Counseling or Let Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Counseling or Let Go?
4
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:05am

My bf and I broke up nearly 3 months ago for the 2nd time. We have been together about 3 years and even though we broke up we have kept in touch. A couple of months ago he told me if I ever wanted to talk about us he was more than willing to listen. I feel that he has serious issues with women and I told him (via email) that the only way I would be willing to talk about us would be if he got professional help for these issues. He totally ignored that message and I felt that I probably would never hear from him again. He did start contacting me again under the guise of friendship but never mentioned my suggestion--until the other night. He asked me what kind of counseling I was talking about. I asked him if he was thinking about it and he said he just missed me so much.

Now I feel like I should do it because it was my suggestion. The reason I suggested it was because I didn't want to feel like I hadn't tried everything to save the relationship, but I had serious doubt that he would be receptive to it.

This has just been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I have tried to let him go and move on, but I have missed him and have had to refer to my lists often to remind myself why I ended the relationship. But counseling might be beneficial to us both, whether the relationship resumes or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:27am

Counseling should not be used to fix people and make them into who you want to be. They are a tool for an individual to decide they need for help.

You should not break up with someone under the pretense that "if only he would do this one thing then we can stay together" and expect things to be okay - when you break up with someone, it should be for good, because you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. You have to accept someone for who they are now. Don't force counseling upon your guy because he isn't who you want. Let him go; if he thinks that he really needs this change in his life, he'll make the decision to get help for himself. But you should not wait around expecting someone else to change.




Edited 8/14/2007 9:28 am ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:29am

Its normal to feel sad during this period, so re-readin your lists is an excellant idea.

Counceling for you might be a good idea too.

As for getting back with the boy friend -- has anything changed in his life such that he would be any different? Has anything in your life changed so that you would be different?

Or more to the point, why would your relationship with him be anything but a rehash of the same old problems?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:08am

It's very good that you suggested counseling to your boyfriend, and now, after some time apart, it's good that he is willing to try. As you wisely say, counseling can only be beneficial to "both" of you, no matter what the ultimate outcome is. When there is an emotional roller coaster going on, it is because there is a lack of clarity and also because deeper issues have come up, that do need professional attention. Perhaps you can find him a fine, well trained therapist. Then give him the name of the person. It's also a good idea for you to see someone of your own, to work out your own issues, confusion and feelings here. Right now, couple therapy isn't such a good idea. If he has issues with women, he needs the privacy of his own therapy sessions to work them through. If both of you are serious about handling your feelings and concerns, it certainly could be much more

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:14am
I am not forcing couseling on him--I made the suggestion 2 months ago and now he has come to me willing to do it. He has these issues and he is aware of this. But he has a good heart and it's hard to walk away from that. I won't go if his only motivation is to get me back. It has to be something he recognizes he needs help with. I just don't want to dismiss this and always wonder if I didn't do everything possible to make it work.