in crisis and badly need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
in crisis and badly need advice
4
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 1:22am

I could really use some advice. Long story short.......My H of 19 years just told me that he cheated on me with a girl I thought was just a good friend. When I say cheat he told me that they have only kissed each other but are in love. He said he's very confused right now (and has been for months now) about who he wants to be with. He says he loves both of us and doesn't want to hurt anyone (even though he already has). My belief is that he's going through a bad mid-life crisis. This girl is 24 and he is 45. We've always had a strong relationship but lately had been having some problems. He says she makes him feel good about himself and is outgoing like him. I have trouble with depression of which he has never been supportive of me when I was having rough times. He said he doesn't know if he can live the rest of his life around someone so down. I guess it took him 19 years
to figure this all out. He said he feels lost and has to get himself worked out before he can "decide". We also have two kids (10 and 15).

My question is this....I thought about asking him to leave while he "decided". The reason being is because I know he has no intentions of stopping his affair with this girl. She knows that I am aware of what's going on and still calls his cell all the time. I'm very hurt and I don't want to have this keep on right in front of me. My H is going to go talk to a counselor on his own. I told him that I would do whatever to try and fix our relationship. Also, if I asked him to go there would be many negatives. First, all of our families would know something was wrong because he has nowhere else to go. We don't want family involved. I know my mom, for one, would lose it because she's already suspicious about this girl. Second, we live in a very small, gossipy town. We don't want the entire town knowing our business and third....that would really leave the door open for this affair to continue. Also, if he left our kids would be really hurt too.

I'm so hurt and angry. Do I "out" him to the whole world and our families or do I continue to keep everything to myself in order to save others the hurt? We've both have
been very open with our feelings and I know he's in a bad place right now. He said he
feels lost and confused. I'm trying to get him to see that he has so much more to lose
if he goes with her. We have a nice home, two beautiful kids and 19 years of a marriage.
I know he knows this but he's still confused. This girl is 24 and has two kids to two different men. The first one she didn't marry but she did the second. She's divorcing him now after about three years. Her dad abused her and she ended up together with men that did the same thing. Both guys are losers and she has struggled as a single mom. Both men were much older than her too. She likes older men and I know she's looking for a solid man
to take care of her. My husband was bailing her out with all her problems. He's given her money and loaned her his truck when her car broke. She wrecked his truck. She's just a trainwreck with a ton of baggage. She told H she doesn't want to be a home-wrecker and he shouldn't leave me for her but that he should leave because he wants to. I know he's told
her every personal detail about me and our realtionship. She's waiting on him to leave me. Do I fight for what's mine and confront her? I'm at a total loss here. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me get this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 2:12am

Welcome to the board xxsadnhurtxx,


He's riding the fence because he can....and because he knows you don't want the family to know what's going on or the community you live in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 3:36am
Feel free to pop over to the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board, as well. You can link through via my siggie.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:15pm

sorry, but it is bad enough that you know what is going on, but also keeping his dirty little secret for him is horrible too.

no, you should not have to put up with it right in front of your face. if you know, i bet your kids know something isn't right. better said, they will learn that it is okay to have a young friend on the side (ps dont confront or blame her - the anger belongs directed and the husband who has failed you).

i'm so sorry for your pain and what you are having to face, but if i were you i'd talk to a lawyer now and keep playing like you don't know what you need to do. please, take the time to talk with the professionals that are out there that deal with this; counselors to deal with the emotional damage and lawyer to protect what you can. when you've got it all in line, change the locks on the doors. This will help you feel empowered and in control of your life again. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:47pm

I'm sorry to hear you going through this sad-n-hurt,

Your "husband" is an a-hole. Boot him out now. I'm a man and this guy pisses me off. So he's 45 and life just didn't go as expected. Well boo-friggity-hoo. So now he violates and breaks his promises to hook up with an easily manipulated flake of a (girl) young woman. This guy needs to have his butt kicked, not be lovingly tempted into counceling!

I would not "out" him to family and friends. However, if any one asks, I would give a straight forward answer.

I'd also seriously think about restricting his access to your finances (savings, banking, checking, 401K, IRAs et al). And I'd also line up a trip to a divorce lawyer.

What he has done is completely unacceptable, and does not warrant the least bit of compassions or concern.

As for your depression -- well I've had my bouts with depression too. I think a lot of people have problems with depression. Very few of us have the courage to admit it and actually do something about it.