so there should be no reason why I couldn't do a little more.

Here's an example, a couple of years ago I got the Dr. Phil relationship rescue because my dh requested it and thought it could help us. I got through the whole book and came up with some things I needed to do to help myself first, I needed to work through my issues and not focus on what he needs to fix. My dh got less than 1/4 of the way through and came to me with a list of what I needed to fix in order to make him a better partner. I reread the same book, and Dr. Phil clearly says, you cannot fix your partner, make changes within yourself and your partner will follow suit. My dh is a #1 fan of self help info - only the only thing he seems to get out of it is how others could benefit from following the suggestions. I have never heard him proclaim that he has had a self-awakening moment.

I know I am far from perfect, I am constantly trying to sort out what is wrong with me. I'm just so tired of feeling like no matter what I do, I will always fall short of what he thinks I should or could do. I am not inadequate. I have poured my heart into finding that place where I feel like he's pleased with me as a wife. I don't think I fall short as often as he makes me feel.

I know I have things to work on. Forgiveness is #1. But at what point to I say I deserve to be appreciated for what I do without making me feel like I should have done a little more? My self confidence has taken a good hit and I'm struggling to stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: sugarshy222
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 3:05pm

Dealing with Passive Agressive behavior is hard. I know from dealing with it and from doing it. I'm still working on all those issues myself, so I can't give much advice on that except to try counseling.

On the planning and appreciation thing, here's my two cents:

There was a time when my birthday would come around and I would cry because 1. No one would call or 2. People didn't take the time to know what I wanted and I was never happy with how my birthday was celebrated. Well, one year as my birthday approached I started to get sad in advance. My best friend and boyfriend at the time said to me, "If you want people to know when your birthday is and what you want, then tell them." I was always brought up to think this was rude, but hey, I'd give it a shot. Well that year my B-day went off without a hitch. Everyone remembered and I got exactly what I wanted. Now every year (it's kind of an inside joke amongst my friends, and they all do it too), about a month or so in advance, I start saying things like "Hey, my birthday is coming up! Yup. November 6. That's my birthday. I'm gonna be >cough< years old. Cause it's my birthday... on Nov 6."

And with my husband, we always tell each other exactly what we want for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, etc. We might let the other feel like they planned it (like allow them to call the restaurant we specified for the exact time and place we specified or look for the specific book), but we always check on it to make sure it was done right. The way we see it is all the money comes out of the same account. If I buy him a present, he's effectively buying himself a present and visa versa. Sometimes we'll randomly buy ourselves something nice turn to the other and say "Thank you for buying me this xxx for my birthday." My husband just did that when we purchased a Nintendo Wii 2 weeks ago... his birthday is not for another month. Now all he needs is a kiss and a "Happy Birthday" when the day comes around. I planned the last Mother's Day and did everything. He drove. For Father's Day, we went to an amusement park... the weekend before (his choice). He got a kiss and a "Happy Father's Day" on the day itself.

My husband is extremely passive agressive and I don't always know where I stand with him. I remember being driven to tears because I thought he no longer loved me or was attracted to me. After I vomitted up all those feelings to him, he gave me this shocked look and said, "But I do the dishes almost EVERY night!" My husband HATES doing the dishes. But he does them because he know I hate doing them too and he does it to show me he loves me. Now the joke is, "there is no one else I would ever do the dishes for!" Sometimes men have an odd way of showing love and appreciation. Now whenever he does the dishes it makes me smile because I know he's saying he loves me.

I know those little things don't always help when you guys are in the midst of a PA battle (I mean, just read my angst ridden post), but I hope it helps a little.

Jacqueline

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
In reply to: sugarshy222
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:37am

Thanks for taking the time. You are the first person that has acknowledged that I may have a little right to be frustrated with his passive aggressive behavior. I have decided that part of the manipulative work that he does is to make it so that it is me that looks unreasonable.

We spoke to some close friends this past weekend about the fights we are having. Just like this original post came off as me being whiny, every frustration I explained came out that way as well. I was talking about how my dh makes promises he does not keep, giving examples and she asked me why I did not just do the tasks myself. She gave a speech about how she was a single parent for years (she left an alcoholic) and had to learn to take care of herself and she can't understand women being so dependent on their husbands.

I was ashamed for talking about it - once again he comes off as Mr. Wonderful and come off as being impossible to please. The past couple of days I have been thinking about her comment and it frustrates me. My dh and I are in a partnership, we have mutual tasks that need to be done. I do well over my share of what needs to be done simply because I know I have to. What I ask him to do I usually have to remind, check on and double check on. Even after all the reminders and checking, it still often will not get done.

For example: When we go to our cottage I plan and pack for meals and supplies, and get the kids organized. His job is usually to make sure the truck is ready and to pack his own things. There has not been a trip yet this year that he has forgotten to get gas or pack something important like his swimsuit or fishing tackle. So yes, I could have gotten the gas, packed his suitcase and I should have thought of his tackle box (which btw, he did blame on me). But really....do I need to? My friend told me how independent she had to become being a single parent, but do I not have an extra adult child in my dh? Is it my role in our marriage to do everything important because he is incapable of being responsible for anything?

This morning I'm feeling like single parenthood would be easier.

My point is, if he tells me he's going to do something, anything whether it be a big thing or a little thing, like do his share of prep to go to our cottage, make that phone call for me, or treat our anni like it's something worth celebrating, why am I so wrong to expect it? Shouldn't his promise take it off my task list?

My friend left her dh because he drank. Her life was unstable, she couldn't count on him. He couldn't be trusted to not drink, he wasn't able to contribute to the household tasks when he drank, he made her life unstable and hard to manage. Everyone understands her plight. And I know it's not that he doesn't do anything for me. It's that I can't depend on him doing what he says. I feel like my life is unstable and hard to manage when I have to come up with a new plan because his inaction ruined the first plans.

I'm sure this came out as another whine and there are those of you thinking that poor man, sounds like she can't be pleased. I don't want to be pleased, I just want to stop feeling lied to and let down.

Now I'm off to get gas in the truck, find dh's swimsuit, and his fishing supplies because we are heading to the cottage and tonight I'm getting the meals and the bedding ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: sugarshy222
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:40pm

Fortunately, my DH is not passive-aggressive (although he does have some amazingly strange quirks), but I can certainly understand why you're frustrated and upset. By the time I got done reading your posts my stomach was in a knot, and it's not even my trip to the cottage!

Your husband IS like another child--like a young teenager, who doesn't want to do the things that need to be done but also doesn't want to accept the consequences of not having done them. I hope some experienced people will come along who can make some helpful suggestions, because I have no idea how to make him tote his share of the load if he's not willing.

Pages