Girlfriend danced with other guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Girlfriend danced with other guys
6
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:02pm
My girlfriend went to a club with some coworkers. She was with her roommate, her friend and two guys from work. I found out she grinded (facing forward) with one of the guys if not both of them at the club. Her and i are in a serious relationship or so i thought. We have had a couple big fights lately because i couldnt stand the image of her with those other guys. She told me about dancing with them but i had to ask her about it until she told me how she danced with them. She feels that dancing like that without a negative intention is ok. I feel very betrayed and hurt by the fact she couldnt just dance by her self or with her roomate, and that she felt ok being that close to another guy. She tells me she would never let another guy get those close but i found out she kindof misled me about that. What am i suppose to think. I love her and she tells me she still loves me but these images are causing me alot of pain. What do i do and how can i forget and forgive or is what she did wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:39am

I think you've just figured out where your boundaries are. Unfortunately she doesn't agree.

However, when it comes to your own personal deal breakers, the only person whose input matters is your own. If you really think that her dancing with these guys is inappropriate (and I agree), then you need to stand your ground and say that you won't tolerate it. You should have enough self-respect to have boundaries and be able to enforce your position.

There's nothing inherently wrong with going to clubs and dancing, but she's acting like a single girl. Tell her that if she wants to act like she's single, then perhaps she should be single. Stick to your guns, she's not treating you with respect.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:39am
Would she be ok with you going out, without her, and grinding with other girls?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:25am

Somehow, if you are going to stay together in a healthy way, trust must be re-established. Only you know what you need from her now, in order to be able to trust her again. Take some time to look within and find out what it is you need. Let her know. You have to find out also if the two of you are on the same page with reference to what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. Find out. If this causes you too much pain, and if you feel you cannot feel safe with her once again, then, it is not a good idea to stay. Forgiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:25am

Welcome to the board tkdt23,


I agree that 'grinding' crosses the line... and would have asked the same quesiton that blondie did and like eggbertshootsfire said, you know where your boundaries are and if she wants to 'act' single she may as well be single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:43pm

Welcome to the board tkdt23,


I agree with the other posters that "grinding" does cross the line. She may know what her intentions are, but that doesn't mean the guy knows what it is.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 2:28pm

You know, I used to do this too. Going out dancing is one of my emotional releases. I come from a big city (San francisco) so I like walking into a club that is wall to wall people, where it is so loud you can't even think (which is the whole point) and dance and dance and dance. And sometimes when you dance (or everytime if your a girl and fairly attractive) guys dance with you. I never cared. Guy, girl whatever. When I would get in serious relationships, I'd still go out dancing to blow off steam and still "grind" with everyone on the dance floor. I didn't see a problem with it, because I never had the intention of doing anything other than dancing. I never took or gave my number and I never saw any of those people again (unless I happened to run into them at the club again).

When I agreed to be in a committed relationship with my husband, he told me that this was one of his boundaries. He doesn't go out and dance with other girls, he does it out of respect for me and quite honestly I know it would bother me. He leaves it up to me, but I know where he stands on the issue. And you know what? I love my husband and I choose him over my need to go blow off steam in this way. This is what a marriage and a partnership is about. Sometimes we have to make a few sacrifices to make our SO happy. I'm not going to lie. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I still haven't found a vice that is quite as good at releasing some steam. But when I start feeling really anxious, I drag my cute husbands butt to the club with me. He SAYS he wont dance, but I buy him a few rounds and then go grind on the floor with the one I love most in the whole wide world.

So maybe she's like me. Maybe she just loves to go out dancing and it helps her blow off steam. If this is true than maybe you can have a rule that she can go clubbing, but only when you go together and you only dance together. That's the rule my husband and I go by (except we also have acceptable women I'm allowed to dance with and he can go goof off on the floor with his male buddies) and it's the rule I know many other couples go by and they are all very happy.

Jacqueline