Emotional Affair...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Emotional Affair...
4
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:23pm

First time to the board and I just need some advice from outside parties. I apologize for the length.

I have been married 4 years, as of yesterday, and we have a 2 yr old son, and a daughter due on Christmas Eve. My husband, where do I begin... he is charming, smart, funny as hell, handsome, fun and a work a holic. In May, I received an email from my high school sweet heart. We had been boyfriend/girlfriend since the 3rd grade. Everyone assumed we would marry. But we didn't. I hadn't seen him since my sr. prom in 99. Then in May, out of the blue, there comes this email, and a rush of emotions stronger than any thing I have felt before.

I poured my heart out. How I missed him desparately. How I still loved him, always loved him. How I prayed that he would come thru the door the day I married my husband and beg me to marry him. During this time of the emails, I didn't realize I was pregnant. Didn't want to realize it, we weren't trying, it just happened. My emotions were running high, and I had been feeling neglected at home. My husband works so hard to give us every thing. I work a full time job too. But, it was exciting to have my hssh back in my life. Wrong, I know.. but exciting.

So... I didn't delete the email he sent when he asked me honestly to tell him if I still loved him. And I answered honestly... I will always love him... he shared so much of my life, but it was a different love (that part I failed to mention in the email).

Last night, my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband, working late once again, decided to use the computer AGAIN when he got home (2 am) in case someone emailed him in the 30 minutes it takes for him to drive home from the office. I did not sign out of my gmail account, and when he opened the browser, there was my email account, open to the world. And he read all my emails, including that one.

So, at 230 this morning, at almost 5 1/2 months pregnant, my husband is demanding to know what is going on. I told him everything. We emailed for a month... that was the last time I heard from him. I spoke to him once on the phone. I have not seen him or made plans to see him. But, words hurt and cannot be taken back when they are in writing.

I broke all trust in our marriage because I was stupid. I take full blame and responsibility. The only thing he did wrong was read my emails (as it was in a folder) without letting me know.

Ladies, I ask you, how to mend this huge rip in our relationship. I feel as though no matter what I say, he won't believe me right now. I do love him, I loved him from first sight. We get caught up in day to day life and forget about us, but nothing bigger than that. How can I make this better?? What can I do or say or show to him that I am committed to him, my fairy tale, and not to what I thought was my dream when I was 18.

Any and all advice and criticisms are welcome.

-beccadawn0813

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 6:01pm

Welcome to the board beccadawn0813,


It will take some time for your husband to get over the feelings of shock and betrayel that is he going through right now. I think you should offer that he can read your emails any time he wants in order to help show him you can be trusted. I also think marriage counseling would be a very good thing to help you work through this difficult time.


Best of luck to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:56pm
This will take a long time for him to forgive, an average of two years if you're working on it together. You should ask his forgiveness. You should answer any questions that he has. You should offer to go to individual and/or marriage counseling. This is going to be very difficult for both of you but esp for him. Support him through the process. If you'd like to pop over the the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board, we have both BS (betrayed spouses) and WS (wrong spouses). (It's a unique board in having both.) You can link in through my siggie.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:32am

Welcome to the board beccadawn0813,


How sad for both of you. It's going to take a long time to rebuild trust and heal the betrayal that your husband feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:24pm

Well becca, wow.

You are not going to make this better any time soon.

You need to seperate your husband's behaviour/actions from your own.

Your husband may be work obsessed and he may be emotionally unavailable. However, that is no excuse or justification for you to do what you are doing. You cannot blame your husband to excuse yourself.

Why are you married? It sounds like you have never moved past your relationship with this other guy.

I'm sure your husband provides you with a nice life and financial security, and perhaps you even like him. But I don't sense love here. You are describing convenience and creature comforts. And now you are threatened because you could lose them.

You need to figure out (a) if you are over this other man, and (b) do you want to be married. I don't think you have moved past the high school sweetheart. And you were so easily tempted as a married woman -- these are not the actions of someone who wants to be married.

You have to be honest with yourself, or you will subject your husband and children to a lot of turmoil and pain, and you will waste a lot of your life time just wondering.

Until you fully resolve these issues with yourself, you are unprepared and unable to be present in a committed relationship.

Of course it will be very easy to blame your husband for all of this -- he works too much, he's does communicate well enough, he doesn't blah blah blah blah . And it may all be true. Nonetheless, until you get yourself together, family/couples counceling is a waste of time and money.