Confusion and stress: What should I do?
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| Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:00pm |
I'm 18 and my fiance is almost 23. We'd been dating for a year and a half, but it was all online. We met through a game, were friends, then developed crushes, and then started to 'date.' We spent as much time as we could together, talked online, on the phone, and through programs like yahoo voice chat, etc as we got to know each other. We exchanged pictures so we knew what the other looked like too. I love him, or at least I thought I did. We got engaged in July when we met in person for the first time, he popped the question when we were alone in the car (trapped if you will...) and I said yes, for the rest of our time together, I felt like I was in a dream and I'd wake up and none of this will have happened. Of course, I was sadly mistaken. While he was with me in person, I found myself getting constantly annoyed with him and I was rather disappointed too. He was really clingy and kept trying to do everything for me, which bugs me to no end because I'm very independent and have a do it myself attitude. I would try and get him to let go or tell him I didn't like him being so clingy, he didn't listen. So now, we're back apart, but not for long. I'm moving into my dorm in a few days and he lives an hour from my college (hes military so he lives on base). I was feeling really stressed before and I thought it was just because I was moving out soon and then he'd wanted to elope in Dec. and I just wasn't ready, so I told him I'd like to make the engagement a little longer and he got upset. He then proceeded to try and guilt trip me, telling me he had a terrible day, etc etc. Now he says he REALLY wants to get married by June/July because he needs to reenlist and he wants to be married to me by then so he can take me with him wherever he goes next. He's also always asking me if I think I'll like college or if I'm going to drop out, I haven't even gone yet! He really wants children, so he bugs me a lot asking about them, if I want to in college, etc, but I'd be the one to care for them since he works all day (and sometimes all night) and I would have to drop out. I keep telling him to wait, I haven't gone, etc, but it doesn't stop.
He's a very sensitive person too, taking everything way to seriously and getting upset...a lot. He's very moody and somewhat of a drama queen, which I can't stand. Hearing his voice in person, I didn't like it at all, it was too high and hurt my ears. He's a cute, fit guy (physically), but I wasn't at all attracted to him. His personality is somewhat similar to my brother's, so it makes me wonder if I fell in love with him before because he was something I recognized.
Its like every time I talked to him, he always has had a bad day or something has gone wrong and its really annoying, he never looks on the bright side.
Before I met him, some of these things I already knew and they already bothered me, but now that I've met him and spent time with him, its REALLY been annoying me.
Am I just be jittery about moving out and getting married, so I'm nit-picking at him?
On top of all this, there was another girl I liked all through high and we were good friends (not best, but good) and I still do like her now. In June, she told me she liked me too and had wanted to spend her life with me, but she understood I was with someone else and she would move on. I, of course, was crushed after that since I'd always thought she wouldn't want to her me tell her I liked her, so I never did. Now she has a new boyfriend (whom I'm extremely jealous of) and I still like her.
I know for a fact my fiance does love me and its always been a great deal more than I do him. I think he is worried he'll lose me, so he's very clingy and its making me feel suffocated. Anytime I try to express my feelings to him, or explain my thinking, he gets upset and doesn't like it. I also think his pressure for children is due to him thinking that if we have children, he'll always have me. I know there was a point where I did love him, but now I'm just not sure at all.
So, here's a summary of all my questions.
Am I still in love with him?
Am I just being jittery and stressed about school and moving out?
Should I tell them girl about my feelings for her?
Since he's so sensitive, if I tell him my feelings/opinions on him, should I line up sort of help for him? (like counseling)
If I decide to end it with him, do I give him the ring back?
Should I just give this all a little more time and wait till I'm settled in college?
Thank you for any advice or help you can offer,
Kailyn


"Am I still in love with him?"
You probably never were.
"Am I just being jittery and stressed about school and moving out?"
No, your concerns are valid.
"Should I tell them girl about my feelings for her?"
Not in your current situation, unless you really want to complicate things.
"Since he's so sensitive, if I tell him my feelings/opinions on him, should I line up sort of help for him? (like counseling)"
No, a person can only change himself. A person's sensitivity is his own problem, or not. If it's bothering you then you should tell him but not with the purpose of trying to fix him.
"If I decide to end it with him, do I give him the ring back?"
Yes, you should.
"Should I just give this all a little more time and wait till I'm settled in college?"
DO NOT GET MARRIED. You are only 18, you met this man on the internet and he proposed the first day you even saw one another. His behavior is VERY scary and the red flags are really flying here. You aren't even attracted to him. Face it, you didn't really know this guy until you met him and you don't like the person you met. An intelligent person would end this "relationship" right now and not get engaged to a person she just met. To marry him would be to make a horrible mistake. You don't sound like you know what you want out of life yet, whether you want to be with a man or a woman, and I'm not even sure why you accepted this guy's ring. You realize that a marriage means spending every day for the rest of your life listening to his high-pitched voice that annoys you while he talks and cries about sensitive negative drama, right? The reason he asked you to marry him is because he's insecure and hypersensitive. He wants to know someone will be with him no matter how much of an annoyance he is. Don't make that mistake.
Welcome to the board tictacash,
::I'm 18 and my fiance is almost 23. We'd been dating for a year and a half, but it was all online.