Dating after Death of Spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Dating after Death of Spouse
6
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:29am
When I met this guy whom I started dating things seemed to be moving quickly and it seemed like we jumped into a relationship where within that month I met most of his family. Which to me was surprising. I knew right away he was a widower, but he told me it happened a long time ago, so I left it alone. Figured, he didn't want to talk about and I wasn't going to pry into his personal life. We had lots of fun and enjoyed each others company, and so he claimed. I found out just recently that he lost his wife just a couple months ago, and I freaked! How can he start dating so soon and introduce me to his family, etc. I thought that's impossible to do considering he still is grieving, how can he start to care for another???? I decided to end the relationship being sure that I was just a rebound for him, or just someone who helps him stay busy so he doesn't think too much about his grief, but either way, I knew this relationship would end. I thought about later and decided maybe I was to rash??? Can anyone tell me how soon is too soon?? I regret ending this as I really enjoyed his company, and wanted it to continue, but I got scared....I decided to call and try to fix things but now he won't call me back....Any advice?? Opinions???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:24am

Some people are ready sooner than others to start dating, a couple of months isn't unheard of. Especially if the death of his spouse was imminent for a long time due to illness, he probably spent a lot of the last of her life in the grieving process already. Also, dating after the death of a spouse does not indicate readiness for another serious marriage-bound relationship.

I'm sorry but if he isn't calling you back there isn't much else you can do. If he was actively grieving her death in your presence and his inability to get over her was causing problems for you two then I'd say breaking up with him was justified, but you don't indicate that in your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 5:03pm

I think before you made the decision to end the relationship you should have asked him about all of what made you feel insecure about his recently being widowered. He deserved that much.

Thom

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:10pm

You've been given good advice so far...and I agree with what's been written.

I would like to add some other thoughts into the mix. You've made two assumptions here which I'd like to address.

Firstly, you place significance in meeting his family....huge assumption! Meeting a boyfriend's family means nothing. I'm close to my family and they've met just about everyone I've ever dated. Likewise, my husband's family have met everyone he's dated. Meeting my folks does not mean that I have any particular intentions for a serious relationship.

Second, you assume that he's still grieving. How do you know that he loved or even misses his wife? I have a friend who's husband died...but it was a bad marriage and his death signalled a new beginning for her. She stayed with him and nursed him, but she was secretly glad when it was all over.

All that being said, if he won't call you back, then it would appear that you've scared him off.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:19pm
His wife died in a car accident. I felt that the last few days he was distant from me but when we talked or where together it seemed like everything was ok. I really wouldn't have put much thought into it if it wasn't for one of his distant family members asking me "how is he doing, is he acting ok, is he acting normal??? Is he working now? and then he stated "he has a lot of problems" and I felt uncomfortable continuing this discussion so I changed the subject, I didn't even at first know what all this is about. So maybe putting together comments made and seeing that he was kind of distant not like he was throughout, made me realize that it has to do with his wife's death, so I panicked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:23pm
He didn't want to talk about about it. When he told me on our second date he's widowed, I expressed my condolences and he said it's ok and that it was "long time ago". So when I found out it was only 2.5 months, I got scared and panicked. And when I called him to talk about it, he started yelling and was very angry at me that I brought the subject up and became defensive at which point I told him that it seems like he's not ready for a new relationship as he cannot even talk about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 10:29pm
The reason I think he's still grieving is first- he always changed the subject when I tried to have a conversation that might lead to him talking about his personal life, for example,we we're talking about our longest relationships and he stated my wife- 7 years and then changed the subject. Second when I found out, about it, and saw her obituary he wrote her a love letter during the days he was distancing himself from me. He's desperate to sell the house they lived in. Never sleeps there. Buys anything "boy toy" he can to keep himself busy- I think just like sometimes people who aren't fulfilled in their life, go on a shopping spree because for a while material things make them happy but really are all in denial.